get it off your chest/avoidant moment of the day

it seems like people on this forum are generally vague when describing their avoidant moments (because they're too ashamed to share them?), but i thought it might be nice to have a thread where you can describe a specific event in detail that happened to you recently. I think a lot of people are self-conscious about creating a thread about their personal problems so they never end up sharing them, especially the little things, instead they can just post them here. this could either be a good idea (more people share their anxieties and relate to others) or really bad idea (if it actually makes you analyze what you screwed up more, or if you come across this thread when you're in a bad mood and see an old post). We don't know each other in real life anyway, so we have nothing to lose. I'll start.

- in gym
- badminton partner is gone
- stand awkwardly by volleyball net for 5 minutes until gym teacher sees i'm alone
- asks if i need a partner, he tells me to partner up with a guy from a different gym class who forgot his gym clothes
- didn't understand his directions so i stood awkwardly next to the guy (who was sitting on a chair) until the gym teacher came over and told the partner himself to play with me.

now to hit the submit button and begin my ritual of not opening this forum for 3 days so I don't delete this thread or reread it

I did a lot of overcompensating today. I bet based on today no one would think I even have AvPD.

But appearances mean nothing. In reality, I've beating myself up all day for every word out of my mouth, to the point that I nearly couldn't even work. I'm kind of chill now that I've had a couple of beers and a sleeping pill. Now my mind is just blank. So that's where I'm at lately - either my mind is racing or it's completely blank. That middle ground is so evasive.

Oh, and about the erasing thing - if I post something that stresses me out, I copy it and send it in a PM to myself. Then if I cool off later, I can copy the PM and reedit my post adding it back in. Doesn't happen much, but I can totally see how freaked out you are by posting that. Case in point - look how few details are in my kvetchy post.

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bottles666 wrote:

a specific event in detail that happened to you recently.

I like your thread idea, Eggbob. If it must involve r/l interaction, my avoidant "moment of the day" typically lasts 24 hours.

Today, I spoke no words aloud, saw no one, and did not leave my house. Managed a set of chinups.
Yesterday, the same, but they were situps.
Tomorrow, the same. Maybe some pushups.

That's my life.

Sounds like prison.

I seem to be living in a somewhat self-imposed prison. Need to tease out which parts are self-imposed so I might change them.

And, yes, this thread is a good idea. In the past it would have helped me to be able to bounce troubling experiences off people who might understand.

Some woman was standing by the stairwell to the apartments upstairs from mind. Does she live up there or just visiting? I don't know. I got home when it was rather dark out. Mind was pretty absorbed with thoughts about dinner. She said "hi", but instead of saying "hi" back I just nodded and kept walking.

Meds making me sick. Spent day on floor in fetal position yesterday, crying like a child. Still cutting myself, moving from needing to see the blood as a way to sublimate the pain to using it as a means to exact direct punishment and loathing upon the self. Now feeling numb, broken, empty. Tears are an afterthought, but still seem to be coming in a slow and steady stream.

Therapy sucked today. Does anyone else feel that during therapy sessions their social skills seem to take a dive? It makes me feel anxious and even more self-aware than I normally am. I have to do exposure exercises now, but I didn't really do all that much this week and it felt like my therapist was judging me. I could barely look at her and my hands were in front of my mouth the whole time. She also brought up reducing the number of sessions to once every two weeks, it is hard for me to not take that as rejection.

My therapist also asked me to bring one of my drawings last time, I brought it but decided not to bring it up unless she asked. That made me nervous too. Then at the very end of the session she saw it (by accident) anyway. She asked me to show it to her and I think she was impressed because she talked about it for a few minutes. She gave compliments and asked if I traced it (I didn't) and what my inspiration was. It was just awkward, I am unable to take compliments without feeling embarrassed somehow, I don't know how to respond.

Good topic
- Oh party at work... 4 people... all talking and having a great time... me sitting there awkwardly having nothing to say. Couple of points. I once heard that the definition of a gentleman is making sure others feel comfortable. I am always stunned how I can be completely quiet and NO one does anything to bring me into the conversation. Also, I just cannot engage in inane conversation and these people only know how to do that. I mean really, the subject of conversation is about some particular building in the place they all live, who really cares... i mean really... "oh it used to be a restaurant; was it peppercorns; no it was smith place. Oh yes it was smith place." I think it is horrible.

- I parked illegally today at a condo complex next to the train station. I only do this when there is no legal spaces. So I get out of the car and I am standing at the light and this woman comes up to me and starts talking to me. She asks me all about the illegal parking. Is it hard to fool them, do they check the parking, what would they do if you parked there, then she told me she lived in the condo complex. At this point, I am thinking she is making some passive aggressive point -- telling me that I am busted. I can't imagine that someone would just start talking to me like that unless they were trying to make some point. I was uber rude and answered questions like, yes, no, yes, or didn't answer at all and gave a nut ball smile. But then she said *this is me* and stopped at the train and then hit me with the news that she wanted to know because she planned on moving and was wondering if she left -- could she come back and park there without getting caught.

Of course... but I immediately lept to the avoidant conclusion.

Just emailed the ex-quack and told him we're done.

Of course, I have been trying to extricate myself from this man for over two decades now. I went for a good decade without contact until I had a dream about him almost two years ago. This is like an addiction. It is not therapeutic from what I can tell. I didn’t get out of my s-word obsession until I got away from him. I didn’t begin to feel in control of my life until I got away from him. In all practical ways, my life was on hold while I was seeing him. It did not improve until I ditched him the first time.

Wish me luck in breaking this unhealthy addiction to this quack.

I think it's best that I embrace my isolation and guard it jealously from now on.

I don't really have avoidant moments. There's little to distinguish one moment from the next.

I'm not agoraphobic but I might as well be, the result is basically the same. I spend 30 minutes to 1 hour outside the house, but only on walks in the immediate vicinity of my house.

The only two friends I've had for the last ten years, I don't really want to see them anymore.

I'm shutting off my mom again. My dad and I don't really have a relationship. I go days, maybe weeks without saying a word to him and I see him every day. There are months between anything resembling a conversation.