Do I have AVPD?

I'm new here but I've been reading the forums for sometime and I can relate to alot of you.

When I was a kid I went through alot of bullying and teasing all through school and my mother would often say things to me like I wished I never would of had you.
So during this time I only really had one friend and was usually unconfortable around people or in sociall situtations.

At about 15 years old after my parents divorced which my mother blamed me ( I'll never forget that) things seemed to get better after moving to a new place where nobody new me. I lost wieght, grew my hair long, (this was my heavy metal phase) and had lots of girlfriends, friends, although looking back now I realize most of them were just fairweather friends.

Well to make a long story short by 21 I started becoming more and more withdrawn and scared of people. Also my appearance got worse and found that people seemed to go out of there way to be rude to me for no reason. I am now 34 and have no friends, no relationships, I live with my mother who I take care of. I don't have a job and at this time and I don't think I could get one with my condition.

It's not that I hate people its just people seem to hate me, I know I'm not very goodlooking but do people really have to be so superficial? Its so bad now if I want to get groceries I usually wait until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning just to avoid as many people as possible. I never go out anymore, my house is my prison.

I've never been officially diagnosed but I do relate to alot of people here. How do I get out of this hell I'm in?

Suicide sounds like its the only option sometimes.

Anyway I was hoping to meet some people I could connect with on here, Thanks

Hi,

By coming here, you've shown that you have had enough of the way you've been living and that you want to change. ignore the concept of suicide for now, because you've a lot of work to do and a lot of battles to fight. Okay - look - you've come here for help right? That means that you still want to live, but only if your life changes; and change it must. You don't have to go grocery shoping so late. Try tackling this issue first. Tell yourself - right now - that you're going to go grocery shopping in the evening when it is busy, and that you don't care what others think of you. If you can manage to do this, then you'll have achieved something great/fantastic which you can build upon.

That's what it's about: Fighting/tackling one issue after another, but never more than one at the same time.

Kevin

Thanks for the reply. There are times when I have to be around in public, like last week I had to take my dog to the vet, the whole time I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. Plus the way seats are you have to face everybody.

What makes it hard to is not having anybody around to say you're okay, my family really doesn't seem to give a s##t.

I noticed that you are looking after your mother now. It looks like you never had a good relationship with her. How is that affecting your condition now? It can be horribly draining taking care of someone. I know. I took care of my father in the last 10 years of his life.

It can be a real pain sometimes but I do love her. It was mostly when I was a kid she was very verbally abusive and like I said when my parents divorced she accused me of it being my fault.

I was always in trouble in school and just before they divorced I was arrested in school for pot, so I think she was looking for someone to blame.

After the divorce she got together with my Uncle and pretty much abandoned me and my sister, I had alot of anger about this and the embarrassment of her being with my Dads brother.

My Uncle died about 4 years ago and I moved in to take care of my Mother and be the handyman around the house.

your mum is probably only acting the way she was brought up herself, its not her fault. my mum can be pretty unhelpful and negative sometimes and ive just learnt to just ignore it and get on with my own things but she had a really tough time with her own parents, i think worse than me, so its not right to blame her but also im not going to worry about her problems and (sometimes) negativity either you cant sort someones problems out for them they can only do that themselfs. ah sorry about that ramble there...
anyway, you have to FIGHT it, theres no other options, start taking your life back. if you can have girlfreinds and freinds when you were 15 then you can have them now your the same person.

Ya she was abused, her real dad died when she was only about 5 and her mother married a guy involved in the mafia ( a real a-hole) and this was in the 50's back when nobody talked about domestic violience or sexual abuse.

I do try to be understanding but there are still times when the old feelings come up.

Alright. If your relationship with your mother is good now then you can stay with her. Now you have to find some way to get out of the house and make yourself feel useful. is there a local hospital? If there is that would be a good place to do some volunteer work. You can do just a few hours a week. Hopefully you will get used to it and get more hours eventually. Then maybe you would be in good enough shape for a part time job. Baby steps - that's the key.

I have thought about doing volenteer work but the first thing is getting over this panic attack s##t.

It does help knowing there is other people with the same problems. It would be nice if there was some sort of support group, of coarse I wonder how many would show up with AVPD.

I also need to cut alcohol out of my life, I use it mainly to help me sleep and cope with my screwed up life, not for socializing.
I always drink alone, isn't that a song?

It's a great song. George Thorogood. It's not so good in real life though.

I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.

Now, every morning, just before breakfast,
I don't want no coffee or tea.
Just me and my good buddy Weiser.
That's all I ever need.

Cause I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.

Now, the other night I lay sleeping,
And I woke from a terrible dream.
So I called up my pal, Jack Daniels,
And his partner Jimmy Beam.

And we drank alone, yeah, with nobody else.
We drank alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.

Well, the other night I got invited to a party,
But I stayed home instead.
Just me and my pal Johnny Walker,
And his brothers Black and Red.

And we drank alone, yeah, with nobody else.
We drank alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.

Well, my whole family done give up on me,
And it makes me feel so bad.
The only one who'll hang out with me
Is my dear old Granddad.

And we drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
We drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.

Have you tried biofeedback to control the panic attacks? There are herbs that might help - passionflower and lemon balm are siad to have some effect. Some also say 5-HTP may help. I found tryptophan helped me sleep years ago when I had a problem.