almost there...what goes on thru avpd mind?

i posted very few. but,..avpd in general. on the other recieving end...relationships/friendships one with avpd one not with avpd...what should i do? obviously..i would like to know what goes on with avpd thinking. no offense. i mean...patience is a virtue! but, damn!!! i have feelings too!
i ain't being demanding! ?? but, man!!! how do i word this.....i got a pretty cool friend with avpd...i think just pretty awsome when we get to talk,. but yes...intimacy,..like just talking about personal stuf. (which makes a person pretty cool talking about themselves and oh my? same experiences)....total withdrawl day after we talk? or should i say ,email&text.? like a cool but like whaaaat i say? my friend wants to talk too, mostly when i noticed has a "martini"...but...the pain of the recieving end (me) of the withdrawl/ignore/undermind the reciever next day after???.....gets pretty old&painful to me.. i usually say "sorry". for what, i don't know?...but...usually a day or so after all this,...i make contact.. when i do...she happy. then,...the cycle starts again....
i think she's a cool friend!! but...it is going in circles.
i don't won't to loose her as a friend by any means!!! but,...the circles or getting tedious.
not that i am loosen interest in my friend,..i don't won't to present myself as such. but...what am i missing here?

Hi,

Your post is difficult to read as there is no structure to it, but I will try to reply based on what i've interpretted from it. AvPD is usually only part of the story with regard to people like her; and there is something more general that causes the AvPD to arise in the first place. For example, you coul have depression, and then this could eventually lead to social anxiety and then AvPD. AvPD never 'just' arises out of nowhere.

You will have to be patient with her though. For people like her, it can take a long time for them to come out of their 'shells'. Be aware too that paranoia is a strong feature of such a condition, and her thoughts rightnow might very well be that you dislike her. I think you should read up on things such as social anxiety and AvPD. You will learn more about her that way but, ultimately, remember to be patient. Not everyone is the same and for some - like her - the world is very much a scary place.

Kevin

fervent wrote:i posted very few. but,..avpd in general. on the other recieving end...relationships/friendships one with avpd one not with avpd...what should i do? obviously..i would like to know what goes on with avpd thinking. no offense. i mean...patience is a virtue! but, damn!!! i have feelings too!
i ain't being demanding! ?? but, man!!! how do i word this.....i got a pretty cool friend with avpd...i think just pretty awsome when we get to talk,. but yes...intimacy,..like just talking about personal stuf. (which makes a person pretty cool talking about themselves and oh my? same experiences)....total withdrawl day after we talk? or should i say ,email&text.? like a cool but like whaaaat i say? my friend wants to talk too, mostly when i noticed has a "martini"...but...the pain of the recieving end (me) of the withdrawl/ignore/undermind the reciever next day after???.....gets pretty old&painful to me.. i usually say "sorry". for what, i don't know?...but...usually a day or so after all this,...i make contact.. when i do...she happy. then,...the cycle starts again....
i think she's a cool friend!! but...it is going in circles.
i don't won't to loose her as a friend by any means!!! but,...the circles or getting tedious.
not that i am loosen interest in my friend,..i don't won't to present myself as such. but...what am i missing here?

thanx for your response kevin. very much appreciated!
sorry if i'm indirect,babbel.? let me try to be more direct.
we both know each, work with eachother,my avoidant friend and i for the past 5 years. i would say this past year we been "close". as in, daily talking seeing eachother at work. the past 6 months of the year, we have been really close. like speaking personal/sharing experiences, giving each other support. but,..mainly,..thru email&txt messaging.

prob recently, past 3 months of the recent 6 (i hope i'm not scattering,saying this correctly)....it has been a cycle where we talk via txt/email pretty cool...then....when see each other @ work, i am ignored or made to feel undermind? like she lashes out indirectly.??

i quite understand avpd. thanx for the tip however. i am trying to understand my friend. if i didn't give a rats azz, i don't think i would be posting this dilema? no offense.

i am patient. i am human too. i have feelings too. the mixed signals are really hurting to me.


my overall question: besides being patient,....what can make this relationship/friends agreeable to both partys?

when i reach out...it is cool! but...what i'm getting @ is the next day....i am made to feel like $#%^!

i give space,...i'm made to feel like $#%^ cause she thinks i'm not interesed. soo...on my part,..i get hurt alot.

5 years? - Okay, that is indeed a long time. However, there's a problem about that too. You see, it can take people like her and I a long time to feel comfortable around someone, but then the more comfortable we feel, the more our true nature emerges. What is the true nature I'm referring to? - Well, it's that we are shy, quiet, etc; and dont' really talk much. So, maybe what has happened is that she is so comfortable with you that she no longer feels the need to try to talk anymore. For example, after many years, I am finally feeling comfortable around my brother's wife, and I no longer feel the need to try to talk to her. It might sound a bit strange to you, but that's what I'm guess has happened in your situation.

Alternatively, she might actually be having a genuinely difficult time righ now and is ignoring everyone in her life. These things happen. Is there anything that happened which could have upset her?

Kevin

thanx kevin!!! makes perfect sense!! i really enjoy her company, short sessions we get to chat. even if txt/email,..she is just real! i just get frustrated and i need to get over it. it's just kinda hard. for me. just like today? we both were on easter holidays...back to work,..she made it a point to visit me. i happy. wanted to give her a big hug! she new this. i / we just gave each other a "high five". she looked nervous. i understood. i don't care. i don't care if she has avpd. i just wana go about my freindship right with her. she is the most sincere best person i met & can trust!

i was just soooo happy she acknowledged me!! the rest of the 11hrs,..i didn't see her. she didn't lash out either or undermind? mayb it's setn in for her a bit? trust me? we txt'd each aftr work. i enjoy. i'll be patient. i just really enjoy the contact she makes!! in time....i understand her situation. i think she is pretty cool! i may need ur help and or others on this forum though in future when i get frustrated.

she mentioned how she has an older brother like by 10yrs. her parents paid lots attention to him. as she was young. like when she 5-7yr old. she remembers. one time she mentioned real angry like about her immeadte family like this. i never brought the topic up again.

i see when i do not make contact....she kinda slips n an email. ?? i catch this as a sign,..then,..i brake in talking and we are both happy! it's the intamiacey. closeness,..she likes but yet avoids.

it's the ugly/mean-ness from her i can't take. after we had a "close" disscussion. that, really hurts me.

is there anything else i should do?? thanku,...Renee


i'm from America, so pleze bear with me! lol!

Heya,

I think that something you could try is to ask her where she would feel most comfortable going the next time you guys meet. A city center area/venue might be too anxiety-inducing for her. Something like a walk in a park might be better though. With less people around, she'd be likely to open up more again I think. That's certainly the way that I was with my exs. It was the reverse in those cases though, with me being the quiet one and m exs being talkative.

I don't think it'd be too bad to ask her if you can hug her too. Based on what she said about her family,. it could be that she has always felt left out and doesnt' feel loved. So, there might be elemehnts of that at play with yuo too. It's not about constantly telling her that you love/like her though - It's about her seeing you as someone she can trust.

Kevin

thanx Kevin!!! u pretty cool! i'll post more after weekend. i sure enjoy ur imput!!! i don't get on putr work...i too tired...but,...today,..we txt"d aftr work. i day off, she worked. txt is more comfortable for her. i work nxt 4 and she be the nxt 2. we txt nice . tommorow when we meet kinda scares me. i hope no angry stuf. that soooo wipes me out.

ur idea perfect!!! thanku!!

i be back! Renee

Your name is Renee? Parlez-vous français? Je parle français, et je parle espagnol aussi.

lol!! hi kevin!
i'm impressed? u speak French?! How awsome is that!!?? i don't any french...bumr..just my name. my madien name is scottish!! i think thats waaaay cool! this forum,esp twistermind&u,...i give alot of credit for helping me! thanku! excuse my wordn/spelln. i txt abrv alot like. i a txt freak! lol!
let me give a quick descript of myself. i am 39yr old,happily married by 16 going on 17years. my best friend was my mother whom died of cancer when i was 22 yr old. i miss the "heart to heart" talks. husbands r fine,..but, i miss that woman intuition,compaionship thing. husbands,..really don't wana hear mushy stuf. they can/will,..but,..an outsider point of view sometimes betr cause ya wana talk about ur husband mayb? lol! ..what i'm try'n to say,....it's hard to find good honest friends even when a challenge like for everyone! having avpd, i respect! thats a double challenge to find a trusting friend!

i myself am kinda a "loner". my husband says i'm waaay "indepedant". lol! prob cause i grew up play'n sports and am stil atheletic. i just depend on myself. i want to be close to "others" i can trust. but,..i don't trust many . i myself prob have a parinoa touch? lmoa! but...i'm ok? i think? my clostest people i like to talk to are older like 50+.
my avpd friend is my age 40yr. she is the bestest closest person i think i would pour my guts out to! i think she is just super cool! she has avpd. i don't know if she knows it? i don't care either way. i just wana hang out with her besides my husband and old fogies! lol!

i had a very nice time,kinda? this past weekend. thur&fri i met her @ work. brief meetings. we didn't get to chat. but,..txt"d aftr work each other. cool!
i think i kinda scared her friday? i had a #######5 noc's sleep thur. i really not a morning person. sooo,..i kinda crabby fri. i think she did try make contact with me fri morning? but saw the foul mood i in, sooo,..she really avoided me all day. bumr. made my weekend suck. !!! but today,...sunday,...i txtd her a simple "hi". we txtd all day pretty cool!! yeaaaaa!


u think there b a x she accept my personality and feel comfortable not thinking what/how i react will b about her? i mean...say like,....is there a time she won't think my actions are all about what she does?

to understand i like her as a friend and if i'm haven a bad day it's not anything she did? like a point she knows we are friends?

i hope i said this right?

Rene'e

any other's comments would b appreciated too.