A Forumlaic Approach to Social Interaction?

Listener wrote:I just can't bring myself to even try.

You just gave two examples where that isn't true. What if you tried more often?

Listener wrote:And the few opportunities I've had I've been less than receptive. High standards and low self esteem do not work well together.

Obviously low self-esteem isn't ideal, but there's nothing wrong with high standards. Girls actually prefer guys with standards.

For me a 'formulaic approach' would not work because my brain shuts down in such situations. Plan A, B all the way to Z go right out the window. My auto-pilot commandeers all the processing power it can get, to most quickly and efficiently navigate out of a conversation.

While it is true that I have made a handful of attempts at, I suppose flirting, I have never made a concentrated, long term effort.

What prevents me from trying more frequently? I think many things. I've commented elsewhere that it seems to me that as one gets older, there is a greater expectation. So while when one is young, teens or into early twenties, it is not really expected to be successful with career, or to have any major accomplishments or that your life is really going anywhere. But this changes when one gets older.

I think my fear is if I really did genuinely try to date or seek out relationships that I would find out that I am indeed correct, and that I would lose hope even more so than I have already.

I agree having no standards is a sign of lack of dignity and self respect, and is not attractive.

But those standards are at the same time a barrier.

When I think of the girls that have displayed or expressed obvious interest in me, I must admit that it was not just my low self esteem and fear of expressing my feelings that pushed them away. While most of them could be described as average or even a bit above average attractiveness none of them were quite attractive enough for me to be seriously interested. That isn't to say that if they were more attractive I would become super confident and aggressive, quite the opposite, but I think it would have been just enough to bring me to act.

Add in standards of intelligence, moral character and I build up a standard that seems impossible to reach myself. Some might suggest, starting at a lower standard and through that gaining confidence to reach a higher standard, but not only is that manipulative and a way of using people selfishly, it's also a violation of something ingrained into me from my religious upbringing. No sex outside of marriage. And no divorce. Meaning, you've got one chance to get it right. So don't mess it up.

It is staggering to me the amount of time and mental effort I have devoted to this issue and I don't know if I really have anything to show for it.