AvPD + Oneitis = Torture

I've always had a one track mind more or less when it comes to females... I choose one and fantasize about them and hope I grow a set and act on my desires. Other girls don't matter to me in these situations. Lately I've been working around this girl I've known for a couple years now. I always wondered what it would be like to go out with her, but no heavy thought into the subject because there was always "that other girl ." Earlier in the fall after having a few conversations with her and having created some kind of connection with her I fell for her hook, line and sinker. It's pathetic. My motivation to get through every weekday for the last couple months was just to see her. I mean objectively she isn't amazing looking but our connection had me thinking Megan Fox was a dog by comparison. I even got the nerve to ask her out and by the grace of god she gave me her number. That day I had what can only be described as euphoria. I couldn't wipe the smile from my face or even think straight. Remaining congruent with the rest of my life story however, she flaked on me and I came crashing down with intense force. Her excuse seemed reasonable but their is a part of me that thought it was just that, an excuse. She did offer to go out at a later date but I'm not sure if that was just to ease the blow or not. I figured I'd wait it out to see if she reciprocated my interest, but she has yet to do so. She also seems pretty cold towards me lately as if I was suppose to continue to put myself on the line, though that is just what I tell myself.

Now that you have the backstory, I feel like I screwed myself over mentally. As long as I allow myself the slighest inkling of hope we could be something more that coworkers, I'll continue to have hopeful expectations going into work and depression upon leaving. I get extremely jealous when she talks to anyone even if they're unattractive women. I almost have a stalker mentality when it pertains to her as well though I refuse to act on these thoughts. It's a vicious pattern that's been going on for a while. I mean before the objects of my desire (usually girls from school) would eventually fade from my life and I'd get over them. This is like a reoccuring bad dream that I just want to put behind me but can't. I dug myself into an emotional hole and I swear I think I'm going borderline. It's like I need human interaction or else I'll just start thinking of her and what could've been. I get an intense fear of hopeless abandoment when I think of how much longer my life will be this way. I get anxiety over things I didn't before. The only thing good coming from this is it's made me more open to pursue friendships. On the other hand my mood swings are more frequent and my depression episodes are at an alltime high.

Well thanks for reading if you made it through. Just curious if anyone can offer feedback or has similar stories being avoidant. I know I'll get passed this situation with time and a lot of effort, but it scares me to think what mental state I'll be in if a girl I ever got serious with broke up with me.

Hey, man.

Yeah, I can relate to your story. The only difference is that I'm in college. There's this girl who actually hangs around with me in breaks. For two months, I've spent breaks alone. Needless to say, this attention has made me completely obsessed with this girl. I can't stop thinking about her. It's so pathetic as I barely know anything about her. I guess I'm so used to seeing myself as boring/unappealing and being alone, that as soon as anyone shows any interest, I don't know how to handle it. Another problem I have, though, is I'm sure that eventually she'll see how dull I am compared to everyone. I try not to be so negative, but I just can't help myself. I've got it into my head that everytime we've had a good conversation, it was a fluke, a one-off, etc. Eventually, there'll be a conversation with lots of silence because I've got nothing to say and she'll just stop hanging around with me. This oneitis mixed with the feeling that it's only temporary is pretty painful/depressing.

Anyway, I'm just rambling/venting now.

Sorry I couldn't offer any advice about how to get over it lol

I'm in college as well, but the girls I go to college with just don't seem interesting or attainable in my current situation... they're all about texting, facebook, and that kind of thing. They show interest in me and all but I'd have to live up to their image of a guy with connections so I don't bother.

I agree with what you said about the attention... I crave attention in a completely passive way. When I get it from an attractive girl she becomes the center of my world. When that attention is taken away or compromised I become a basket case.

Need4Weed wrote:I agree with what you said about the attention... I crave attention in a completely passive way. When I get it from an attractive girl she becomes the center of my world. When that attention is taken away or compromised I become a basket case.

Yeah man, I can definitely relate to this.
I feel like I'm in a dull, non-feeling state half of the time, but then whenever some girl gives me attention, I become excitable inside and anxious. My thoughts revolve around her a lot and I'm on cloud nine. It probably has something to do with thinking of someone/something else than me. But then in the midst of that I feel like nothing's gonna happen anyway because I'm shy and if we started talking nothing will happen etc. I'm just of a sensitive disposition. But hey I'm learning to find happiness and love without conditions, learning to feel good about myself without the need for girls' attention.
Maybe it will happen one day that I meet someone fantastic and we get on so good that the nervousness will dissipate. Maybe it won't. While destiny takes its course I'm not gonna obsess over it too much.

I don't have anything useful to offer to this discussion but I can also relate.

Need4Weed wrote:I dug myself into an emotional hole and I swear I think I'm going borderline. It's like I need human interaction or else I'll just start thinking of her and what could've been. I get an intense fear of hopeless abandoment when I think of how much longer my life will be this way. I get anxiety over things I didn't before. The only thing good coming from this is it's made me more open to pursue friendships. On the other hand my mood swings are more frequent and my depression episodes are at an alltime high.

Funny you should mention "going borderline" because that's exactly how I feel lately. I feel like the closer I get to people, the more unstable I become. As I overcome my fear of rejection, a fear of abandonment takes its place that is much more frightening than the fear of rejection.

I didn't realize how lonely I was/am until I made a real friend. I don't like to be aware of my neediness. I miss all of the lies I used to tell myself to ease the pain.