what the hell is wrong with me?

So, facebook + valentines day = kill me now.
My ex-fiance (not my son's father) tried to friend me on facebook. And I approved it. And I got a message of "hi" back immediately.
Perhaps I'm trying to go bulimic, make myself vomit, lose a little weight.
If I don't respond - I mean, I did accept the stupid friend request - then I'm a bitch from hell.
Or worse, not over it.
But my fear is there will be awkward hints about getting back together.
Which isn't happening, believe me.
See, I must like to hang out in that hole, because every time I start to make progress, I set myself up for another tailspin.
On the other hand, this could be good. Okay, I actually don't know how that could happen.
So I either have to second guess every word (you remember that song Shadowboxer?) or beat myself up for cutting off contact again.
I'm hoping for a message tomorrow that says "I was really drunk last night, and I'm actually not interested in talking to you."
That would be awesome!
A girl can dream, huh?

What happened with this ex-fiancee? I guess it's safe to say it didn't end well. lol.

At the very least I guess you could take it as a compliment that he contacted you.

Honestly it's ok to be conflicted about this I guess. On the one hand, you wanting to avoid him makes sense. He's an ex for a reason. And it makes sense that you have this hope that this could be good. There are certain aspects about him that you liked in order for you to get engaged in the first place right? You probably feel some nostalgia about that.

I have considered contacting my ex on facebook. I'm the one who cut off contact in the first place and placed the vast majority of the blame on her. But in retrospect, I deserved a good chunk of the blame myself. I've no interest in getting back together with her or even sleeping with her. But she's in the area these days (we met online. long-distance. Then had meetups after that. Spent a whole weekend with her even) and it would be nice to have a female friend to talk to and hang around with (especially one I don't want to sleep with. I'm serious. I would need to pop a Cialis/Viagra in order to pull that one off. There's like zero physical chemistry there on my end and I had only dated her originally because she liked me and I didn't have much self-esteem, thinking I couldn't afford to be picky). She was fun. And plus she's more extroverted and in touch with social life and such. Would be what I need in order to get out there more socially. It's such a shame that I'm not attracted to her. Because I really could use a friend with benefits. So yeah it's not about ego at all. If she met the "yeah I'd hit it " requirement, I'd put aside the past and bone her now and then.

It ended when I was introduced to the new girlfriend, and my ex was somehow dumbfounded that I wasn't interested in having a 3-way marriage. I'm telling you, a cheater is great for an avoidant - no worries about it getting too close for comfort, there's always a ready-made excuse when backing off, it feeds into your gutter-level self-esteem. But when we were alone together, it was pretty decent. I spent quite a long time reminding myself of all the bad things not to fall back into it. My ex is a bad penny, always popping up, but I'm the idiot who reaches down to pluck it up.

Anyhoo, it's probably water under the bridge. Because I am truly not interested in going down that path again - took years, but I finally learned my lesson.

But still, why reminisce about it? Yes, once upon a time I was not so pathetic that I did actually have a relationship. Now I don't and I'm about to have my nose rubbed in it. Who would want to go through that? Why don't I have the self-preserving instinct to click "ignore"? This is not a random person - I know my ex is bad news, and knows tons of secrets about me. I'm an idiot, plain and simple, and a masochist who's willing to snatch up any opportunity to knock myself down again. I don't need my family to cut my feet out from under me; I'm perfectly willing and able to do it to myself.

grumble, grumble...

Don't beat yourself up. And don't beat yourself up for beating yourself up. And it's not true that you are too pathetic for a relationship. How do you know that? You push a guy away whenever he's nice to you. Because you're afraid he's going to inevitably betray you. It's easier said than done for me to tell you to stop pushing em away. It's always easier said than done when you're an avoidant.

Thanks - that made me feel better! I'll try to remember not to beat myself up for beating myself up.

No problem. Anything for a cub-seducing cougar.

Yeah, like I'm going to be seducing anyone. I'll have to read that Pick Up Artist book to get half a clue - though I suspect if I did I'd be driven back into my shell for a couple of years at least.

You look young for your age no and young guys go for you no? So what do you mean you can't seduce anyone? :p

If I got a lobotomy and forgot everything about myself maybe I could get out of my own way. Maybe.

I'm not sure what the hell is wrong with you.

You make a lot of bad choices.


I wonder if there's a universe, where bad choices are harder to make.......rather than easier.