I have avpd?

Don't be so hard on your self. You are in no way different to majority of people here. I read your first post and I can swear that I could sign it myself (except for the photo thing as I found a way to keep a fake smile and look at the camera with my eyes open). And I can tell you, whenever I go to see a gp or a psychiatrist I shake and tremble as mad and avoid real issues. But you must try to solve this BIG problem in your life and seeing a professional is in my opinion a best way (although most of them have been bad in my experience, but you must keep trying). I don't know what would be the best advice to make you less anxious with doctors - I just make an appointment, turn off my brain and let my legs take me there.

I hate living, I didn't ask for it and I'm tired of it.

I'm not about to commit suicide. I've thought about it, a lot, but I can't do it. Not only because I don't want the pain that will inevitably accompany doing it, but also because I have a mother and pets who all depend on me.

I feel like this too. I feel like i cant continue to live but i also cant die. I feel stuck. I wish i could escape it all.

z, get outta my head...