Co-worker with APD

Hello all,

I am new to this forum and would first like to give a short insight into the problem. I do not have a personality disorder but have a very dear co-worker who seems to suffer from avoidant personality disorder. We have been very close for the past 2 years every since he started his job here. He is very shy and did not share a lot of information about himself with anyone. Our friendship is characterized by times of closeness where he is almost clingy and time of strong rejection. That is of course quite difficult to accept. But I really care for this guy, in fact he is so different from other men I have met before. I know that he is interested in a relationship with me but seems to be to shy and scared to make the first move. Just on Friday we had one of our long conversations. It was quite interesting because we first talked about our boss and how he (the boss) liked to have strong personalities in his group. At one point we started to talk about admitting weakness and my friend asked me if I would see a man as weak and stupid if he would admit his weakness towards me. This kind of conversation comes up every now and then and it just feels like beating around the bush. Somehow we both know that we talk about us, but nothing happens. I know that he expects me to say or do something that would make him feel secure enough with me to start a relationship. When we talked about the topic and I asked him what a woman needs to do to win his heart he refused to tell me because "then you would know". At least he tried to paraphrase it and said that the guy and girl have to play games with each other. Now for me playing games with a potential partner isn't something positive but he told me that what he means is in fact something positive.
I know that the information in my post isn't too much but I would like to know how the guys in this forum see my situation. What would you need to know from a potential partner to trust them that they really love you?

I am looking forward to your replies.

Thanks,
Hello

I think that might be different for everyone. But there are a few things. One would be helping me out when I had a real problem. I remember one time when my car wouldn't start and a woman at work gave me a ride home - a 50 mile round trip. Here's another one - might seem silly . But if a woman just gives me a back rub I really fall for her. No woman ever does it. But I do love a back rub. A free BJ would do it too! I have to pay $200 for those.

Avoidants require a written and notarized statement guaranteeing that 100% acceptance will be the result of their asking you out.
I might be kidding around with you a bit, but not much.

Well thanks for both of your comments.
@ Parador
The thing with him is that he doesn't like to be helped a lot. He is very afraid of showing weakness. I do a lot for him, not because I want to manipulate him, but because I just am this way. He even has accused me for manipulating him once because I told him that I think he will once be a good husband and father, and I was absolutely serious about that. Anyway, at least I am one of the only people that he trusts somehow and that he feels somehow comfortable charging his problems with. As for the touching. In the beginning when he came here he did not let anybody touch him. Shaking hands was somehow OK but touching or even hugging was absolutely off limits. By now, I am the only one who can really touch him. And I know that he feels comfortable when I touch or stroke his shoulders or hands.

@ GuySmiley
Yeah that would be a great idea but I guess then he would feel a bit stupid.
But seriously, it really is bothering me also because he is starting a new job next year and that will be in a different city far away. I guess I will have to see if I one day find the right words.

Thanks for all your help!

Wow he sounds like a lucky APD.

I have a friend at work and ironically the trust issue has already come up. This is before I even had heard of avoidant personality disorder. I told her I trust no one and she has immediately done all she can to foster trust ever since. She is a good friend. And although she might not see that she has gotten through to me, she has, I do trust her.

Now that isn't to say that I don't need a lot of maintenance. It isn't as if she can just do what she wants now. The slightest thing can set me off running. For instance on my birthday she took me out, but she insisted we go shopping for clothing. I felt like she was telling me there was something wrong with the way I dressed. That almost made me break it off, but I figured she had made the effort to remember my b-day and do something with me. So she deserved the benefit of the doubt. But I will remember that and one more non -trust thing and she will likely be toast, even after all she has done for me.

My trigger with people is VERY high. The slightest thing can cause me to withdraw.

Why do you think he is a lucky APD, SaraShaw?
It is interesting how you describe your situation with your friend at work. It just can imagin him saying these things about us.
Today I was quite surprised. Usually after we have conversations like the one last week about relationships he avoids me and backs off. But today he was pretty close and friendly, that was nice.
I just don't know how to make both of us being honest about our feelings towards each other.

I just don't know how to make both of us being honest about our feelings towards each other.

I believe you will have to make the first step (but maybe best not a too big step at once). Don't wait till he does it, maybe he will never dare that (even if he would really like to ).

exact wrote:

I just don't know how to make both of us being honest about our feelings towards each other.

I believe you will have to make the first step (but maybe best not a too big step at once). Don't wait till he does it, maybe he will never dare that (even if he would really like to ).

Yeah I think so too. The thing is that I tried it before and he told me that he was not sure about his future and a few other things. I did not try again to talk directly about it with him, ever since we have been beating around the bush. I think everything went too fast for him. But of course now I am a bit shy to make the first move. I mean he even said that women should make the first step. So I am sure he wants me to do something. But then again, would you guys believe me? I know I can't go fast with him but what kind of careful ans small steps would be OK?

I mean he even said that women should make the first step

maybe you can try to bring up this subject again, and ask him to give some examples of what a good first step would be?

That would be an idea but I know that I have to be very careful. Sometimes he just takes it as manipulation.