Am I avoidant?

Hi All! I've been lurking for a while and decided to post because I've recently started reading about AvPD after taking some on-line test about personality disorders, and yeah, I feel like I fit all the diagnostic criteria, unfortunately... but maybe fortunately because I've always felt that maybe I'm just a one off weirdo, too weird for therapy and totally alone like that in my weirdness :/

Anyway, I don't feel too happy in life, I'm 24, I don't have any friends and I've never been in a relationship. I mean I've always known a few people at school/work that I liked and talked too, did all the professional stuff with, but I would never let anyone too close to me, and the thought of going out with someone to a cinema, visiting my house, or meeting in any kind of non-work/school related situation is rather terrifying. I was always afraid that people would see the 'true' me and how I'm useless and empty inside and I will loose even those people I didn't feel too anxious to be around with. Anyway now I'm working, lost contact with those 2 people (!) I really liked from school times, so my social life is pretty much non-existent (except for my closest relatives … but still)

I really would like to have close friends but this anxiety and fear is making me feel it's too much of an effort, and right now I'm very tired and basically feel anger when someone tries to be friendly. I try to be nice to people but inside I'm all scared and tense, I know these feelings are irrational but I can't control it and I'm starting to feel like some kind of Pavlovs dog or something.

I have very low self-esteem and I try to be a perfectionist yet I'm also very self critical of myself. I feel like I'm running away from all the opportunities that life gives me just to avoid pain. I hate any kind of change in my life, and I've noticed that even when I did try to change something about myself/my life it didn't make me feel any happier .... when I was younger I thought that things would change for better when I go to new school/get a job/move to a different country, start living on my own but it never gets better - the same problems and fears come back and I feel like I'm stuck.

I daydream a lot, I mean all the time, daydreaming is the only thing that makes me feel alive, it's usually stuff related to movies/books, famous people (I love having idols and authorities in life, people who are loved and went far in life), popular science, very idealized relationships between people. I really don't daydream about 'myself' any more. I'm unable to. I usually see myself through a 'proxy' of a character I can relate to/want to be like. It's also depressing for me because I realized recently that my hobbies are basically a way to avoid pain of real life, and even things like my taste in movies reflect my fears.

Also, I have OCD, reading about it now I see I really had it bad when I was younger, it sort of got milder now, though I often get terrible thought of something happening, usually related to my fear of rejection/embarrassment/ and losing control over my life and I get so wrapped up in it that it's making me depressed. The worst thing is that sometimes those fears are a self fulfilling prophecy.

I hate going to doctors in general, don't think I have the strength to visit a psychologist, anyway just wanted to share some thoughts … Anyway does it sound AvPD? Or maybe something else I don't know about, I'd like to read more about it.
(sorry for my english btw..)

You are working? That's good anyway. When I was your age I wasn't even working. It sounds like you might have avpd. It's a lot of work to improve your life situation when you have avpd. You can read up on te principals of cognitave behavioral therapy without going to a psychologist. That may help.

magentasky wrote:Anyway now I'm working, lost contact with those 2 people (!) I really liked from school times, so my social life is pretty much non-existent (except for my closest relatives … but still)

I was like this... almost lost touch with my only friends from school but thank fvck one of them invited me out randomly after months of no contact and I worked my way back into the social group.

magentasky wrote:I have very low self-esteem and I try to be a perfectionist yet I'm also very self critical of myself. I feel like I'm running away from all the opportunities that life gives me just to avoid pain. I hate any kind of change in my life, and I've noticed that even when I did try to change something about myself/my life it didn't make me feel any happier .... when I was younger I thought that things would change for better when I go to new school/get a job/move to a different country, start living on my own but it never gets better - the same problems and fears come back and I feel like I'm stuck.

Same sh1t happens to me, it fvcking sucks man. People talk about going overseas, going to parties, going to clubs, etc but honestly I have the most fun when I'm either on the internet, playing video games or getting stoned. I reckon I could sit on the computer for most of my life and be content, I would seriously rather stay at home on the computer than travel the world for free, or go to some random party to socialise.

magentasky wrote:I daydream a lot, I mean all the time, daydreaming is the only thing that makes me feel alive, it's usually stuff related to movies/books, famous people (I love having idols and authorities in life, people who are loved and went far in life), popular science, very idealized relationships between people. I really don't daydream about 'myself' any more. I'm unable to. I usually see myself through a 'proxy' of a character I can relate to/want to be like. It's also depressing for me because I realized recently that my hobbies are basically a way to avoid pain of real life, and even things like my taste in movies reflect my fears.

Daydreaming seems to be a very AvPD thing... reality sucks. I haven't really daydreamed much recently because I'm keeping my mind occupied by reading stuff on the internet and playing games. But when I am daydreaming it is usually about relationships, or about some social event coming up (which I avoid if possible).

magentasky wrote:I hate going to doctors in general, don't think I have the strength to visit a psychologist, anyway just wanted to share some thoughts … Anyway does it sound AvPD? Or maybe something else I don't know about, I'd like to read more about it.
(sorry for my english btw..)

I don't think psychologists help really, unless you can find a specialised one. Do what Parador said and read up on CBT, it is said to help but I haven't had much success with it probably because I'm too fvcking lazy to do it properly or often enough.

By the way your english is fine.

Parador wrote:You are working? That's good anyway. When I was your age I wasn't even working. It sounds like you might have avpd. It's a lot of work to improve your life situation when you have avpd. You can read up on te principals of cognitave behavioral therapy without going to a psychologist. That may help.

Yup, it's my first job though and it's temporary with little contact with people or evaluation so I don't get stressed that much.
I finished uni, since I always thought good education and grades will help me have some control over my life, but I would really do anything. I'm not even searching for something better - I prefer the utterly boring/non-demanding job/simple physical work than something I actually love doing/was educated to do, but it would be too stressful because of contact with people or pressure.

I'll read about that therapy, thanks!

asphyx wrote:Same sh1t happens to me, it fvcking sucks man. People talk about going overseas, going to parties, going to clubs, etc but honestly I have the most fun when I'm either on the internet, playing video games or getting stoned. I reckon I could sit on the computer for most of my life and be content, I would seriously rather stay at home on the computer than travel the world for free, or go to some random party to socialise.

Yeah, I feel your pain! Internet is like my social life now, before I had a computer I used to read newspapers/listen to radio/watch TV all day … and I can be quite happy too when just left alone to my games, movies and Internet, but underneath do I feel like I'm wasting my life. I feel like everything is changing around me and I'm staying exactly the same.

Socialising is no fun for me as well, I've noticed I even hate things like eating in public places because it's seen as social thing... I also utterly hate parties and group events like that.

magentasky wrote:[
Yup, it's my first job though and it's temporary with little contact with people or evaluation so I don't get stressed that much.
I finished uni, since I always thought good education and grades will help me have some control over my life, but I would really do anything. I'm not even searching for something better - I prefer the utterly boring/non-demanding job/simple physical work than something I actually love doing/was educated to do, but it would be too stressful because of contact with people or pressure.

.

Ok - at least you have the first step down. Are there any activities that you enjoy? I made a few friends from a chess club - when i used to play chess. Like scrabble? Bridge? Bowling?