i crawled out only to fall back in

I've been gone from here for quite a while. I forced myself to become a better person and get away from this way of thinking. It has been hell doing so but I actually improved. I finally began to be happy. I was still introverted but I forced myself to meet new people. It was so hard. I felt like an idiot but with each try I got better. I began dating. Every date was horrible but each one was better than the last. I was learning how to do this finally! I'm not a virgin or anything. I've had lots of girlfriends and even been married at one point. I've never gone after them though. They ALL came after me so I don't know how to do this. Well recently something crazy happened. I met someone who was amazing. We clicked immediately. I don't know how the hell I managed to pull this off. I wasn't even totally open with her although I finally saw myself being able to do so. We would get together all the time and have a blast. We were having sex and it was good. For once, in a very long time, I was finally happy! I couldn't believe it! I have no idea how I pulled this off. I remember laying in her bed as she went to go get us some wine from the kitchen and I was thinking... "Is this real? Am I actually laying in this bed with this beautiful and cool woman? This can't be happening to me. At some point she's going to figure out I'm not well in the head and she's going to dump me." I decide not to freak out over that and just enjoy the ride. Well... it was a very enjoyable ride but just as I knew it came to an end. What the ###$ am I supposed to do now? I don't even know how I pulled that off. It was hard work. I had to basically fake it, become someone I'm not. Wear a mask. And now I'm alone again because I dumped her. I had to. She was only using me as a back up in case another guy she was seeing ever left her. I didn't know this at first. I may be mental but I'm not anyone's ######6 doormat. I hate being alone.

Hey,

I don't honestly remember you from before, but not to worry... ... Is it that one break-up that has now brought you here? I guess you were angry that it didn't work out, or maybe 'deflated' is a better word to use. Look at all you've done though - Read back over your post and think about it all. You've covered somuch ground and gained so much experience in everything you've done. You could view right now as a sort of breather or rest period. Take the time out that you need but don't stall for too long. We must always push ourselves harder and harder to make things better. It's too easy to fall back and let depression/sadness overcome us.

Kevin

ninphm,

Sounds like you've had a lot of hard earned success. When a person gets knocked down I think it's fairly common for it to have the effect of making one grab onto old patterns of thinking and so forth. That way of thinking has had a long time to become engrained into your natural way of being. Whereas it's going to take some time and more positive experiences for newer patterns to become more firmly entrenched. As Kevin mentioned in his reply, try to consider all that you have done so far and let that help you back to where you are feeling better.

Rusty

Yep - I remember you. How hard was it to get sex with this babe? Was it $200 worth of work? $400? I've had hookers for those prices. Sounds like you got a decent deal. I gave up on all that love stuff a few years ago. I see relationshipos as people using people. Can you tell? I'm getting more schizoid as I get older. And I think hookers are the answer to every problem.

If anything it's a good riddance that you're not with that girl anymore - you deserve someone better. I think everyone who got a heart out there experiences heartbreak sometimes when their loyalties were returned with betrayal. It takes time to recover: you can't expect yourself to be all optimistic and positive in a day. But from what I've seen, you've done it once and you can do it again!

I also remember you!
I lived a similar situation with one of my co-workers many years ago. It was really hard and I couldn´t avoid falling into depression. Than, I realized I was not really in love with him. At the beginning, I tried to wear a mask so he couldn´t realized I was so novice and social inept. Lol! He was with another of my co-workers at the same time. It was tough. No-word can help you in this moment. Ar you in love with her?
"I don´t want to be alone" is what called my attention. Be patient, try to look for others motivations and try to learn how to live alone. In the way you don´t need anyone I´m sure you feel good enough to face to another relationship in equal condictions.
Good luck honey and wellcome back!

Parador wrote:Yep - I remember you. How hard was it to get sex with this babe? Was it $200 worth of work? $400? I've had hookers for those prices. Sounds like you got a decent deal. I gave up on all that love stuff a few years ago. I see relationshipos as people using people. Can you tell? I'm getting more schizoid as I get older. And I think hookers are the answer to every problem.

There are definite pluses to this method. No rejection, not all that expensive compared to a few dates/drinks/time invested, and you will always get what you want. It probably wont be as satisfying as being married to a great person, but marriage has its own massive set of drawbacks, and many of us arent cut out for marriage anyways.

Anyways, I dont think romantic relationships are worth it. But in an emotional sense im a coward, so maybe thats just me.