Need help

For years I've been enduring what's seemingly a split personality, or rather a battle of consciences.

Very often I've had the urge to just lash out at someone who's doing something mildly irritating, or gets on my nerve. I would have to force myself to not think of it, and to help me with this I often listen to music on my iPod.

What scares me is that a lot of people think I'm a nice guy, but I feel like a fraud. Inside me I feel just bottled up anger just waiting to explode, held back by my dwindling consciences. The worst scenario of this, God forbid the day, is the possibility of me snapping and seriously hurting someone or possibly killing someone.

Evidence of this was recent during a game of Soccer between towns. At one point of the game an opponent occasionally taunted me and eventually I lost it and went after him.

Pretty often I've contemplated on suicide, being it for the better and me getting tired of trying not to lose control far too often. I'm at a serious lost and I cannot afford psychiatry. I need help in broadening my options.

Alot of what you described is exactly like my boyfriend. He too has extreme anger and has very little impulse control. You mentioned attcking someone on the soccer field. Have you ever attacked anyone else? Do you remember the attacks that you make? Have you or are you being abused of any sorts? Do you have any reason to have so much anger built up? I am sorry if I am being intrusive, these are just some questions so that I may better understand.

It is hard to control anger, for that is what makes this world what it is today. Everyone fights a daily battle to control their anger. If I should receive no response to my questions, good luck to you in your search for tranquility.

Raindrop,

I too have a (live-in) boyfriend with those tendencies (exploding anger) - the actual incidents that set him off are Way too trivial to warrant his "terror storms" - it usually involves something I did or said, or failed to do, that triggers it. And I go out of my way not to anger him!

And KTM, I applaud you for recognizing your problem and talking about it, instead of just "exploding" on someone, and then blamimg it on him/her, instead of owning up to the problem. It's a great first start.