What's Your Attachment Style?

Actually, I think one of the articles mentions that avoidant types are attracted to preoccupied types but not avoidant types.

Knowing me, I'd probably feel so bad that I'd try to talk to the person anyway. Many times I've wondered if I'd confused pity with love when it came to my friend. Also, he was very cute and seemed very interested at first, which sounds opposite of how you behaved (i.e., cold at first then warmed). I just don't get him. Perhaps the challenge was attractive also?

Preoccupied types are attractive. You know why? They're usually charmers, hahahaha. And they give lots of affection and attention, appealing to about anyone. Also they are often outgoing and pull everyone out of their shells. Two shy, quiet people are not likely to speak to each other in the first place, much less be very open and warm like a chatty person.


Ex was always frustrated by my distantness, but he was pretty pleased when his efforts started to pay off. (Me going cold-warmer). You can see how the challenge would be attractive.... it should feel like an accomplishment after winning over someone who was being hard to get. Stuff like that actually seemed to give him ego-boosts, one of the reasons why denying him the 'reward' was so amusing for me. xD

It sounds like your friend's self-esteem problems just took over.... And then maybe he started finding other reasons to drive off the relationship?
Or, like, maybe he felt like he was giving you the heart we're all so protective of and started feeling rebellious? So he started pushing you away, even through abusive means? I dunno. We are very afraid of getting burned. Maybe he felt like you might do it at some point (even subconsciously thinking it) so he felt angry and started pushing you off and hurting you before you could do the same to him. I'd feel rebelliously defensive at times, too, one of the reasons for all my coldness. Even if there wasn't any reason going on to feel angrily protective like that.

Actually, that makes sense to me about his sudden change of attitude, and giving you all the treatment he didn't want. Doing it to you before you could do it to him?

I had to quit halfway through it. I can't honestly answer questions about my experiences with a romantic partner, I've always been single.

Which is probably good, I don't need any more negative self-validation. (lol)

I got 4.44 anxiety, and 1.64 avoidance. I fall in the Preoccupied region.

Nick wrote:I had to quit halfway through it. I can't honestly answer questions about my experiences with a romantic partner, I've always been single.

Which is probably good, I don't need any more negative self-validation. (lol)

Haha, that is exactly what happened to me. All of the questions were about romantic partners, something I've never been even close to having. I know from the description given above that I'm of the fearful avoidant type, most, if not all, the avoidants here probably are.

I got "preoccupied"...according to wikipedia:

Anxious-preoccupied attachment

People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners—a condition colloquially termed clinginess. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. They also have less positive views about their partners because they do not trust in people's good intentions. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may experience high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.

That sounds a lot like me, based on my relationship with my girlfriend of almost 2 years. She's the only person I'm close to so I can be clingy yet push her away at the same time. A lot of the time I dump my emotional $#%^ and crazy outbursts on her because she's the only person I'm totally comfortable around, so I let all my anger out on her and then beg her not to leave because I couldn't live without her. I'm sure underneath it all is my complete lack of self worth and disbelief that anyone could love me or that I deserve that love in the first place.

Edit because I didn't read the topic before I posted this: I'm not outgoing by any means, my girlfriend started out pursuing me while I tried to play it cool in my effort not to attach myself to the first person that showed an interest in me because I'd done that once before and it was a disaster. I'm sure she'd agree that I've come a long way in opening myself up to her, if not to the rest of the world.

I'm not trying to make my relationship sound horrible because it's not...this is just where a lot of our problems come from when we have them.

You know, I find it interesting that most of the avoidant females on this forum have had relationships in the past, while the guys seem to not be so lucky. I wonder why...?

hannnnaa

Hey, I know exactly what you mean! My gf pursued me before anyone else had a chance to get to me. I don't know what she saw that she had to have in me but she stuck to my side like superglue when we first met.
The thing that I remember was having so much fun doing what I loved to do, acting, that it must have drawn people to me. I was surrounded by models, actors, singers, and dancers in a talent convention, and I suppose that most of the other people in there were in intimidated by me. She snuck in underneath my "force shield" of confidence and playfully nudged me like two rambunctious bffs in class. I saw how darling she was and played back with her but had no idea that I would be falling for her in less than six months.
I approached my interaction with her in a solely sympathetic manner, as she had been going through a tough time after having broken up with her bf. I expected nothing from her other than a fun time while we were at the talent convention. For that entire week she followed me everywhere as I went to different meetings; sort of like my own "groupie" lol. I humored her and let her pursue me and interacted with her to let her feel better about herself. At the end of the week, while on an outing with her and her family, I fell for her.
I couldn't figure out what happened. She seemed to have snuck up on me (she is a Pisces).
I truly am highly emotional and responsive to her in our relationship, yet it can be tough as it is a long distance relationship (soon to change though). I have waited for her, in this long distance, for four years. When she reciprocated her feelings for me, after losing them when we went our separate ways, it gave me more incentive to wait that much longer for her. I found I couldn't control what my heart said about her and it wanted to be with her forever.
Regardless of the risks (and I have been through a lot of them) my heart is crazy enough to move forward with her, and that is what I am doing, even in the face of destruction. YEAH! I am a lunatic. lol

Hey, Hana
I'm glad your girlfriend is so patient with you. It's not easy being so.... pardon me, but unbalanced. You know we are! I think I could take another person breaking down or exploding, so long as they aren't taking it out on me (abuse).

I can't rant or express woes off to others. It makes me feel pathetic. Low self-esteem. If I do let off anything, that means it was *really* getting at me.

Not surprising you started off distant and then went preoccupied. I started doing the same in some ways. When you finally find someone can love and trust, you don't want to let them go, so you should start feeling kind of clingy. I'd alternate between the two things (feeling clingy and then nervously distant), depending on what was bothering me.


Ikari: Yeah.... Just noticed, too.... It seems like there are more guys here than girls, that could have something to do with it? Lol, but still, the concetration of girls who have had relationships over guys. It seems like most AvPD girls here sort of do more.... like go to school or hold jobs.
And society tends to be less judgemental towards women not working or anything else, because that was how it was not so long ago. A girl not working is more accpeptable than a guy in the same position, for example. It doesn't mar a female's attractiveness as a mate as much as it would a guy.

Eh, or it could just be the people on this forum?

/Blah
I hope Mushed comes back. I thought I was on to something with her friend!

Ikari Shinji wrote:You know, I find it interesting that most of the avoidant females on this forum have had relationships in the past, while the guys seem to not be so lucky. I wonder why...?

I think it's just the way relationships work. Traditionally it is the male that is suposed to approach the female when starting a relationship. A shy withdrawn female will occasionally have random men hit on them, while thats not going to happen with a shy withdrawn male unless he is exceptionally attractive.