Creations

I'm an amateur musician. I play music every day and it's a big part of my life (its usually very therapeutic). But sometimes when I'm playing I get extremely frustrated with the way I sound and the level of my skill... to the point that I have wanted to bash my acoustic on the floor.

I've noticed something though. When I first record something and play it back I'll almost inevitably hate it (the way my voice sounds mostly, but sometimes the music just sounds tired). But if I come back and listen to that same piece about a week later I can tolerate it much better and even find things I like about it.

I've got a hopeful hypothesis going that maybe I have a "hate it" filter when it comes to anything having to do with me, and that maybe a lot of the things I'm unsatisfied with really aren't as bad as I think they are.

Im also a musician and I find exactly the same. Its not an unusual thing to hate the sound of your voice when hearing it back. For years I was constantly dissapointed and ashamed of how i sounded, wishing i sounded more like someone else when it occured to me that this was the problem. I am never going to sound like someone else. Now I try to hear what is uniquely different and personal about my voice and exploit that.

Also things always seem to sound different after putting some space between the recording and listening. I tend to get tied up in technicalities when Im recording so it colors my listening. I'll usually not make any firm judgements about the take until Im sure I am hearing it without any bias.

I personally think making any kind of art is a real priviledge and incredibly theraputic. I hope its something you never give up.

I'm a writer, or I try to be, and I can't stand to reread anything I've written. I'll reread it a bunch of times right when I finish, but then the next day it makes me cringe and squirm. Sometimes if I wait a year or so it doesn't sound so bad...but sometimes I still wish I could burn it.

I hate pretty much everything I make, I think it's complete $#%^ and I have zero talent or creativity. I've always wanted to learn to play an instrument but I know I would be no good at it. I love reading and I wish I could be a writer, I was absolutely disgusted with the crap I came up with the few times I tried though. I used to love to draw, I haven't in years though because I suck so bad at it.

My literature teacher in college said I had a knack for satirical writing and my hard ass writing prof in college used to compliment me on papers but I can't stand to read something I've written, it seems so bad.

I've got a hopeful hypothesis going that maybe I have a "hate it" filter when it comes to anything having to do with me, and that maybe a lot of the things I'm unsatisfied with really aren't as bad as I think they are.

Your hypothesis is most probably correct

I am an amateur on and off musician as well. Since i was 15 I have composed little riffs and pieces of songs sometimes, but never actually set my mind to finish a song, I used to record some of them but I never dared adding the vocals because I knew I would not like it, not that I sing that bad or anything, I just think I sound really good only when i am very emotional and I can sing my lungs out, so its not worth it to do it differently. Also, I am shy to be heard singing that loud and weird too (think Eddie Veder vocalizing).

The reason I hate my normal singing voice is based on the idea that my loud emotional singing is so good.. it justifies it. Ill take whatever reason to justify my behaviour, especially if I dont have to prove it on the present time.

That's cool that you guys are into music. I love listening to music, but I have no sense for it. That people can put notes together in a pleasing way is like magic to me.

I do like visual arts. I've got some natural talent, but no skill to speak of. Still, it's the only thing that gives life real meaning for me, and I want to go to school for it. At the same time, I just...never draw on my own for some reason. I'm a perfectionist and if I do anything wrong then I hate myself, and I think I'm afraid of failing. I'm also frustrated when I'm not immediately good at something, which I'm not unless I've been practicing for a month straight.

And the thought of drawing in front of other people is probably my biggest phobia ever. Most artists are most nervous about drawing live nudes because of the nudity, while for me I'm sure it would be the crowd of people around me. You know, when people see someone drawing in public they rush over and want to peek, thinking, 'this person must be great!' Then they see something mediocre or bad and just walk quietly away, disappointed. I've had that happen before and it's the worst feeling in the world.

When I draw or paint, I do it in my room with doors locked, and my family and my guy understand that it is an extremely private part of my life. No one sees anything I do or expects to unless I offer, and then I usually regret it because their reactions, even if kind, never live up to what I want.

I've got kind of a "hate it" filter of my own. First I love whatever I'm doing, then I take a step back after it's done and see all the mistakes. I ignore it in disgust for a while. Then when I come back I can see some of the better things in it, if it's good. If it's just rubbish then nothing'll make me like it.

I'm a professional musician (piano) and also do a lot of composition and songwriting. I think that it is really normal not to like the sound of your voice when you hear it recorded. Our voices sound different from inside our heads. Some ways to deal with this are to get a headset thingy (barbershop quartet members sometimes use 'em) that wraps some channels around your head to allow you to hear your voice differently. Or you can put down your instrument and cup your hands down low under your hears.

Also, if you're recording your vocals dry (no reverb) or, conversely, with too many effects, or in a bad acoustic space, or without a compressor/gate, or at the wrong levels, or with a not-great mic, it's going to sound unpleasant in some ways. Professional recordists know that the human voice is really hard to capture. So you probably sound better than you think, anyway. My own recordings sound iffy, but I had a sound-guy friend help me with three demos, and in those, I think I must sound better than in real life, just because he's so good at what he does.

Once any mic issues are squared away, it might help to just do what my voice teacher suggests and record yourself as often as possible. You can listen to singers you like and try, on tape, to imitate them. This lets you know that you have stylistic choices you can make pretty quickly to change your sound. Somehow, I think doing this can help with identity and self-dislike issues when it comes to the voice, if you consciously develop your own style over time.

Lastly, if you're either breathy or sound like you're straining (as you sing higher), then you might want to look into speech-level singing (SLS) lessons or buy one of the home CD sets with SLS exercises on them. The exercises can help your vocal cords work more efficiently, without imposing an unwanted style, like classical, on you.

Best of luck! I am super self-conscious about my own voice and writing, even though I play an instrument in public every day. I joined a songwriting critique group and leave it in tears every time, not because I receive devastating criticism, but because I have to let a roomful of people listen to a recorded demo of my song. Very hard for me to deal with, but I'm getting a little stronger each time.

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When I used to play the piano (I was never any good at it) I got an electric keyboard just so I could listen with headphones and no one else could hear me practice. My mom, who's obnoxiously outgoing and thinks whatever $#%^ her kids produce is amazing, always got mad at me because she couldn't listen to me practice. That pissed me right off because I practice for myself, not for anyone else's enjoyment!

Thanks for the tips Berries.

I have a really hard time letting other people hear things I've written... which is really strange because my parents and my friends are actively into music and I'm simultaneously drawn towards making music with other people... but I can never seem to contribute.

It's very analogous to the way I feel about interacting with people in general. That fear of rejection just puts its foot down and locks up my vocal cords and my playing!