Rock bottom?

I don't know, maybe rock bottom is an exaggeration, but if it gets any worse than I've been feeling for the past month... I'm not sure I could handle it.

I've been seeing a guy for about six months. I'm not going to call it a relationship because it really wasn't... to be blunt, it was friends with benefits, but because I'm so inexperienced socially I fell for him. He is the first guy I'd ever slept with, eight years older than me, and a psych student. (He's the one that diagnosed me with AVPD initially.) He impressed me at first by not giving up when I ignored him. I hate the phone, but he called anyway. I avoided him, but he found me anyway. And I grew to like him, and then to like him a LOT. We became really good friends. I have this way of picking up the interests of those people that I'm into, so I let him draw me into MMORPGs - City of Heroes, and World of Warcraft. (I'm a sucker for anything that lets me live out someone else's life, so even if I never talk to The Boy again, I don't think I'll stop playing the games.)

So - six months, first lover, I kind of got dependant. I was easy to pretend I was the only person in his life, because the only person I had to 'share' him with lives ten hours away. Except that he'd go visit her on long weekends and university breaks, and apparently she was what he really wanted because a couple of weeks ago he told me first that he'd been sleeping with her, and then a day or two later that he wanted to try a relationship... with her.

I was absolutely gutted. After a week of anxiety to the point of literally not being able to eat a thing without being sick as soon as I thought of him (I actually lost 10 lbs) I went to the counseling center on campus. I'd tried it once before at The Boy's insistance, but I ended up being so nervous and embarrassed that I gave the therapist the impression that things were much better than they really were, so she'd tell me I didn't need to be there. This time I don't think I could have bs'd the lady if I'd tried. I was weak, shaky, a complete mess. I'm not into self-harm, but I had a spot on my wrist that was almost bleeding from nervous fidgeting. I met with her twice that week, once the week after, and then once this week. Sitting here, I can't look back and think of any specific thing she did that made me feel better... but I still felt better when I left her office.

The therapist tried to make me explain what it was that had me so upset. The Boy is kind of a jerk, he's not someone I think I should be with long term, but it's taken me 22 years to find ANYONE that could put up with me and my weirdness, much less someone that actually has things in common with me. I don't think it'll happen again soon. I'm not ugly, I'm not stupid, but I'm also not NORMAL, and I think I'll probably be alone for a long time because of it. I don't want to be alone. On top of that are the 'what if's - the 'what did I do wrong' and 'what does she have that I don't' and 'maybe if I were different, he'd feel more' and those things that are all on endless repeat in the back of my mind.

She sent me to the pharmacy to meet with a doctor, and now I'm on a low dose of Welbutrin three times a day, and hydroxyzine for panic attacks. Though it isn't intended as a sleeping pill (I don't think, anyway), the hydroxyzine knocks me out so I've taken it a coulple of times to get a full night's sleep when my thoughts were keeping me awake.

I'm doing okay right now. The real test will come in January. I let my mental state get in the way of school, and I'm fairly certain that I failed at least one final because of it. I'm at my parents house, spending time with my best friend... but after Christmas I'll have to go back to my apartment near campus, without the comfort of family and my best friend, and back to walking past The Boy's apartment twice a day. I'll have to see him again, maybe talk to him, and just thinking about it makes my stomach twist. I hope that by then the Welbutrin will be kicking in and I'll feel like I have more of a handle on things.

Relationships come and go. You say your not normal, but that kind of relationship bs is pretty normal. You found one guy, you'll find another.


Also just out of curiosity what server do you play WoW on?

Having never been in a relationship I'm not sure it's my place to say anything but I'll shoot anyway: If he had the effrontery to go and do what he did knowing full well the extent of your AvPD then it would seem this guy ain't worth s***.
That was a downright bestial thing he did - you don't need someone like that around to mess with your mind. I'm sure it is painful but now you know the kind to avoid...

Just my $.02...

Yes, that guy was terrible to you Amanda. Especially since he knew about your AvPD. I don't know how people can do things like that. It seems to me that most people are sociopaths about relationships, just using other people all the time.

Yeah, I'll find someone else. Hopefully I'll have a better idea of who to trust and who not to... and where the boundaries should be. He liked to think that saying, "I'm not ready for a relationship," was an excuse to act however he wanted... but for six months we spent nearly every waking hour, and a good many sleeping ones, together. I know that wasn't good for me, either - live and learn, right? I knew the first time I let someone in I'd end up being hurt, maybe that's why I put it off for so damn long.

I know he'll probably want to keep being friends. He has a temper and a bad attitude sometimes, and I'm good at putting up with pretty much anything. I'm sure the fact that he doesn't have many friends is a result of people getting fed up with him. I still haven't decided what I'll say to him when I talk to him again. (He'll have to get in touch with me... I have his Warcraft III disc.)

CriminallyVulgar: I have people on Dragonblight, Sentinal, and Argent Dawn. I take it you play?

Yeah, that guy is a jerk if he acted the way he did knowing you had AvPD.

If anybody cares, I have a gnome mage called "Peptron" on Uldaman.
http://armory.worldofwarcraft.com/chara ... &n=Peptron
(The name of my guild says it all.)
And here, the proof that I really am cool online (to cover my total lack of coolness offline):

lol, you have a fan club, that's awesome! My highest level character right now is a gnome mage on Dragonblight... Mollymoon. I'm only lvl 19, though. I haven't been playing too long, and I'm forced to take a break from it while I'm staying with my parents over the holiday. (They have dialup... blegh.)

------------

<-- Orc warlock named Taim on Echo Isles. Silly allys.

CriminallyVulgar wrote:<-- Orc warlock named Taim on Echo Isles. Silly allys.

I didn't care if I would end up ally or horde. I always had a gnome engineer fetish and I HAD to make one the second the game came out, no matter what it involved. I have to say though that the general maturity is much lower on the ally side than the horde side...

amandawants wrote:lol, you have a fan club, that's awesome!

Lol, well I do not. My guild is a loner's guild (there are no apostles). You can see the list of people in the guild, I'm the only one in it. But that's true that I have many friends on my server, and people tend to like the way I interact and play and that I am excellent at dedramatizing. I repulse drama-queens and never get to see people yell at one another because it seems they start to behave the second I log in...