Like me

Hi everybody

I'm new to the forum and this is my first time posting after hours of reseaching online about personality disorders. I wasn't sure which one I fit into until I read about Avoidants.

I can't seem to make any connections with people. I have very few friends, and the ones I do have there is a level of comfort that is missing with them. I feel uncomfortable in one-on-one situations. If there are three of us in a social setting and one gets up to go somewhere for a short time, I get extremely anxious. My anxiety only goes down when that third person returns.

I'm getting really upset and frustrated with this because I see other people forming these great friendships with each other and I'm on the outside not really being able to get close to anyone. I haven't had a friendship I felt comfortable in since college and that was four years ago. I hate it because I can feel this tension and discomfort in other people when they are around me as well. I don't know what to do.

Does anyone else feel this way? I just wish I had someone to talk to who has these same feelings as I do. Is there anyone else like me?

Kyobo,

I can relate 100%. I have felt really close to one person in my entire life. I think I just have a hard time really trusting people so I can open up and be myself. It's a very lonely world. But I have found that when you find the right sort of people who can understand you, accept you (and perhaps have some similar issues themselves) that you might be amazed at what kind of friendships you can form. I think avoidants, when they do have friendships, have the best, deepest, most meaningful relationships possible, it's just a matter of finding the right people that you feel comfortable with. It has taken me most of my life to find just those few, but they are rewarding enough for me and make up for the "lack" in others ways.

Kyobo,
I can also relate to what you wrote, except that my anxiety kicks up when there is more than one person in a conversation - I can only handle interactions that are one-to-one...a third person appearing overwhelmes me, and I fear I won't be able to follow the conversation accurately...that I'll say something stupid and out of synch with the actual conversation. So I sit and smile, laugh, and nod at the (apparently) appropriate moments.
I have ADD and learning disorders as well, so I'm sure that figures in to my social difficulties.
Thanks!

I am okay on one-to-one, too, but when there are more people, my anxiety level goes up. Parties are a nightmare and I almost never go and if I do (only because I feel somehow obligated) it is usually torture. I feel really out of place because I don't know how to do chit chat. I am so easily distracted that I have a hard time following conversations, much less participating in them in any real way (except superficial/basic) responses. I feel like an idiot afterwards that I couldn't just relax for once and be my true self, but I am afraid to do that, for fear people won't understand me unless I give them the responses they expect. I feel very different than most people and always have - it is so hard to relate to them sometimes (that's why I avoid them). It seems no one understands this problem, but maybe that is because 75% of people are extroverts and LOVE socializing as much as they can. Go figure.

I feel anxious in groups because I'm the only quiet one, while everyone else is talking I just sit there. I feel pressured to talk, but when I start I feel like someone will interrupt me and what I say won't be as important. However, in one-on-one the person has to listen to me and acknowledge what I'm saying.

I can manage one-to-one conversations (which if nothing else is an improvement on 10 years ago). But any more people and my issues start to manifest themselves. At best, someone will dominate a conversation and I feel I have nothing to add. At worst, they'll notice I'm not saying anything and start to take the piss and exhort the others to join in. This has happened many times. In social situations I tend to drink too much the numb the anxiety. What I want is a badge that measures and displays my pulse rate so people can see just how anxious I am. Maybe they'll think differently then.

Anonymous wrote:I am okay on one-to-one, too, but when there are more people, my anxiety level goes up. Parties are a nightmare and I almost never go and if I do (only because I feel somehow obligated) it is usually torture. I feel really out of place because I don't know how to do chit chat. I am so easily distracted that I have a hard time following conversations, much less participating in them in any real way (except superficial/basic) responses. I feel like an idiot afterwards that I couldn't just relax for once and be my true self, but I am afraid to do that, for fear people won't understand me unless I give them the responses they expect. I feel very different than most people and always have - it is so hard to relate to them sometimes (that's why I avoid them). It seems no one understands this problem, but maybe that is because 75% of people are extroverts and LOVE socializing as much as they can. Go figure.

^ This about sums up how i am too.