Parties?

Does anyone else hate parties?

I don't hate them in general. Besides my boyfriend, I have two close friends. I am not likely to get too bent out of shape about attending their (infrequent) parties, because I know there will be at least a few people there that I already know well, or at least people that they know who are cool and friendly, and I can probably get drunk enough to be comfortable carrying on a conversation and "schmoozing."
However, my boyfriend is less avoidant and untrusting than I am, and he often is invited to parties, which I feel obligated to attend because he is a little bit shy and I feel bad making him go by himself, even though he is willing. These parties usually seem to be filled with people who are either strangers or whom I barely know. This is not bad in itself except that I don't trust myself to hold a conversation, and I am avoidant of even introducing myself to new people because I know that just after the introduction, we will have to make small talk about something or other, and I am never sure if I can cope, no matter how many drinks I've had.
I generally don't trust people, and I believe it is a result of my Dad applying corporal punishment liberally (and unpredictably) when I was little - I'm 25 now - and also as a result of having some bad experiences in highschool with one of my few close friends betraying me. I assume that when I have a conversation with someone, eventually they are going to see what a loser I am and reject me.
When I'm in the situation of being in the middle of a loud party packed with people (distractions) on all sides, most of whom are drunker than me, more sociable than me, and all know each other, it's even harder to concentrate on what the other person is saying. And listening/concentrating is key to holding a conversation because you can't respond to the person in an interesting way unless you have heard/understood what they are saying.
Even when a conversation is going well, I tend to monopolize that person rather than taking the "risk" of excusing myself to meet other people. Which usually leads to them politely excusing themselves after a while.
Sometimes, if I stick it out long enough, I can start to relax and be more sociable, stay longer, and actually have a good time. But usually I just end up leaving early. It sucks because I miss out on meeting people, having cool conversations, and having a good time in the way that you can only with other people's company.
Basically I think the "cure" is to "suck it up" and force myself to meet as many people as possible at the parties I go to, and maybe over time it will come easier - as I have more conversations, maybe I'll start seeing people not as potential rejectors, but as fascinating individuals, all of whom I can learn from.

I'm not terrified of places with groups of people, per se. For instance, I can go to live music shows with no problem. I can talk to people I know or even meet new people (more rarely), because I'm not "there to socialize" - I can pretend I'm there to see the music, whether I'm into the band or not. It's the parties, where social interaction is the only focal point, that frighten me. I remember I used to go to raves often and take ecstasy. Ecstasy was a wonder drug for me because not only did it get rid of my shyness, it made me actively seek out strangers to talk to, and I found each person fascinating and valuable before I even struck up any conversation. I don't use it now, and I don't reccomend it, because 1. it's expensive on my income, 2. it's dangerous, you never really know what's in it, 3. you will be sociable at the party, but when you have come down and you meet the person some other time, they will see what you're really like, and 4. I always, and still do, have the feeling that I could be like that without drugs...somehow.

What about other people on this forum: if you actually get out to parties, what is your experience? How do you deal with this bombardment of social stimuli and "pressure"?

I honestly dislike parties. Like you say, the social factor is the main theme of these events. The booze may loosen me up a bit but I can't help but still feel the anxiety and self-consciousness lingering about.

Rationally, yes, these events are a way to meet new people. What kind of new people is another thing. Then you have the influence of alcohol or drugs and you have to ask yourself are these people actually this fun (or terrible) in another setting. After all, like you said, ecstasy seemed to make you let go of some inhibitions, and I know that I'm quite different when I've had some alcohol or pot before or during these things.

I know that the people I meet at these parties (which I rarely go to anyway) can be perhaps fun, but not the kind that lasts for a real friendship. It's that entertainment that lasts only until the party's over.

Ofcourse that's me. If you find that you do meet people you can connect with and it's simply the avpd or whatever that's the obstacle, then I guess go for it. But if you don't, then I would suggest not to force yourself to.

As I've said before, I've never been to a party I didn't want to leave. I usually have little in common with anyone there, and even if I do, out incompatible personalities tend to annoy each of us.

I've found it's best not to go.

i've never actually been to a party, probably never will. never been invited to one either.
ah well i dont drink anyway.

Heh. Typhoon, you have a good point. A lot of the people I meet at parties seem like nice people I could pursue a friendship with, but an equal amount seem like teenager-y buffoons. I guess it's the atmosphere, the purpose of parties. People get together and try to forget their problems and numb their anxieties by drinking. One of the reasons I resent parties is that I do have to drink to be comfortable. Introverts are not, or don't seem to be, welcome at parties.
Also, I agree that it's not likely that you will do anything with anyone cool you might meet at a party, past the party. At the most, they will become a warm acquaintance. You have to go out quite often and see these people often to actually make that leap to trusting them enough so that they are your "friend" and you can do "friendly" things with them, such as reveal your vulnerability, provide and receive support, and have "deep conversations."
Basically what I'm trying to say is that you can have short-term fun with people you click with at parties, but if you're looking for more than that, you may be out of luck.

I remember when I first started drinking it was ######6 amazing, it was like my avoidance completely lifted for the first time like a curtain being pulled back, and everything made sense and I understood other people and they understood me. For some reason I just don't get that anymore and I'm not sure if it's a mental or a physical or just a situational problem. Usually alcohol just makes me sleepy, especially beer, and when I do get drunk I just act stupid. At least I don't usually cry anymore, I went through a period when I just could not get drunk without ending up in tears, no matter what happened something would end up causing it.

Even with drinking, parties were never really my thing. I would usually stick to talking to a small group of people and I'd be fine with that. Now I try to avoid them, but this topic is making me want to try it again! Maybe I just need like a week's vacation from work and school to rest my body and mind, and some liquor!

(When my friends are having a party with drinking and I want to have a good time without getting sleepy I take my girlfriend's adderall, which makes me good at whatever I happen to be doing, including talking to other people. But I feel like I'm cheating and I want to go back to just alcohol being enough!)

Yeah, I find it easier just talking to a few people too. But if it's a group of 4+ people, or a whole room full of people, forget it.
Of course, it depends on the people, and the situation.

From what I've experienced, I think the problem is that if by luck of the draw you do end up getting along with some people and find them fun or interesting at these parties, the way to interact with them is only by going to these events (parties, pubs, etc). For me, I honestly dislike these settings because the drinking is a massive part of it (especially here in Scotland...) and the large amounts of groups that end up being invited. So I may force myself to go to meet people and then hopefully form a friendship outside of the pub. But these people seem to love to hop around in these places and when they want to meet with friends or whatever this is the place that they want to go.

What happened to just getting some coffee in the afternoon, or spending some time just sitting and talking, watching a movie; mundane things that don't end up in a migrane and nausea the next day?

I'm losing faith by the day in finding these people

emotionaltyphoon wrote:What happened to just getting some coffee in the afternoon, or spending some time just sitting and talking, watching a movie; mundane things that don't end up in a migrane and nausea the next day?

I'm losing faith by the day in finding these people

Well, those people exist, but they are introverts. Extroverts have a lot of friends because extroverts are easy to find and go in places with the direct goal of being "found".

It is said that people like yourself are as easy to find as you are. Do you consider yourself easy to find? What are the chances of somebody similar to you to end up finding you?

I've never had any fun in an organized "planned" party either in my family, my job, etc... with people I'm not close to. I only keep looking for the best way to get out of there as early as possible without being rude.

I really had more the time of my life at litttle improvised GTs with the small group I hang out with everyday at my current and past jobs. We go to a random bar after job thinking of staying just an hour and we end up getting out of there really drunk after the whole evening. Too bad those occasions are really rare...