Coming to terms with my life.

Yeah so it's been a while since I spent a full day hanging around peers... first time since I found out about APD. Yesterday morning I had no weed and was going through some serious withdrawals... mild headache, cold, jittery, hopeless... I had to call my dealer, and in order to do that I had to "come to terms with my life" aka facing a fate worse than death... sounds a bit dramatic but I'm sure you guys understand. A few random thoughts that you guys may or may not find interesting...

This forum and the people on it were in the back of my mind the whole time... like a little army in my head letting me know the feelings I'm having are relatively normal, and I'm not alone... I hope the rest of you can feel the same when facing your own demons. I'M WITH YOU!

Throughout the day the social interactions were much the same as they had always been in my passed... feeling out of place and bombarded by self-criticism... each time I'd say to myself "Oh, that's APD... just move passed it, they do"

At the start of the "meeting" I felt talkative in the topics I could relate to. This is usually how I always am... then new kids enter the mix, mostly whom I can't relate to, don't like and can't see how I could. I start to feel mentally drained and have a strong sense of boredom and anxiety, especially when the main topics center around social interactions (ex. passed parties, he said/she said, confrontations) that I'm not apart of. What can you concievably contribute to these topics? I felt like if I said something I'd get ignored or a "You weren't there so you don't know." I certainly don't want to feel like an interviewer trying to get up to speed, and I honestly couldn't care anyway. I noticed my mind CAN come up with things to say, but they are typically cynical/sarcastic... I noticed I don't fear confrontation as much as I do "going against the grain" so I said nothing and laughed mostly. When this happens I find it extremely difficult to keep up when someone says something to me or a topic I can relate to presents itself... I feel like a zombie. I was pretty uptight and APD'd out by the end of the night, though I wasn't as bothered by it after the fact.

I think next time I want to chase after the criticism... I want to crave it and feed off it. If I subconsiously realize it can do nothing to me hopefully I can be purged of this pattern of behavior and thought.

That is kind of impressive that you weren't bothered by it after the fact. I beat myself up over every social interaction I have for days and weeks and if it's bad years afterwards, thinking about $#%^ I should have said and why I looked like an idiot. Of course all this analyzing doesn't help me for $#%^ when it comes to next time.

Seeking criticism sounds dangerous... that could really backfire I think.

Yeah, perhaps I was just talking out my ass with the seeking criticism thing... but objectionalizing my feelings as I went helped me somewhat.

I could never seek out criticism. It's really hard to take.

Parador wrote:I could never seek out criticism. It's really hard to take.

Same here, I'd prefer if everyone kept their opinion to themselves.

In a way, I seek out criticism. Most of it I can just laugh off, but some stuff cuts right through me, but that is a huge motivator for me. Sometimes it hurts at first, but I'll get over it, and will come out stronger. Criticism just gives me a reason to fight through everything even harder.

I don't see how someone can rightfully critisize you unless they've walked in your shoes, so to speak. That's the thing that gets me about most critics. Like in my job. That can be a big one. I run a food service operation and people seem to think prices should be really low. They have NO idea bout the economics of running a place. They've never done it and they still think I should sell food at cost. The other thing really low prices do is atrtract TOO many customers. It's a LOT of work feeding people.

Parador wrote:I don't see how someone can rightfully critisize you unless they've walked in your shoes, so to speak.

Agreed. I don't know about any of you, but it's the compliments (though rarely given) that piss me off the most. It makes me feel like people are taking pity on me or being sarcastic.

I also think most compliments aren't sincere. I'm usually thinking "you don't think that, your just ######6 with me. it's all a joke to you"

Pity though, I don't get what everyone has against pity. I don't mind someone pitying me. What is the difference between pity and sympathy? If someone recognizes that you are in pain and they feel anything at all because of it that is a good thing right? It's compassion.

I suppose you're right, but I just can't get over the feeling that people having sympathy for me is wrong. Kinda like I don't deserve it because I'm worthless maybe. I don't know.