Abnormal Jealousy

To begin, I don't know what is wrong with me. I show signs of many disorders: social anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder, avoidant, aspergers, borderline personality, depression, etc. I guess the label is not really important. I guess it would just be nice to have a reason to explain why I am the way I am......Or just somewhere to belong.

I am 28 yrs old and suffer from abnormal jealousy and hatred (for myself and others.) I obsess about how ugly, stupid, fat, old, useless, awkward, boring, inept, and timid I am.

I constantly accuse my current partner of not being attractive to me as much anymore. I will go out of my way to say he was looking at other girls - whether real or misinterpreted. It has gotten to the point that if we are watching a movie with female nudity I will have an angry outburst and tell him to turn it off. I will say to him, "That's why you wanted to watch this." Or "Maybe if I got plastic surgery you will find me attractive, too." If my BF says a female singer is not that bad I get mad because I know it's because he only finds her attractive. I'll call him naive for liking something so stupid. I get mad if he doesn't agree with me right away or see my POV.

He is afraid to even watch anything with me and tells me he has to screen movies first before we can watch anything together. I know that he is doing this as an act of love, but I hate that it has gotten to this. I will even turn around and say "You just want to watch trashy movies behind my back."

I believe that he will leave me if someone else shows interest in him. I can't even blame him. I'm difficult to be with. I have this fear that guys are only with me until they find someone better who will want them. Eventually he will grow tired of this. Eventually this will happen. It has before.

Why am I like this? I guess because when I was about 20-25 yrs old I had only my looks to rely on. While I am certainly no supermodel, I did (for the first time ever) look and feel decent. It was my only means to meet people because of my extreme shyness. Looks were the only thing that got me an initial meeting.

I have had an ex BF sleep in all day in my apartment when I was extremely stressed/depressed once in college (to the point where I was sticking a finger down my throat..) I went out with my brother for lunch because I needed someone to talk to while my ex slept. I came back later on that evening only to find that my ex went out and helped some other girl with 'car trouble.' I interpreted this as him choosing another girl over me. This happened almost 6 years ago with another ex. This still plagues me.

One time (with another ex) we were watching a show where a man put together a romantic dinner with lights, flowers, candles, etc. He said to me, "Don't expect me to do that for you."

I've had an ex say to me once, "I know you have a personality in there somewhere. I've seen in when you were drunk. Just evidence that he was only with me because of looks.

My dad left out family when I was 12 for another woman. One that was 10 yrs younger than him. Perhaps that is another reason I have a disgust/distrust/'just waiting for him to leave' mentality regarding men. I think men will just settle with you until the next best thing comes along. Along with hating men, I even hate attention seeking women who try to flirt/act like a little ole troubled girl to get what they want.

I have come to the point where I snoop on my current BF's ex's facebook page. I look at old comments exchanged between each other and it upsets me that they have so much more in common. At first I even thought, "At least I'm better looking." I know that is vain and stupid, but it's all I had. He probably loved her more, despite looks, because they had more depth and memories. Now she is starting to lose weight (while I am continually gaining weight.) I worry that she is trying to look good to win him back, despite her having a BF. I continue to think he is holding off anything more serious with me in hopes of getting back together with her.

I'll admit, I do believe men are 'pigs.' It is a thought that has come about from past experiences and just my plain old insecurity and hatred for myself. I can recognize that my jealousy is abnormal and destructive. I know some of my thought are irrational. I can't stop, though. I'm torn between not saying anything and letting it fester inside of me until it explodes. Or saying something and starting a big, dramatic fight. Sometimes I wonder if this is some sort of coping mechanism to push men away from me. That way it won't hurt so bad once it is over.

My current BF is no where as immature or piggish as my past boyfriends. In fact, he is great. It shames me that I treat him so awfully still. I can't stop projecting my past hatred of men and hangups on him.

Starting at 21, I had boyfriend after boyfriend. I rarely had time to 'find' myself. Sometimes I wonder if I should end things with my BF so I can rid him of me. So I can try to fix myself. I can't do it, though. I don't want to risk losing a great guy. I also know that he will be emotionally distraught over this. He may even hurt himself. I'd probably end up screwing around with more pig men and hating men even more if I ended things.

What can I do to help lessen my anger/jealousy/insecurity? I am going to continue ruining all my relationships if I can't take control of it.

Heya,

As a male, I was tentative about responding, but I felt impelled to proceed.

My opinion is that you have always focussed on what others are doing in your life... ...as opposed to just focussing on what you do. Also, your values about what are important in life don't seem to be 'correct'. I use that word lightly - 'correct' - because it's debatable what's correct and what's not. I said it, however, because you seem to believe that looks matter the most, when the truth is that they don't. Instead of focussing on how you and others look - and what others are doing - focus on developing your own life in a way that YOU want it to be developed, and not anyone else.

As practical examples, start a course/class that you've always wanted to start, or meet up with an old friend simply because you want to see them and hear how they're doing. Don't repeat the same things that you always do, because you know well by now that doing those things is not getting you anywhere, right?

Jealousy plagues me too.... but I try my best to not be that way. I've recently ended a relationship too, and I believe that my jealousy was a part to play in it. Like you, I searched and scrutinised every comment made to my partner, and at times I questioned her for them. Where will it get us...? - Nowhere, is the answer. The next time you feel the urge to search a comment, don't. The next time you feel the urge to be jealous, go out and take a walk to think about it.

Your fear of the relationship ending might very well be the ONLY thing that is going to drive it to failure.

Take care,
Kevin

Thanks for the response Kevin!

I just want to clarify that I don't consider looks important in a mate or friendship. All of my boyfriends were cute to me, even though they don't have what society deems 'conventional' good looks. I am really only harsh and critical about my own looks. Though I have compared myself with my bf's ex look-wise, I think it is only because I was searching for something, anything, that I had over her. Otherwise, I think to myself that they had alot in common so what would he see in me? I feel like she let a good thing go.

You gave some great advice, too. I always tell myself "I am going start over. I will not let little things like this bother me." But I always end up repeating my bad behaviour. It's almost like a sick disease or disorder that I just can't shake.

Lyra wrote:Thanks for the response Kevin!

I just want to clarify that I don't consider looks important in a mate or friendship. All of my boyfriends were cute to me, even though they don't have what society deems 'conventional' good looks. I am really only harsh and critical about my own looks. Though I have compared myself with my bf's ex look-wise, I think it is only because I was searching for something, anything, that I had over her. Otherwise, I think to myself that they had alot in common so what would he see in me? I feel like she let a good thing go.

You gave some great advice, too. I always tell myself "I am going start over. I will not let little things like this bother me." But I always end up repeating my bad behaviour. It's almost like a sick disease or disorder that I just can't shake.

If your as good looking as you claim then i would bet the farm that your many ex's have what society deems "conventional" good looks. Quit kidding yourself you sound about as shallow as they come.

Also you know nothing about AvPD if you think your problem has anything to do with this. Have no clue why you posted it in here. You have low self esteem and let men walk all over you and chalk it up to all men are "pigs".

I think it comes down to that old saying "If you don't love yourself then nobody else will either." You're comparing yourself to his ex because you have low self worth. Jealousy is about lack of self love which is the heart of being avoidant. We don't like ourselves, probably because people in the past have made us feel like we were trash. After hearing it so many times eventually you start believing it.

It sounds like you've found a good dude. Maybe you should make a list of everything good about you and all your abilities. Only positive qualities, nothing negative. When you start feeling bad about yourself or comparing yourself to other people start reading that list over and over again until the negative thoughts pass (which they will pretty quickly). If you don't have a lot of positive things to write about yourself then pick a couple of easiest things you can fix and work on that so you can add it to the list. We have to retrain our minds and how we think about ourselves if we want to get out of this mess.

If your as good looking as you claim then i would bet the farm that your many ex's have what society deems "conventional" good looks. Quit kidding yourself you sound about as shallow as they come.

Also you know nothing about AvPD if you think your problem has anything to do with this. Have no clue why you posted it in here. You have low self esteem and let men walk all over you and chalk it up to all men are "pigs".

To claim that I know nothing of AvPD is to never walk in my shoes. I never said that I had AvPD, nor will I ever, but I feel like I belong here. Just because I have not had a doctor neatly label me as so, I know my experience.

I know my post comes across as sounding shallow - even though I am not. But when you feel nothing inside, hate yourself in every way, then you have to cling to something. I'm average looking. I'm even considered overweight now. But, if I had to choose between something I feel like I have more control over- it'd be looks. I cannot change 28 years of a personality that never fostered or has died.

And you are right. I do have low self esteem and have let some men walk over me. I admit that. That is why I am trying to ask for help in ways to get over the past so it doesn't ruin my relationship. Or just any advice on how to learn to love myself.

I do have low self esteem and have let some men walk over me. I admit that. That is why I am trying to ask for help in ways to get over the past so it doesn't ruin my relationship. Or just any advice on how to learn to love myself.

Have you ever tried going to therapy? It helps you understand why you feel that way and build a new way of feeling.
I understand the jealousy thing, I also find it uncomfortable when female nudities are shown (in my country you find them everywhere in tv and advertisments), someway it forces you to compare yourself to them and to feel ugly if you don't look the same, which is something I hate medias for. They speculate on people's low self esteem and try to increase it!
Anyway, I think you should keep in mind that your boyfriend probably doesn't feel at all about other girls the way you think he does, not all men are pigs, and if he isn't he probably has a hard time when you accuse him of things he doesn't feel. That's not right either. You should also try to understand him and to believe what he says. Just my thought.

hi.... i am 26 and will be 27 in october. i first off want to say, your not alone. i cried when i accidently stumbled upon your blog, which as reading made me cry. i thought i was reading something i had written. im very serious, and so is our issue. every detail of your crisis is to a t like mine. its a day to day battle. i pray so hard and so often for it to go away. i beg myself to be ok even just for a few min of a movie w/ a girl in it who is being sexy acting, or sometimes even when they are just cute! its sick. i sometimes scroll through the tv guide to see whats gonna be coming on and kinda prevent him from watching tv if i see something like big brother even coming on. i hate it!! my relationship has been almost 6 years now off and on with the father of my girls. it has been horrible. he is cocky, and arrogant, and has always made me feel like im nothing of importance. i feel like i can post all this to this page and not be judged because finally i found someone who understands it. its not something we can make just "go away". i cant tell myself to calm down and do it. i get mad and it doesnt end till the next day or so. i feel the same as well about his exes. he is fb friends w/ some, one who i feel so threatened by even though she is married and pregnant w/ her 2nd baby!!! its sad i cant just let it go. he has treated me horrible and treats other girls like they are so special. it hurts.....bad. i want to be normal. will we ever? let me know if you ever seek help and it works. i would love to be ok and happy. thank you for your post

Given the history that you describe, I think it's entirely understandable that you have problems with men. And it's hard to stop being suspicious of others when it seems your fears have been confirmed in the past. It's important to realize, though, that all men are not the same and all are not responsible for the bad things that have been done to you, only the individuals who chose to act that way are responsible. So, if you're b/f is a good guy and treats you well, perhaps he deserves a chance to show you how wonderful he can be. Have you talked to him about all the stuff you just wrote about? If he's willing to spend the time to screen movies so he can watch them with you, I'm betting he would be willing to listen to your fears and try to find a solution that works for both of you. For instance, if there is a scene in a movie that upsets you, maybe you could reach over and hold his hand, rather than get angry about it. That can be your signal to him that you're feeling a little insecure so that he can reassure you.

I agree that therapy could probably help you out a lot, but the fact that you know there is a problem and that you want to work on it says a lot of good things about you as a person and I totally believe you can get past this in time.

Socialretard wrote:Also you know nothing about AvPD if you think your problem has anything to do with this. Have no clue why you posted it in here. You have low self esteem and let men walk all over you and chalk it up to all men are "pigs".

SR- really! The last thing us Avoidants need to do is chase people away and make our neurotic fears come true. IIRC, this is one of the most active boards on psychforums- probably because we are such good writers. So all manner of people might come wandering through- we can start by 'speaking' to them in ways that we should be speaking to ourselves. (Hey, you have to start somewhere.)

Lyra: you are welcome here if you are ironically comfortable hanging out with people who often don't feel welcome anywhere on the planet. I did notice that you wrote this:

Lyra wrote:"I am going start over. I will not let little things like this bother me."

One thing that I am certain of- and I think that any professional would agree- is that people suffer from things that they can't 'just snap out of.' If we could, there would be no reason for us to be here. So you may have to do a little work. If it seems like you have multiple difficulties in your life which are causing you grief, you might want to consider seeing a psychoanalyst. They have some pretty serious tools (like the MCMI) to simplify what is really going on.