I think I know what's wrong with me.. finally.

I always pushed people away for fear of rejection. I avoided any situation where I'd have to be the only one talking. When I need to get up in front of the class I worry about it weeks in advance & I try & plan out what I'm going to say & what could go wrong.. While I'm talking I look for reactions & when I see people whisper I worry they might be talking about me. I usually try not to be noticed & one day I a girl I used to be friends with asked me something & my face turned bright red because two of her friends turned to look at me. Then the people I was sitting with were making fun of me because my face got red. That's when I vowed I'd do whatever it takes to not be noticed.

People think I'm stuck-up but I'm not!! When people talk to me I have no idea what to say, because I'm not used to it. I don't really have friends. I think it's a mix of this, low self-esteem (thinking I'm not good enough to have friends), & what I think is a social phobia. I can't talk on the phone.. I dread it. When I'm talking one on one with a person on the phone I get butterflies & my palms sweat. I do whatever it takes to avoid talking on the phone. I'm self-concious about everything I do & say because I worry that people are going to reject me. I avoid being in groups at school because of the chance of embarrassment. When I'm around people I'm so uncomfortable, mentally & physically.

Even talking to my mom is nerve-wracking for me. I always worry what she's thinking of me, & she's my mom!! I've put off asking her if I can order something off of ebay with my OWN money just because I was afraid she'd say no.

I don't know if I have it for sure.. does it sound like I do, or could it just be something else?

<3, justme

I too feel that I have at last found some real clues as too what I've been going through all these years. Though I have learnt to deal with it better over time, more through necessity than anything else.

I know what you mean about people misunderstanding and thinking you're stuck-up or cold. My boss sometimes takes offence that I don't say "thank you" whereas in reality I have a thousand thoughts going through my head about whether I should say "thank you" this way or that and if I say it that way how will it be taken etc. etc!

Fearing people's reaction and in turn rejection, implied or otherwise, is like switch that freezes everything in you. And after a few bad social experiences it is very difficult to believe that subsequent situations won't bring about the same embarrassment and reactions in other people. I guess un-learning that expectation -- that history always repeats itself -- is one key to combating this.

I know exactly how you feel...especially with that last short paragraph. Before I moved out of my house I could never talk to my mom about anything...even if it was just to ask if my only friend could come over. And the school presentations...those are always horrible, most of the time I just don't do them. But when I do I try to plan everything out also, and I end up thinking of about a zillion things that could go wrong. And pushing people away...omg I have that down to perfection. Deep down I'm a nice person and I like to be around people but I usually end up being a jerk which usually keeps people away, not the best way to go through life. Phone calls are also horrible...I always have other people make calls for me, and usually have them do the talking.

I wish you luck...hopefully you can move on past this, I know I'm trying too.

I can't believe that there are other people out there who feel the same way I do. I have learned to adjust, professionally. I am a great pretender! When I am at work (most of the time), I can talk to people b/c I know that's what I am getting paid for. But, I also worry so much about what to say to my coworkers (in non-work situations). I have the most difficult time talking to my supervisors-for fear of saying something STUPID.

I have a very difficult time making and keeping friends. At this point, I have absolutely NO friends (that's no exaggeration either). I am so lonely. I have a hard time relating to my family. I always feel that they are talking about me behind my back. Most people think I am stuck-up. My family always calls my unsociable and says that there is something wrong with me. There is...but I am afraid to talk to anyone about it. I try to talk to my husband about it, but he is so outgoing, he can't understand. So, instead of reaching out to people, I push them away and then I sit in the house SO lonely. I have cried so much about this, I can't even cry anymore. I just feel this numb loneliness. Most of the time, I wish that someone could see through my "tough act" and just try to befriend me even though I say, "I don't really need any friends". I am so sick of living my life like this. I want things to change, but I don't feel like they will. It feels like an endless cycle.

JCS,

I'm glad I'm not the only one pretending! I am so GOOD at it! That's why no one has a clue there is anything wrong with me. It's only people who try to be friends with me that realize what I am really like (at least that I pretty much don't go out at all and don't care to and never answer my phone). Although I am constantly filled with anxiety (and popping pills (prescription!) to cope with it) on the outside I think I come across really well (or so they tell me). That may actually be hurting me more in the long run, though, because the pressure to keep the smiley face on around other people just gets harder and harder to keep up - which is exactly why I avoid in the first place!

Has anyone else used this as a coping mechanism? I'm not ALWAYS that good at it (mostly I just try to be invisible), but if I am put on the spot and have no choice, I can act just as friendly and outgoing (giving "scripted" responses) so that people who don't know me well think I am actually an extrovert. That's how good I've faked it! Of course the whole thing leaves me sickened and depressed that I can't seem to genuinely enjoy the stuff others do and feel like I'm just putting on a big show for the world so they won't think I'm a freak. I usually just try to act the way they expect me to, say what they expect and then everybody's happy - but me, because I am a totally different person on the inside and I don't feel I can show that side to many people.

Adna