How to break the stigma / stereotype?

Hey everyone,

Just a quick question - has anyone here attempted and were successful in breaking their own stigma?

To be more specific: Imagine yourself started off as being very quiet, didn't talk much, and appeared serious. One week elapsed and basically people assumed that you're either weird or has lack of interest or just plain shy. No one ever comes up to you to engage you in any meaningful conversation ... and as an individual AvPD... you can't help but to fall into the vicious cycle

You are quiet originally -> people tried to engage you but didn't work -> you stayed quiet -> people think you're weird / etc -> you regressed / isolate yourself more.

I'm sure everyone with AvPd encountered this situation sometimes in their life ... but at the same time, leaving their new job / city they live in / school is just not feasible. The only way is that you want to start new with the same group of people. My question is: how can you do that?

God do i know this feeling all too well. Seems hard to change peoples perception of you once they make up their mind. On the other side are those the type of people that you would want to be around anyway? People that are so quick to judge before they even get to know you. No ones perfect so the only thing i have found that helps me is not caring what others think about you.

Hey ethels, I think if you simply try and be more engaging (don't overdo it) then some of the people you speak of will return in kind regardless of their past perceptions of you. Especially if you're only talking a week or so. It's quite common for a lot of people to take time to open up to others and others can be (surprisingly) welcoming when you do. It may take some time and for sure effort but if they are people worth knowing, they most likely will respond. As the pain said, not worrying about what others think of you will certainly help. I know that can be really hard to do but it's you're opinion of yourself that really matters most and is what dictates how you will interact with others.

If you're struggling with that right now but still want to try and be social, you could give someone a hand with something or what have you. Let them know you're a nice guy. Just don't become a doormat for them, know your boundaries and maintain a level of respect for yourself. Remember people can be quite weary of those they see as shy. Try not to take this too personally. They just don't know how to take you and may be wondering why is this person like this.

Rusty

Maybe I should have started a different thread for this but since the topic is stigma I had to throw in another post here about my current experience with it.

I grew up and currently live in a small town/rural area. It's kind of like living at the "Cheers" bar (old TV show). Where everyone knows your name or they will make a point of knowing it. A hell of a place to have AvPD. I've had years and years of stigma attached to myself due to my avoidance of others. I don't blame anyone but myself, people have given me many chances. I just didn't know how to respond properly and my fear of rejection was off the charts.

I have managed to have a life of sorts by basically being a fake person. A false self so to speak. I had no idea at all how to be myself nor did I dare to even try most times as I felt so unsure and negative about myself. Faking myself as an average person did allow me to have jobs and do some other things in life but it was pure hell for the most part and I avoided every possible situation that involved others as much as I could, which was a lot. I kept this up for as long as I could (25yrs at least) until I just couldn't do it anymore. Then bang, crash, boom, down a black hole I went, which I wouldn't wish on anyone. For the past three years I've been climbing back up and it's been a struggle to say the least.

Over all this time people have formed lots of negative opinions of me. When you avoid others in all the possible ways I did it would be hard not to think the worst of someone. Anyway, now that I'm finally making some headway I'm running head on with the problem of how others have judged me. It's like I made my bed, now I have to sleep in it. I'm making attempts to become more social which is really all new to me and it can sometimes be like a kid learning how to drive a bike but I must say, there are people out there that are responding better than I expected. Some are almost like, hey, there you are! Yet there are others who aren't so forgiving.

The good thing is their opinion of me no longer concerns me on a conscious level and my anxiety is almost entirely gone. The bad thing is their rejection could act as a trigger for my old habits and I have to be very alert to this or it might become a struggle again. Not only that but being social with some of these people seems almost more trouble than it's worth at times.

This possible trigger effect has me worried sometimes and I never want to go back to the way it was for me but there are those out there that can remind me daily of the past since I live in an area where it's so easy to run into these people every which way I turn. I'm 99% sure there can be no turning back for me now as my perception, my very way of thinking is so different now. Still I don't want to get too cocky as the power of the mind (not trying to sound New Age or anything) I've learned is much greater than one might expect. On the other hand it is actually kind of fun to meet people now and not have it bother me. Empowering even.

The other part that is still a challenge is when you burn so many bridges from past behavior, it's hard to get across the river. I'm looking for a new job now and I've lost pretty much any contacts I ever made and there are other social challenges to contend with such as having no friends to speak of and such. This kind of stuff can get very depressing sometimes.

I used to think to myself when I was younger, maybe things would be better if I just took off and went somewhere else and had a fresh start. Looking back though I know this wouldn't have helped me much as I still hadn't changed on the inside. I would have ended up taking my issues with me wherever I went. Today, I find myself wondering this again. Only this time I do think it would be helpful for me. The problem this time around is that I have commitments where I'm at and it isn't so easy to just pull up stakes and start fresh. I guess regardless of what I do, I just have to take it one day at a time and see what happens.

Living in a small town is a hell for an avoidant. I couldn´t help it. However I guess you are in someway used to. The most similar situation the author of the thread and you are referring that I lived and I´m living takes place in my job. My experience is not too negative as I thought. They all know how I am and respect the way I am. I try to socialize with some of them who are really nice people and they make things easier for me. For good or bad I have been the same person in any school I worked. So I understand that you wonder if you could find another place where you can live without the label people stick on you. You will go on the same person but with a better understanding of you and this is a good point to start. Then, there is also a good point, people would be different. You could find people who fit better with you. Any way you choose it will be difficult but in your post I can read possitive things: you are surprise in relation to how many people are behaving now, you feel like a new person, you want to socialize... try to focuss on that. The people who you find opened up and understanding I´m sure they appreciate you and they are indeed calorous and understanding. They have not changed. I guess they didn´t know how to break your shell. So focuss on them.
I hope you´ll find a job soon. It´s a good thing for an avoidant to have a job. If I haven´t got my job I don´t know what I would do.

Thanks for your words twistermind. I just applied for another job today so I'll see how that goes. It's been quite a while since I've been an employee. I wonder what it will feel like this time round.

I don´t think I helped you to solve the problem, anyway you´re welcome.
I haven´t still broken the circle, so...the problem is that in the case, people don´t put us any label on us, we indeed labelled us in the past (I can´t fit with this person, I´m a boring person, I´m gonna lost my tempter as always, ´m not gonna talk to him because he always ignored me and so on... it´s difficult to act in a different way. I think the key is the feeling we could have. If we really feel like a different person. A person capable of taking risks, a person who is able to face the same situations in a different way...it could be a starting point. I hope I will be able to tell you that I finally break the stigma. And I hope you all will be able to tell me the same.
Good luck!

More ideas, people?