Should I seek professional help?

I need some advice...

Ever since high school, I've been showing signs of depression. Since graduating and moving (I'm now a junior in college), my condition has gradually gotten worse, and I believe I've developed APD. At first, I thought i was Schizoid, but from my understanding APD and SPD are quite similar, and APD matched my symptoms much closer. But then again, I could be wrong about all of this.

As far as medical history of my family, my maternal side has an overly abundant amount of mental disorders. My grandfather was Bipolar and Manic Depressive and ended up taking his own life a few years back. My great grandmother was Bipolar and took her own life as well. My uncle has had major depressive disorder ever since my grandfather's death. For these reasons, I try to stay in tuned with my emotions, and it's important to me that I seek help when I believe something is wrong; but it's strange because I have no will to actually do anything about my condition.

I'll briefly go into how I've been feeling the last few years. Currently (in the last week or so), I've been unwilling to get out of my bed. I sleep 12+ hours a day, and when I'm not sleeping, I'm in bed reading, eating, watching tv, or on my computer. Easy solutions? Go outside, get some fresh air, go for a run, get a job that requires me to drive to work (in fact, I purposely lie on applications and during interviews, so I WON'T get the job). The solutions all sound nice in text, but I have no motivation to act on any. When my "friends" (I use quotes because they are more like acquaintances that I dislike) invite me out, I generally opt to stay home. Most of my "friends" have given up on me by now. I dislike people. I can pick out 50 flaws in a person from 50 miles away. Once I pick out all the flaws in a person, I simply cannot stand to be around him. I'll be annoyed and frustrated after 5 minutes in the same room with a person. I have no friends. The only people I can talk to and get along with are my mother and my brother. When someone gets too close to me, I exile him or her from my life. I'm very good at ignoring people. When people give me compliments, I ignore them and forget about them; but when people criticize me, it ingrains into my mind and haunts me- thus comes paranoia.

There are several occasions where I will drive to a store or public place to run an errand, park, sit in my car, and eventually decide to go back home because it's too overwhelming. I do all my grocery shopping after midnight because I can't go to the grocery store during the day. Large crowds make me anxious to the point where I will start sweating profusely. The whole "people are staring at me and talking about me" thing takes over my mind. To top that off, I'm easily embarrassed; and I hate when people figure this out and use it against me. It's one of my biggest pet peeves. I have no self-confidence in anything I do. I have no self-esteem. I have no self-worth. I have no self-respect. I have extreme self-image issues. I promise I'm not a disgusting person, and you would never guess this if you saw me in public; but I've been known to go weeks without showering because I just don't care. Kind of an oxymoron, huh? I have also lost most interest in the one thing I used to live for, and I've been rethinking my college education for this reason. Side note: I've never attempted suicide because I could never engage in the act, but I often wish I was dead.

I have severe emotional problems. I never talk to people about my feelings. I always have a guard up, and I never want anyone to know "the real me". I've never been in love, and anytime I've ever been asked out, I've declined. I keep a journal on my computer, so I'll just copy a passage I wrote that will explain this better: It’s not easy for me; love, that is. I look back over my life and realize that as other children were learning what love meant (to a child, at least), I was filling my heart with insecurities, shame, and resentment. My peers rarely accepted me, and I believe the byproduct of that unacceptance was my inability to accept myself. It’s a difficult situation- because even as people started to accept me, I couldn’t accept their acceptance. These were the same people who clouded my mind with insecurities, so I wasn’t going to simply give myself back to them. I didn’t want to endure any more damage. I burned down bridges before the crew even arrived to build the bridge. Then, when I finally reached the point where I lost all self-worth, I looked back on my life and this was the realization I made. I was alone in life. I had successfully alienated myself from society. The worst and most frustrating part, though, is knowing that I have a problem but being unable to fix to it. Now, my life goes on just the same, and my insecurities still don’t allow others to get close to me. I continue to alienate myself from people, even (and especially) those who give everything to try and crack me. I’m content with being alone, and I’ll come around when I’m ready. I’ve never experienced the feeling of love, so I can only base my idea of love on what others say about it. But even then, love is different from my perspective. I only know the idea of love (which is beautiful), not the feeling of love. The two are very different.

So I'll spare you from more self-loathing and get to the point. I've been on a few different anti-depressants in the last couple of years- none have had any effect on me whatsoever. I've tried Lexapro, Xanax, and Prozac. I would be substantially happier if at least my anxiety would dissipate, but I suppose that goes hand in hand with everything else. I also think part of the reason for my inability to get better is my lack of wanting to get better. I'm scared of what it feels like to be happy, and it scares the hell out of me to even think about being a "social person".

That being said, should I be seeing a therapist? I've discussed it in the past with my mother, but she is unaware of most of my problems because I'm ashamed of them and refuse to discuss them with anyone. I feel that if I don't do anything, I'm only going to get worse- and that scares me too. Also, do you believe that I have APD, or am I just jumping to conclusions? I know it's unhealthy to self-diagnose, so I try to research as much as I can before I make a decision. I suppose this is just a cry for help.

I think it's safe to say that there is at least some issues that you should get some help with. To my untrained ears (or eyes) it might as well be depression and/or anxiety as avpd. It's dificult to recognise avpd through a depression anyways, and I think they need the symptoms of avpd to be there in non-depressed periods as well, but if you don't really have any of those periods it's even harder to tell I guess.

Personally, I don't believe in anti-depressants without therapy (though I would take it myself if I get the option because therapy scares the $#%^ out of me). If therapy is something you would be willing to do, I'd say go for it.

VenusWillendorf wrote:I think it's safe to say that there is at least some issues that you should get some help with. To my untrained ears (or eyes) it might as well be depression and/or anxiety as avpd. It's dificult to recognise avpd through a depression anyways, and I think they need the symptoms of avpd to be there in non-depressed periods as well, but if you don't really have any of those periods it's even harder to tell I guess.

Personally, I don't believe in anti-depressants without therapy (though I would take it myself if I get the option because therapy scares the $#%^ out of me). If therapy is something you would be willing to do, I'd say go for it.

Even in those rare moments where I'm having a good time and my depressive symptoms temporarily subside, the anxiety still haunts me; but it's easier to ignore because I'll have distractions. As far as long-term speaking, though, my depression has stuck around since the beginning. So maybe the AvPD symptoms are simply a part of my depression?

I'm scared of therapy as well. Taking to someone face to face about my problems is the last thing I want to do, but I recognize that it's unhealthy to think that way. It's another one of those things that sounds good on paper but would cause me a great deal of stress to actually act on. If I had it my way, I would never take anti-depressants again- even with therapy. I believe that all of my problems could be solved without anti-depressants, but it's my unwillingness to want to expose those problems that's stopping me from getting better.