I need help

Hello, name is Ray.
I wanted to let this off my chest in some place, hopefully this is the correct sub-forum as I might be more than 'avoidant personality disorder' type of person.

The story: difficult life, with dad being an 'addict' to gambling...... more specifically to horse racing.
He would leave us for months, and then come back, this affected me somewhat.... but I don't think it was THAT life changing...
The only real effect it had on me was that this relationship hurt my mother. Other than that I would care less if he left us or not (even to this day he recently was doing this, leaving... and my mother would take him in AGAIN, and again etc)
The economical issues we faced were what hurt me the most..... seeing my mother struggle and not being able to do much...

Then there is something else....... which in fact is the biggest life 'changer' for me...... not that it changed things per se, I was BORN with this, what is it? Well my right eye is in fact a bit smaller than my left eye and I cannot see through it, not only that it is a blue-white-ish color......... so it is quite noticeable..

Well this affected my life like you people can't imagine, I had very few close friends throughout my entire life.
I've never had a girlfriend, etc. etc. my social life is reduced to my close family.
This wasn't so much an issue..... I guess time got me to feel safe being by myself.
But sometimes, and more so recently I've just had enough of being alone...... I want to hang out with friends, I want a girl...
I just want a normal life, although I know it's practically impossible.
Why? Well let's just say that I can't face people without being self-conscious about my eye......... I just can't take people seriously either....... I feel like I'm talking to the same idiots all the time...... although this is purely speculation and plain avoidance on my part of meeting people.

In high school I met a very small group of people, the first one was a guy his name was lets say... Alex, he was my best friend throughout high school, then he and me met some other 3 people
we were all close, and after high school we still had SOME contact...... well after a couple of years of us being separated
our relationship is pretty much non existent..

This as the last time I had any real friends....

I'm just tired of not being able to meet people
I work part time trying to DRAG myself through college......... without any real goal in mind

I don't talk to anyone about how I feel, I don't feel suicidal or anything, just sad......

On work people sometimes talk to me, and I just kind of shrug them off, like ' oh really? okay'
It's the story of my life.

I don't think I want to seek professional help, although it would probably be my only option now...
But as a poor college student who just skipped a semester I have no real way of paying a specialist, etc.

Hey Ray. Can you wear some kind of contact lens to make your eye look more normal?

I just can't take people seriously either....... I feel like I'm talking to the same idiots all the time...... although this is purely speculation and plain avoidance on my part of meeting people.

As for this. Don't worry. You are RIGHT. You most likely ARE talking to idiots most of the time. I used to fel like you about wanting friends and everything. Not so much now. I find I like being alone most of the time. Alone from people that is - I love my little Baby (cat).

Parador wrote: I used to fel like you about wanting friends and everything. Not so much now. I find I like being alone most of the time.

Don't completely buy that. It sounds too much like my own lip service. But the truth is that I'm torn between wanting to have people that I am close to and can trust, and not wanting to get hurt or disappointed by them. Since there's a really low chance I'll get choice #1 (even though that's what I'd rather have), I put my money on choice #2. So I like being alone - a hell of a lot better than getting screwed over, anyway.

Ironically, you owe your fate to something physical that people and yourself can identify as something that sets you apart from them. It's explainable. For people with AvPD and nothing to identify them, we're just viewed as strange, weird or off the beam and best avoided which reinforces our distorted sense of self. Not sure which is worse.

Wondering - are you saying that because someone has "something physical that people and yourself can identify" means that they can't be avoidant? 'Cause I don't buy that either. Perhaps they have a "less ephemeral" excuse for their behavior, but it's about as arbitrary as thinking you are emotional kryptonite. People become more attracted to those they love. Physical differences are not the only thing that could keep someone from attracting someone else. So if someone is burned by their past experiences, regardless of "why" it happened, I think they can become AvPD.

Neither is mutually exclusive. One can have either one or both. The AvPD condition can exist on its own or be attributable to one's physical appearance or have been present before any connection with a physical appearance and then exacerbated by others' negative attention to that physical condition or been non-existent until the negative attention made itself felt.

Are you a student of Lemony Snicket?

No, SunTzu and von Clausewitz, with an independent study under Marlowe, my cat.

I did manage to get the question about Daniel Handler on Jeopardy wrong....alas.

Panzerfaust I agree with what you have to say about avpd in general. We have all arrived at this destination via different paths be it a physical issue like raginmund or otherwise.
The 2x things we do all have in common are though are; it's one tough life to live and we are all our own worst enemies.
Sorry you found your way here raginmund....and I mean that in a figurative and sincere way....but I hope this place helps you as a support system.
Avpd'ers really are my favorite folk in the world.

Parador wrote:Hey Ray. Can you wear some kind of contact lens to make your eye look more normal?

I just can't take people seriously either....... I feel like I'm talking to the same idiots all the time...... although this is purely speculation and plain avoidance on my part of meeting people.

As for this. Don't worry. You are RIGHT. You most likely ARE talking to idiots most of the time. I used to fel like you about wanting friends and everything. Not so much now. I find I like being alone most of the time. Alone from people that is - I love my little Baby (cat).

Thank you for your reply.

and yes in fact I'm supposed to wear some kind of 'shell' over my eye.... and it sort of looks normal.
BUT most of the times it bothers my eye..... I just feel like no matter how much I talk to my doctor we can't figure out why it bothers my eye so much (he just tells me that anything that isn't part of your body would obviously feel 'weird')
anyways, I don't wear it...... and maybe that WOULD help me.... but I can't

GuySmiley wrote:Panzerfaust I agree with what you have to say about avpd in general. We have all arrived at this destination via different paths be it a physical issue like raginmund or otherwise.
The 2x things we do all have in common are though are; it's one tough life to live and we are all our own worst enemies.
Sorry you found your way here raginmund....and I mean that in a figurative and sincere way....but I hope this place helps you as a support system.
Avpd'ers really are my favorite folk in the world.

Thanks I hope that I can find people to relate to.
cheers