isolation inside relationships

.

My usual disclaimer: I'm not diagnosed AvPD, but I fit in very well here and within the diagnostic criteria as well.

Now, to your questions.

(1) Sometimes. It really depends on the partner. I personally believe AvPD makes people vulnerable to choosing very bad partners. I've had multiple cluster B partners (antisocial, borderline, histrionic, narcissistic), who were initially great at me feeling like I wasn't alone and was well-understood and cared for. This was a myth. Other girls I often just never got the illusion of support at all. I think there was only one girl who really understood what was going on with me, really, and she was really, really special. Not sure if she's "the one who got away" or anything, but yeah, definitely of a different caliber than my other things. Anyway, I think that, like anyone, AvPDs and people with avoidant tendencies will encounter a range of responses and levels of understanding and support. I do think we're probably more sensitive to the lack of such support than others.

(2) Illusory emotional closeness, yes. See above. I felt closest emotionally when physically with my borderline exes. Not real intimacy, though.

(3) I've had AvPD symptoms my whole life and almost all of my relationships and even hookups have had an online component to them.

--

Nobody is unsuitable for a relationship, and you seem lovely, anyway, bottles666; of course, if you don't want one, that's fine, but if you do, don't give up

(1) Can you talk about your AvPD with your partner? If not, is it just sort of an open secret? If so, are they supportive, and does their support help?
Yes, though I haven't been officially diagnosed. Hm...supportive? He finds it difficult to relate to, so he gets annoyed about it easily, and often just calls me irrational rather than supporting me. However, he is often supportive in social situations, and tends to handle a lot of them for me. I suppose he doesn't know how to be more supportive than that, there isn't much one can do, is there? :/

(2) Do you find there's an intrinsic degree of emotional closeness stemming from physical closeness? I don't necessarily mean sex, but even something like holding hands, or a hug. If you are withdrawn, are those just empty gestures, little different than holding a pencil? Or is there an emotional connection behind it with a loved one, and does that help you to feel less isolated?
Umm... not sure. No, I think it's the other way around. The emotional closeness we began with - became close online first - evolved into intense love, which in turn made me want the physical closeness, and, I believe, the same with him. Hm... if I don't get these urges for hugs and such, and do it anyway, I feel fake, and it does feel like an 'empty gesture', as you say. It does help me to feel better, often, and a little better in social situations, but it doesn't do much for isolation because we are so incredibly close, it just seems to not count for all the social contact I'm missing out on. If that made any sense.

(3) Did your relationship start before or after your AvPD symptoms?
Well, I've always had a couple of symptoms, but it was before the AvPD got so bad, and also before I was 18.

.

bottles666 wrote:

Being in a relationship is also tricky because that person sort of becomes an extension of yourself. You are judged for their actions.

That's interesting. I'd never considered it before. I like it when people say things I have never considered before.

That's the way I'm constantly thinking about everything. That's a big reason why I try not to associate myself with much. The one thing I dislike about my job the most is when we are overpriced for certain things. I feel like because I work there, and the store is charging too much, that makes the store look bad. And because I work at that store, that it makes me as a person look bad.

--