Im not sure how to call this topic

I'm new here. I suck at talking about my life and so on. So i decided to take a text (story, poem, whatever) i wrote as a 16 year old guy. Even back then it was clear to me to what direction my life is going.Then I named that story "Autobiography of a mad man". But as i got older and had experienced more i decided to rename it into "The city". I translated it from my language so i'm sure its full of grammatical and other errors. But i hope u get the point. My english is not so good either so sorry for any mistake i made writing this.Also i am quite drunk (i wouldn't post this while sober thats for sure but whatever).

The city
My house is full of dust. I don’t like dust because i can’t breathe normally, and since there is so much of it, i can’t see clearly through it. Sometimes it seems to me like my whole house is built from dust. I’m hiding in my house for quite some time now, and just occasionally, i look outside through the window.

What i see outside is the reason why i am hiding. Around my house there are countless houses. Some are bigger, some smaller.
But they all look bigger than my house.
Threateningly they stand around my house, surrounding it from all sides, so that sun can’t see me. At this moment I don’t want to go outside. Again..

Oh yes, I went outside before.

Street was endlessly long, surrounded with houses on both sides. There was Silence and there was Peace. But I couldn’t live with that Peace. I looked at each house. They were in different shapes. Some were just simple spheres and some more complex than that. Unimaginable geometric shapes. They all had windows.

I walked to first house next to mine. It was big. It was perfect cube with two windows looking at the street. There weren’t any windows on other walls of the house. I wanted to see if anyone is in the house.

Someone who was searching, like I was.

I moved curtains from the windows. Curtains had different emotions on them. Happiness, anger, rage, passion... There was nothing in the house. That NOTHINGNESS frightened me.
I ran back to my house.

I roam my house now for a long time. Dust still bothers me. I want to remove it, but when I try it just rises in the air and bothers me even more. If I try to wash it away but it just becomes harder.
I would like to look through windows of other houses again. Desire turns into thousand needles stinging me. I can’t live alone like this, but I am afraid of what is outside. But I know I HAVE TO move.
I really don’t have any choice.

Because my house is not the only one out there. I wait for desire to grow over fear.
I go outside again, and same scene like before. Countless houses and long street. Two big houses next to mine frighten me. I already know there is no one in there. It is so cold and quiet here. I walk down the road and watch houses. They are painted in different colors, but somehow I know that under that there is just gray brick everywhere.

I walk along that street trying to find house with someone inside…

I walk days…
Months…
Years…
I don’t count time anymore.

It stopped to exists and it swirls around me. For a moment its today, next moment its tomorrow and next its yesterday. I don’t follow it anymore and I don’t want to. I can’t find house that stands out, so I decide that one thousandth house I go by will be the one ill look into.

I start to count…
Thousand is such a big number…

After long search, countless numbers I come to the one thousandth house. This house is shaped as hemisphere and it has few windows. Like all other houses, it has emotions on curtains.
I remove curtain… But…

In horror I notice that behind that curtain, there another one just alike. And after that another, and another, and another. I moved thousand curtains. I looked into the house and saw

NOTHING…
nothing…

My heart beats fast, my body heats up, it is hot and I want to run away. I’m burning out FEAR. I want to run, but it’s so hot that asphalt is melting under my feet. It becomes sticky. Its so hard to move. My eyes are wide open in scream that was swallowed up by Silence. Now I know.
How fortunate are the fools!

I try to move, but my legs are stuck.
I remember Woman-God. Sin. She knows. Sins must be spoken for punishment to come. Few can say what their sins are. But what about me that lives them?
I want to scream! I’m insane and enraged. There is no more sense! I bite my legs to free myself! I curse, scream and cry!
In the bang walls of my house are crumbling. There are only ruins now.
_______

(woman-god is reference to one dream i had so i understand if that part is confusing)
I tried to establish friendship and relationship with one girl. She has BPD so i guess it was destined to fail. Not that much because of her but because i cant offer her stability and support she needs. I told my sister that with her everything ends this way or another ( i drink to much and bother my younger sister but i am gonna stop doing that). I knew it will end but what surprised me how much i actually struggled to keep her. I fought my fears and doubts but it wasn't enough.Today i told her that i want to live alone from now on.
Why am i writing all this?
I guess its my way to say goodbye to people. I don't want to kill myself. I'm just done with people. And i'm writing all this here because i know this all will go unnoticed in my surrounding. No one will know anything changed. Its kinda depressing. Person makes so huge decision and it goes unnoticed. So i wanted to grant myself bit of relief. Some kind of closure. I'm sorry if this is pain to read for some of you, but i think that of all moments in my life this is one when i deserve to be little selfish and do something for myself.
Whats the point of this post?
There is none. I don't ask for understanding, pity or comfort. I just don't want that end of my struggle and torture with people goes without notice. I want to make some sense out of this.

Well I'm certainly glad you mentioned that you don't plan on killing yourself (that is what you meant right? ) because your last paragraph sounded kind of finalistic...

If you want to cut yourself off physically or emotionally from people that's ok you know... and it doesn't have to be forever. But you should know that not all "houses" are as empty as the ones you described in your poem... even if it sounds tiring and pointless, the trick is to not look into one in every one thousand houses but to look into each and every one of them... also, you should learn to appreciate your own first and not compare it to others.

Nice poem btw

After over a six years (and depression fully developed) i made arrangement to meet therapist next week. It is hard for me to believe it will do anything good for me, this is just a shout-out to anyone that needs it, it takes time, never give up.