New here - Intro

Hello, I have not been diagnosed with AvPD. I just heard about it for the first time a couple days ago when I took some quiz. I scored very high for AvPD. So, I started to do some research and found this forum. I understand that I can't use a quiz to diagnose myself. I have been thinking about talking to the therapist (again) for some time and maybe this will be the motivation.

For years I have tried to figure out what was going on with me. I have taken anti depressants, but they didn't solve all the issues I have. I have taken anti anxiety meds with the same result. I have looked into just about every medical illness that could cause my issues. I actually found a couple of things that I think made things a lot worse for me due to having issues with fatigue. I am feeling better physically. But, I still have the same root problems.

What are those problems? Well, I have no friends. It's been years since I had a good friend. Once out of high school I just found I could not bond with anyone. I have a hard time talking with people. My mind just goes blank. When I do talk I feel as if I say the stupidest things and so I am not at ease and have no conversational flow. I really have always been this way all through school. I am not sure how I managed to do ok in H.S. I think I just got lucky and found a couple good people who carried me through. I am super sensitive to criticism. I have a huge fear of rejection and push people away if they get too close. I have low self esteem. I remember every slight with great detail. I feel flawed about myself and everything I do.

Growing up, my brother and I were raised by our mother. She is emotionally distant. No hugs, no "I love you", lots of criticism. My brother ridiculed me to no end. Taking things I said once in kindergarten and hassling me about them up until I was an adult, calling me names, calling me stupid, making fun of my appearance. In school I was also ridiculed. I never got new clothing, was never told how to take care of my hygiene properly, so as I kid I didn't do this as often as I should, I had to wash my own clothing, so they were often dirty, and I was painfully shy. I did have a few friends, but mostly I was the odd one out in a very small school in a small town.

Now days, getting through everyday is a struggle. I get up and have plans of things to do and then I don't do them. I don't go to the grocery store because the clerks there are starting to recognize me. I don't go to places where I might risk having a conversation with someone. I don't make phone calls because I hate phones and have a hard time talking to people when I can't read them.

I am female, in my 30's married, and we have a child. My child really has actually helped me a lot. I take her to programs and I can get out of the house without really being social with people. I worry about how my avoidant personality will affect her. I try very hard to do the best I can for her. If not socially then in all other ways possible.

I go through periods where I can pull myself out of my avoidant behavior for a while, so I don't know if this is really me. But, after a short while I get overwhelmed and end up back to my avoidant ways. I have started and dropped out of college at least a half a dozen times. I have always switched jobs or quit when things got too overwhelming for me. I am trying now to figure out some work I could do.

Well, thanks for your time. Again, I am not sure this is me or not yet, but I appreciate having a place to share my experiences with those who might be able to relate a little.

Hey glassperse, welcome to the forums.
Many things you write sound familiar although being married and having a child is far far away for me. But I also have one life domain (academics) that works quite well.
I funnily overcame my phone anxiety by working in a call center for some time (it was horrible, but I needed the money). I still hate private phone calls, but calling an office or something is ok now.

sounds like me in exactly every way, even married and have a daughter. Both my parents are still together but my dad works in the oil field, and is gone weeks at a time, my mom didnt work, but neither of my parents were ever really 'loving' i guess i would say, never got a hug, never was told they loved me. Had very few friends throughout my entire life, i have not spoken to any of them in 5-7 years. All throughout school i was picked on and bullied, would have other kids beat me up all the time on the way to and from school. back when i was younger my parents didnt have much money, so i never really had new clothes either, always wore the same stuff, or wore my brothers clothes which was way to big for me. i had very poor hygiene, extremely shy to the point where i wouldn't talk to anyone at school, by all the other kids through jr high and high school i was known as 'Silent Bob' because i would never tell anyone my name. i refused to read book passages aloud, i refused to do any kind of 'group' activities. I was sent to the school counselors all the time they always tried to talk to me, and get me to tell them my parents abused me or some junk. they eventually gave up, and just let me be, and for the first few weeks of school would just make me wear a name tag because i would never tell my new teachers my name ect... even now ive been outa school for years, i still cannot make myself have any kind of friendship with anyone, i hate talking to 'new' people, i avoid people like the plague. i take the stairs, instead of the elevator, i will take the long routes just to avoid having interactions with people. I rarely leave my house other then for work, or the grocery store which i still struggle with on a daily basis, but i guess i do them because i have no other choice. ive been married for 4 years, been with my wife for a total around 10 years. And really im surprised im even married, or have had a relationship with her all this time. She of course obviously had to approach me, and even at first i wouldnt even talk to her. it took me years to get to the point where i feel that i have somewhat of a relationship with her, however its always been a bit strained as i seem to distance myself. As for my daughter pretty much in the same boat there as well, i dont want to pass on my 'avoidance' to her, but i have a feeling the damage is already done. She is 3, and if anyone talks to her she tries to hide, it takes her awhile to warm up to people, but eventually she will talk, and laugh and play, but it takes her quiet a while to get to that point. I have no friends or anything, neither does my wife, so our daughter never really had much socializing with other kids, 3-4 months ago we put her in daycare, and she would always cry and bawl when we would drop her off, she would say she wouldn't want to go. But just within the last 2 weeks, she seems to actually want to go, seems she even made a new friend up there, she talks about her friend all the time, asking where she is ect.. makes me feel a bit better about the situation, but i still fear i may make her the same as me. As i said my parents never really showed they loved me, and i always see myself doing the same, i have to force myself to tell her that i love her, and force myself to hug her as well, because i dont want her growing up and feeling the same way as i feel about my parents.