Asking for advice and support

Hi everyone, after a long time i've finally decided to write something here, hoping to find support and encouragement. First of all i wanted to apologize in advance if something i write is hard to understand since english isn't my first language.
Anyway, the reason i'm here is because i think i could be avoidant and this disorder is impacting my life in a major way.
I'm in my late teens and i can't be diagnosed yet, but i truly believe i have this, probably alongside other conditions.
I never go out and obviously don't have friends. In school i have some acquaintances but since i think i'm completelly social inept i try to be as inoffensive,inhibited and lowkey as i can and others don't respect me. I often feel like i have to accomodate others in any way i can so they at least can stand to have me around. I ruined others attempt to build a friendship with me since i give mixed signals and can't go to many places because of my anxiety. In the past i've been bullied because i'm more feminine than the average guy but i never reacted to it, i just faded into the background. I always felt like it was my fault that i've been bullied. I don't daydream much(i'm probably also alexithymic so my inner world is very poor), but i escape reality in other ways. When i do have fantasies of kissing someone for example,the other person is always blindfolded so they can't see me. I find it extremely uncomfortable to imagine myself in situations, and when socializing i can't for example look at myself in a mirror, i have to completely forget how others see me and sometimes even pretend i'm somebody else. When i'm alone i can stand to look at myself only to notice my flaws. Having a normal life feels so distant to me. I'm constantly fatigued and always zone out. I can't be spontaneous anymore and i probably developed alexithymia as a way to cope. I mean,i can't even keep the windows of my house open. Because of all of this,before finding out about AVPD i thought i had aspergers, but now i think that my problems are mostly my own creation. A creation i can't escape. I locked myself in a cage and threw away the key. It's absurd that i feel like my life has already finished but that's the way i feel. When i'm forced to be with my peers it's traumatizing, i can feel how all these years of hiding have made them feel so unrelatable to me. I haven't had their experiences, i'm not free to be spontaneous and i'm extremely apathetic. My life is completely miserable, but i just don't care. I cry about it sometimes, but i don't have the drive to get better. I understand that i'm probably also depressed, but i think that this is what's holding me back. I'm just starting off with a new therapist so maybe things will get better,who knows.
Do you all think i could have AVPD, or did something else came to mind when reading this? Can you relate to what i wrote?
I'm sorry if this was too personal and messy but i just needed to get it all out. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this.

Hi mad8,

Welcome to the forum.

mad8 wrote: I always felt like it was my fault that i've been bullied.

I'm sorry about it. I'm afraid it always happens, that people who are bullied think it's their fault. Unfortunately.

I locked myself in a cage and threw away the key.

I find this image beautiful.