An avoidant exboyfriend?? Looking 4 guidance....

bump: often the victims of avoidants can suffer just as much as the avoidant themselves.... it's no fun for us either

50ways - I strongly identify with avpd although i am not professionally diagnosed. The only real relationship I've had was with a guy with adhd & dyslexia, and it lasted over a year. If you'd like to PM me maybe I can offer some insight or at least an idea of the perspective from the other side.

I´m avoidant and if I was to live with someone as me, I´d runnaway. Sorry, but this is what I feel.

Asuka wrote:Lovestruck, perhaps it would be best if you created a thread about your dillemma. I deleted it last time as I had you mistaken for a troll...We've had alot of trolling on here lately.
But, by all means create a thread and explain the situation in depth.

I would but why "reinvent the wheel" so to speak? It's like lovedone said, we've experienced THE EXACT SAME THING. It's almost freaky how this type of personality disorder manifests itself so similarly....

I just wish I could get some advice from someone actually suffering from the disorder itself about how to communicate and behave around an avoidant to induce the least amount of anxiety.

Look at it from my point of view: the more you like someone, the more they try to hurt your feelings! (at least outwardly it seemed that way until i found out about AvPD) I could seriously use some help!

Wow this topic is confusing with all the new people with lovesomething usernames! First of all the OP's description of his/her boyfriend sounds pretty much exactly like AvPD...I can relate to the bf in a lot of ways. And starfish, I'm not usually this rude on the internets, but ###$ off!! Seriously what the hell? So somebody wants advice on how to help a boyfriend with some mental health issues and deal with their own feelings, and your response is to dump the poor defective bastard and go find yourself a real man? What are you even doing on psych forums anyways?

Also it's entirely possible for some high functioning and lucky avoidants to be in a romantic and sexual relationship. I'm sure it's not always easy, as my girlfriend would probably tell you. My advice would be just make extra sure your boyfriend knows you care about him and aren't going to leave him, and try not to say anything that could be misconstrued as an insult. You don't have to constantly walk on eggshells for the rest of your life, just try to remember that one of the traits of AvPD is "unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked" (emphasis mine).

Finally I would steer clear of talking about "victims of avoidants." Not so much because it's insulting but because it sounds like it was taken straight from Kantor's Distancing, and most avoidants will tell you that he has a very weak understanding of what AvPD actually is, so hearing you use that phrasing kind of grated on me a little bit. But it's not your fault Kantor's book is the only one ever written entirely on AvPD! Anyways like I said, being in a relationship with anyone having mental health issues isn't easy, but I think "victim" isn't a word you should use lightly.

Ohh haha I just realized most of this post is really old...no wonder I was so confused with all the usernames I didn't recognize popping up all of a sudden. And I just told a troll to ###$ off who hasn't even posted here in like 4 years. Starfish was a huge ######6 douchebag though!

THANK YOU hannnnaa! That was just the kind of support i was looking for.... I mean sheesh, I was starting to get the feeling that it was impossible to have a relationship with an avoidant.... I'll go easy on the "victim" terminology. I guess I just kinda got the hunch that the people who had replied earlier to my post didn't really think too awful much about AvPD's effect on others.

have to be certain of being liked eh?.... hmm... I guess I better start making things black and white, lol

oh and btw this is actually a guy trying to get an avoidant girl, lol... same story applies as the other folk in the earlier posts though