same old $#%^...

I've been doing really well lately, but my same old problems have been creeping in. At regular intervals my friends would lose interest in shy and boring me, and I'd have to start all over again. I change friends like I change clothes, not accumulate them like normal people. So while I have a decent number of people I've called friends during my life, the current number is extremely low and dwindling. And I feel like I'm drifting away from all of them again.

The person I would consider my closest friend doesn't see me that way. I know she likes me, in fact there's a running joke that she wants to steal me from my girlfriend (even though she's straight) and she's called me the introverted, gay version of herself. I got her a job for the holidays where I work, selfishly, so I could see with her more, but other than that she's always hanging out with her best friend or her guy friends. I know it's kinda creep to put someone on a pedestal like that, especially on a website that she doesn't know exists, but she's one of the very few people I can talk to completely freely and that's a huge ######6 deal for me.

The other person I felt like I could talk to that way is a guy I work with...ironically he and the friend I mentioned are perfectly attuned to the same wavelength and understand all the same cultural references that I'm ignorant about. Now I feel ignored at work by the cool kids the way I did in high school. And when me and this guy are alone lately our conversations have been strained, like we've run out of things to talk about. And again I know he likes me because he calls me his lieutenant and always talks about how smart and awesome I am (although I have a feeling that's partly due to the elementary school teacher mentality that quiet means smart).

It occurs to me that it's unlikely I'll ever make a friend again. It gets harder and harder after you're not in school anymore (community college doesn't really count). I plan to travel a lot more in the near future but I've never been able to stay in contact with the people from all my various former lives in various locations. The difference now from in high school is that I have a girlfriend and so I feel horrible for thinking any of this, like she should be all I need. Especially when she almost died a few months ago and now that she's getting better and I've made so many plans for us, I feel like I've been high on optimism. Apparently it's a dangerous drug because I'm coming down hard.

I have a total of 3-4 really good friends. They all have lives, jobs that keep them busy all day, significant others, etc. No room for me. I can empathize.

One of my friends is in a serious relationship. I don't hate his girlfriend except that he spends all of his time with her. He and I can't do anything unless she's there. Two other friends are consumed by work. One other lives far, far away and has an exciting, happy life that I feel is sometimes poisoned by me.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a social life outside of a romantic relationship. I feel it's important to, in fact. Does your girlfriend share your optimism?

Somewhat...I've kind of been going into overdrive trying to do amazing things to make her happy and it's been making me feel good in the process. Anything to squash the feeling of complete helplessness that I can't make her pain go away or somehow go back and undo the night she got hit by a car. I know she's happy with the things I've done but obviously not so optimistic about the fact that she can't find a job or do the things she used to do before she learns to use her body all over again.