Do I have AvPD?

Hi all,

I think I may have AvPD, but without having been to the doctors yet (have an appt. on Friday) I'm not 100% sure. Just wondering if these symptoms sound like it could be a possibilty:

I'm a 20 year old female, and I feel as though my whole life is one big downward spiral. I'm extremely uncomfortable in the majority of social situations, and I sometimes even have a hard time conversing with my own family. The latter isn't due to anxiety, but more down to a 'disinterest' in having a full blown conversation. I get impatient, on edge, stressed etc, all because a member of my family wanted to tell me about their day, and I haven't a clue why! I know it upsets them, as they feel I don't care, which really isn't true, I do care, and I do feel guilty at not being able to 'settle' when they would like to chat. This doesn't happen all of the time, just when I'm having a 'down' day, but it still seems like a rather weird reaction. =/

I haven't worked for almost 2 years, as I couldn't bring myself to send out my resume and/or make phone calls to employers. I'm not sure what I was scared of exactly, I just felt as though if I wrote the form I'd say something ridiculous on it, and I'd feel like a failure for not being able to do a simple task, and so avoided it altogether. The same with making phone calls. My auntie knew a girl who was offering a position in her salon, and she got me an interview for the following Monday. I somehow managed to drag myself there, but I made a complete and utter mess of things. I was so preoccupied with curbing my anxious thoughts/behaviour, she must have thought I was crazy. When she was asking me the usual questions, I refused to elaborate on answers, as I was worried I'd lose my train of thought and/or say something idiotic. (If I'm answering a question, or telling a story, I'll always give the briefest version possible) And when she asked me to tell me a little about myself, I completely clammed up. (I hate talking about myself at the best of times, nevermind with a total stranger.)

My mum's boyfriend has a huge family, 99% of whom are outgoing, lively, bubbly people, and they tend to throw parties ALOT! They're always inviting me to go, and I always have some random excuse as to why I can't attend. The thing is, none of them appear to be self concious in the slightest, including their friends. They'll all happily be the first to start dancing in front of everyone, and have big group conversations, without it even phasing them. Whereas I'll avoid the former and the latter at all costs. I hate being in the limelight =/ .. Given that they're the complete opposite to me, whenever I have gone, they'll always try to drag me up to dance with them etc, and seem confused as to why I'm shaking my head and telling them I'm fine as I am. (Things like this always make me feel like I'm an even bigger weirdo than usual.) =/ I'm just so worried about embarrassing myself, I tend to avoid any sort activiety.

I also find it difficult to show emotion towards things (not people) for example: someone will ask me if I'd like something for my birthday, and even though I'd really love that thing, I'll sort of just say "yeah, that would be nice." in a flatish tone. Then just leave it at that. No emotion and/or expression. It isn't that I don't want it, or I'm not happy about it, I just have a strange thought pattern. I seem to believe that they're offering me things they know I would really love, so that they can see my happy reaction, and then they won't follow through with it. Almost as though I believe they're doing it just to get my hopes up, and then they will take pleasure from letting me down. I figure if I don't get excited by something, and they do let me down, I've won in a strange sort of way, because they'll think I was never fussed about it in the first place. If that makes sense, heh.

I also dislike seeing my friends (what few I have left) because I think that as soon as I leave, they'll be talking about how much of a spectacle I made of myself. I think that people only invite me to do things with them, because they know how weird I am, and they want me to do something stupid so they can laugh about it together afterwards. Heh =/

I'm scared to diet/exercise. I'm 5'5 and 120 lbs, but I feel fat and hideous. I have absolutely no self-confidence and my ego is in tatters. I want to lose weight, and tone myself up, but I'm so frightened that if I try, I'll fail, that I point blank refuse to do anything about it. Even though I feel vile because of it. =/

Oh, and on top of all this, I'm a compulsive liar. I lie about stupid little things too. Like, someone will ask me if I've heard a new song, and I'll say yes, even though I haven't. Usually I don't even realize I've done it until they ask me what I think of it etc, and I then have to cover up my previous lie with another. I lie about bigger things too. I'm only qualified up to level 2 in hairdressing, but I tell people I don't know that I'm fulled qualified to level 3. Which usually lands me in it, because they'll ask if I can do something to their hair that I'm not qualified to do. I usually just say yes, and then avoid them after that. Explaining that I've been busy etc if I happen to bump into them.

Last, but by NO means least, I talk to myself too. Whenever I'm alone, I'll have conversations with myself, pretending that it's another person. I'm not crazy enough to actually 'see' that 'other' person, nor do I believe they're actually there, I just talk to 'them' because it's the only time I can be the REAL me, without the fear of making a fool out of myself. I'm anxious around people, fearing rejection and criticism mainly, and the only time I can engage in a 'normal' conversation, without any of those preoccupied thoughts, is when I'm speaking to an invisible person. It's absolutely mental, I know, but it's just such a relief and a comfort to finally be able to say anything I like, and not have to worry about what anybody thinks.

Heh, I think that's covered everything. I'm sure I have some sort of mental issues going on, but I'm just not sure what. Does anyone have any thoughts and/or know what it sounds like?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this =)

Love, Lauren x

I have never been diagnosed with AvPD but i have a strong suspicion that i have it. Your actions and thought patterns are pretty similiar to mine. I guess the only way to know for sure is to go to the doctor.

in-com-plete wrote:
I also dislike seeing my friends (what few I have left) because I think that as soon as I leave, they'll be talking about how much of a spectacle I made of myself. I think that people only invite me to do things with them, because they know how weird I am, and they want me to do something stupid so they can laugh about it together afterwards. Heh =/

I found this part particularly interesting because i feel this way alot and it has caused me to not want to spend time around people. For some reason i am always questioning peoples motives in my head. It has gotten to the point were i get almost paranoid if someone asks me if i want to hang out or do something, because i feel they just want me to come so they can make fun of me and talk about me later. I remember about a year ago a small group of people from work went out to a restaurant after work and asked me if i wanted to go. I of course lied and said i couldnt go. It was just that i got so worried that they just wanted me to come with them because im so wierd and they could laugh at me. i know this is a wierd way to think but it is how i truly feel.

the pain wrote:I remember about a year ago a small group of people from work went out to a restaurant after work and asked me if i wanted to go. I of course lied and said i couldnt go. It was just that i got so worried that they just wanted me to come with them because im so wierd and they could laugh at me. i know this is a wierd way to think but it is how i truly feel.

That has happened to me to. I thought they were playing a trick on me though. I thought they weren't really going anywhere and would have me show up at this restaurant and they'd be across the street laughing or something. I remember when I was 7 or 8 this girl who was my on/off friend asked me to come to her birthday party. I thought she invited me so we could make up after a big fight we had. So I got all dressed up and went to her house but she wouldn't answer the door and after 10 minutes I got the hint and had to go to the store to use their payphone and call my mom to pick me up. But the next day at school she said she didn't know I was there.

in-com-plete wrote:I'm extremely uncomfortable in the majority of social situations, and I sometimes even have a hard time conversing with my own family. The latter isn't due to anxiety, but more down to a 'disinterest' in having a full blown conversation. I get impatient, on edge, stressed etc, all because a member of my family wanted to tell me about their day, and I haven't a clue why! I know it upsets them, as they feel I don't care, which really isn't true, I do care, and I do feel guilty at not being able to 'settle' when they would like to chat. This doesn't happen all of the time, just when I'm having a 'down' day, but it still seems like a rather weird reaction.

I hate being in the limelight. Given that they're the complete opposite to me [some family members]... they'll always try to drag me up to dance with them etc, and seem confused as to why I'm shaking my head and telling them I'm fine as I am. (Things like this always make me feel like I'm an even bigger weirdo than usual.) =/ I'm just so worried about embarrassing myself, I tend to avoid any sort activiety.

I also find it difficult to show emotion towards things (not people) for example: someone will ask me if I'd like something for my birthday, and even though I'd really love that thing, I'll sort of just say "yeah, that would be nice." in a flatish tone. Then just leave it at that. No emotion and/or expression. It isn't that I don't want it, or I'm not happy about it, I just have a strange thought pattern. I seem to believe that they're offering me things they know I would really love, so that they can see my happy reaction, and then they won't follow through with it. Almost as though I believe they're doing it just to get my hopes up, and then they will take pleasure from letting me down. I figure if I don't get excited by something, and they do let me down, I've won in a strange sort of way, because they'll think I was never fussed about it in the first place. If that makes sense, heh.
Love, Lauren x

Lauren,
Sounds like AvPD to me. I can relate to nearly everything you said. I'll try not to go on and on, as I would just be repeating much of what you said. I have the same problems with work. Just the idea of sending out applications terrifies me.

I, personally, get very overstimulated quickly (mentally/psychologically) in social situations, (even if the interaction is "positive"). I very often have the same feelings as you around family when they just want to chat. I feel so selfish, but I can't help it. Sometimes I am so distracted I can't even follow a conversation. I just can't listen. A perfect example is this morning when I just woke up and wanted to have breakfast in peace and quiet and my mom is already in the kitchen and starts talking to me about all kinds of stuff. It sounds so rude, but I just wanted to tell her to shut up! I need a lot of quiet, but unfortunately I can't avoid my parents very well, since I am living with them, due to inability to work and make enough money to support myself. It's so sad (pathetic). I don't even like contact with my parents.

I have learned to start expressing this feeling (of not wanting to talk, it's worse sometimes more than others - like you said, "a bad day") to a couple people I am "close" to but they still take it as an offense. I try to explain very delicately that at that moment I just can't talk and it's not them and later (when I am feeling better and more up to it) I will talk/listen to them about whatever it is they want to say, but they just don't understand, get mad and then I end up feeling bad and even more irritable.

I hate having any attention on me, any fuss being made over me or having to be the center of attention. I told my mom specifically I didn't want a (high school) graduation party, but she still had one anyway and I really pissed her off by skipping most of it (arriving EXTREMELY LATE). She couldn't understand it even though I said I absolutely didn't want a party. I even skipped my college graduation ceremony, because I didn't want family to come and fuss over me. I hate my own birthday, I just want to pretend it didn't exist - I don't want people feeling they have to get me presents, cards or even say anything, like "happy birthday". It would not bother me at all if no one said a thing about it.

I understand what you said about "disliking friends". I rarely want to spend time even with people I like or think are nice. Mainly, I just don't want to be around people most of the time. I'm convinced people don't really like me (even my parents and "friends"), even if they act like they do and invite me to things. I know it's stupid to think this way, because I know it's not really true, but I can't help it - it's a little bit of paranoia. I find excuses not to go - or say I will and then not show up or make an excuse at the last minute - I know my behavior baffles people.

By the way, 5'5", 120 pounds is NORMAL - if anything I would guess that you are slender! I'm 5'3" and I was HAPPY about my weight when I was 120 pounds! But I understand why you feel this way - it's just another cognitive distortion. I am never able to see myself as attractive no matter what.

Normally I hate even talking about myself - except on this forum, due to anonymity and being able to finally relate to some people! I hope you will feel the same here!

Adna

Hi Lauren,

Here is an online test that u might want to take to know if u have AvPD.

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personalit ... er_test.mv

After the test I would still recommend to see a doctor to double checK . The good thing is that AvPD can be treated if you realize that u have it.

Cheers,

David

Dago wrote:Here is an online test that u might want to take to know if u have AvPD.

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personalit ... er_test.mv

I did that test a couple of years ago, but I've done it again to see what results I get now :

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

No surprises there then.

There is another test here that you could take.

http://similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html

It tried it and it gave me similar results than the other one. ( I found that I am a bit time schizoid ).

Anyways. I hope it will help you.

David

Dago wrote:Hi Lauren,

Here is an online test that u might want to take to know if u have AvPD.

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personalit ... er_test.mv


David

Thought i would also post my results.

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

No real surprises the test seems pretty accurate except i didnt think i would get a very high rating on paranoid but i guess i am just crazier than i first thought

planetcutie wrote:

Dago wrote:Here is an online test that u might want to take to know if u have AvPD.

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personalit ... er_test.mv

I did that test a couple of years ago, but I've done it again to see what results I get now :

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

No surprises there then.

planetcutie. How can you be low antisocial and very high avoidant? I thought that part of being avoidant means that you tend to avoid social situations.

^^ the antisocial is referring to Antisocial Personality Disorder. Here is a description a found......

What is Antisocial Personality Disorder?
Quick Summary:

A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. Antisocials tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.