I'm not sure I'm in the right place...but looking for answer

How would someone characterize or describe two people who exhibit (and I don't mean this clinically) anti-social and anxiety behaviours?

I am referrring to two adults that spent their entire lives doing LITERALLY very little other than working. Recreation was limited to watching kids participate in sports and going to a lake house which they split the cost with other relatives over the summer. In fact, father of family did not stay because he did not want to socialize and did not want to take vacation but rather collect pay to pay off expenses. Mom of family worked only briefly but quit because working was too tedious and tiring. Couple never had ANY friends and NO "ambition" as far as I'm told. They had no interest in museums, art galleries, going to the movies, coffee shops, shopping, site seeing, theatre, traveling, swimming, reading, etc. They simply liked sitting around, TV on, smoking and drinking. In fact this couple had lost ALL their teeth by their late 30s.

Anyway, some say mom of family was willing to try things but husband didn't want to hear it. Others say that while he wasn't interested SHE was the one cancelling trips, plans, etc and "freaking" out over the mental "stress" associated with leaving home, packing, having to think about washing clothes upon their return, taking a "long" flight or drive etc. So, she was the one doing the holding back. And still others say money was a factor.

Now these people don't even want to drive 10 minutes for a meal. Literally act like children when we go out. "Why do I have to change"? "Why can't I go out in my torn pants that I wear around the house"?, Where are we going? How long will it take to get ther?, etc. Once they are there they have fun and apologize for making such a fuss, and even go back, sometimes on their own, again. But, next event, the same "fuss" and "stress" ensues.

They can only do "one thing" per year. So, if they go visit relative an hour away, they can't go any further than 15 minutes from the house, except for a grandchild's birthday, communion, etc, because they claim they can't think like that and plan like that, it's too stressful, as is shopping at the mall for an outfit, packing a suitcase, etc. Yet, they claim they are bored and mom of family hits the bingo hall to break the manatony.

By the way, I am not condemning, these are all exact facts. Last year they visited us for 4 days claiming that more would be "too much" and upon their return home, an hour by plane, they said they were "bored" and wish they were still with us, but that they couldn't come back becasue they already "did" their one thing for the year, and WE were willing to pay for their return, just as we'd paid for their original flight.

This is a repeated pattern about EVERYTHING. In fact, they were suppose to go visit family with siblings of theirs, a 3 hour drive and called a week before to cancel. Because of resistance to cancel from woman's system, they went and had so much fun they stayed a week longer. But, the women was almost in hytrianics because she said she'd go and now couldn't get out of it.

Is this normal. They have been this way, according to dh since their 30s or 40s, so it's not an "age" thing, I don't think. Is there a term for this (other than childish and aggrevating)? And is there anything that can be done? They just don't seem to get it.

well, I'd have to say they are strange, for sure, not the usual run of the mill type people, but really, so what? What's the big deal?

If you don't like paying for their air tickets, then don't buy anymore. If they drive over and leave after 4 days then get on the phone to say they weren't there long enough, then don't listen to them.

So what if they don't go out to the movies (the last movie my parents went to see was the Poseidon Adventure), go to bars or restaurants, or holidays or any other things they don't wish to go to. So what? It's their lives.

My parents hardly agree on their holidays either. They wish to visit England but will only go First Class but can't afford that, so they don't go. It's their lives. When they whinge to me about how they'd like to go but 'cattle class' is not 'them' but they can't afford First, I simply say, "Well, it sounds like you'll never get there then." Not my problem.

Unless there's some other underlying issue about them and your DH that you have not addressed in your post, then I say, live and let them live their lives without being judged.

Hope that helps somewhat.

I most certainly am trying to. I have gone through feeling bad for them, to being confused, to being irate, and now basically caring but on the way to NOT at all.

I think what gets my goat is that they will "lament" about how their neighbours and others they know are stale and boring and how they don't do this or how their kids don't help them with that, yet they have plenty in their own backyard. And, I'm not in a position to say anything. And, since this is repeated behaviour, I was wondering if anyone would classify this as something that needed "diagnosing" and/or "medical" attention. I just wanted to find out what type of disorder this may be to see if I may be able to get them some hlep.

I just wanted to find out what type of disorder this may be to see if I may be able to get them some hlep.

Do you really think they are suffering? It sounds like they are just a couple, they have brought up children they do things together - even if its only sitting around with the TV on smoking and drinking, or complaining about things - they do it together. It sounds like they have a relationship far better than many out there.

What exactly is your relationship to these people?

How would someone characterize or describe two people who exhibit (and I don't mean this clinically) anti-social and anxiety behaviours?

I guess it depends on your point of view. They might characterize themselves as perfectly normal.

They just don't seem to get it.

What exactly don't they seem to get?

They can't sit around and smoke nonstop when they KNOW it bothers their grown kids. Only one of their kids smokes but not even in his own home (he steps outside) for HIS kids sake, but they refuse to evern curtain the amount they smoke in their own home because, after all it is THEIR home and they enjoy smoking too much. And, some of us have severe allergies to smoke to which they are only willing to open a window and/or turn on a fan, which does little to help and we wind up with an extreme reactions. When we note this and that we can still get together, just not at THEIR place because of the conditions, they tell us to stop being silly and suck it up for a day or two and not be such big babies. After all they raised threee (normal) kids in that environment. Then they go on and encourage son who smokes to quit and let him know how disappointed they are he went back after quitting. Also recently they gave everyone virtually heck for a significant anniversary party they "had" to attend, making a big deal about giving a gift, driving the distance, hanging out with other family they hadn't seen in a while, having to dress up, etc. etc. etc. Once there, and we called them to see how they were doing, (we weren't invited), the couple whose annniversary it was had live entertainment, and these two were having soooo much fun, that they told us we should call another time because they were in the middle of festivities and no time to talk. And, when we called back they ranted and raved about the party, how well orchestrated it was, how much fun they had, how good it was to see everyone, how good it was to get out of the house, and how it wasn't at all as "terrible" of an ordeal as they thought it may or would be. They even said, they can't understand why the "older" crowd doesn't do this more often. Yet, when they invite them and "do", do things they decline or start the whole complaining, lamenting process again, until, of course, once again, they go and they are in the midst of a good time. And, they do this about everything, even going to a new restaraunt, even if it's across the street from the one they traditionally go to. It's why, where, what, until they get there and then they enjoy themselves, but only after frustrating the hell out of everyone first. And, they don't "get" that their immature behaviour is trying on EVERYONE and they tell US to simply deal with their "craziness".

I think for your own emotional well-being you should continue down the track of NOT caring for these people.

Clearly, they are attention seekers, and you're falling for the bait at every opportunity.

Sounds to me like they're a bit weird, but again, so what? There's nothing in your post to diagnose any form of mental illness, depression, bi-polar or disorder. They are simply annoying people to you, from what I can see.

I doubt they'd even consider any form of therapy at all, and if you start to go down that track you are the one apt to be labelled paranoid or weird or at best, a busy body.

I agree that I should back off and have wanted to for some time. However, without getting into detail, lets just say, in a sense they have to be part of my life to at least a limited degree.

Anyway, the mom was diagnosed with I think BP almost 20 years ago. He first son got married and she completely flipped out, staying out all night, yelling and screaming like a raving lunatic that her husband had deprived her her entire life, and that HIS complacency and jealousy held her back from success, enjoyment and experiencing life (which according to many to SOME degree is true...though once her kids were in school he gave her carte blanche to go out and work, but she quit because she said work was hard and tiring, standing hurt her feet and stiting hurt her back) and she use to spend at least a month at a time at a summer home each year while her husband worked to slay the mortgage monster. Anyway, she flipped and started going to bars, clubs, staying out all night, making friends at bars and spending the night at their house, taking up residence in a hotel/motel and when the doctors put her in a facility for meds and treatment, she took med, went for treatment for about a week, and then said she was feeling MUCH better, didn't know what came over her and that she really didn't need any more therapy or help and went home. Second son got married a few years down the road, and same stuff again. Third and final son gets married and the scenario repeats itself, this time her out all night calling her son to come get her, come take her to eat, come keep her company, etc. And, when he explained he had a new wife and a job he had to be at, and to call one of his brothers, she insisted that they had kids, jobs and kids had school and she did not want to distrub them, but since this son could call in sick and his wife was a mature woman who really did not need him as much as she did, he could spare the time.

One this whole production was over we made plans to go out and last minute after months upon months of planning she decides NOT to go through with it all because she noted that the 1 hour drive would be too stressful on her mind and she couldn't handle the thought of going that far, yet she will drive that far, in fact walk if she had to for a pack of smokes. Not to mention that her son's wedding was suppose to be on an island that was paid in full by the brides family and she blamed not going first on her husband, noting he wouldn't want to go, then on the fact, that she didn't like layovers and did not want to go for that many hours without a smoke.

Personally I think the BP diagnosis is a bunch of BS and that she is seeking attention. But, I wanted some professional input, before I can taket he steps to shut the door competely. So, all advice and help is extremely much appreciated.

Thank you.

Personally I think the BP diagnosis is a bunch of BS and that she is seeking attention. But, I wanted some professional input, before I can taket he steps to shut the door competely. So, all advice and help is extremely much appreciated.

Hey there. I just wanted to point out that it is very unlikely you will receive 'professional input' here, we are all (as far as I know) lay-people like yourself who are also looking for answers.

I think it's nice that you want to help these people (I am assuming they are your parents), but have they asked for help? You might be wasting time spinning your wheels trying to help people who are quite in denial (if not completely content) the way they are.

If I were to make an uneducated guess, I might say that perhaps they have a drinking problem. Alcoholism (as with any addiction) can cause people to behave strangely, isolate themselves, etc. Perhaps they suffer from depression. The thing is, if they are old, and not asking for help, perhaps they don't want to change. It is certainly their right to live the way they want to.

I guess my only advice would be to ask yourself what you can do about it. Since it is very unlikely you can change them, you might want to work on accepting them while setting boundaries around how much time is healthy to spend with them. Could there be any truth to this being more about your need to control and make them live the way you think they should live? If so, then this is probably causing you unnecessary grief, and using up energy you could spend on making your own personal life more enjoyable.

my immediate family though they are part of my familys, so to speak now. And, I do thank you for the excellent insight and advice and the honesty. I was hoping however for some professional "diagnosis". Had they been part of my personal family this pattern would have been broken a long time ago, because I simply would have been loving but have implemented consequences for such actions or such inaction and such ridiculous "cries for attention". Honestly I think they believe that said behaviour gets them sympathy when what it really leads to is "disgust" and apathy and possibly even alianation. And, it extends to other members of the family, the younger generation, who we had been making plans with for a whole year and who kept insisting that plans WERE in the works and they were finalizing details only to inform us last minute that the two brothers had "squabbled" so they said, and they wives (of the two brothers) had dropped the ball in making the necessary travel and hotel arrangements (mind you again, they had a year to plan) and that trying to do it in a month or so, was causing the wives much mental strive, stress and uneasiness and they couldn't handle the trip so close to when the kids would start schook (which is more than a month away), get this, because upon their return, a few weeks prior to school's start, there would be too much laundry to do and that would cause the stay at home moms too much mental frustration and duress while planning for the new school year. So, though we paid a visit 5 times this year and each for major family events they have not paid us a visit once since we moved and it is over two years now. And, it's always a mental duress thing, for the parents and the brothers. It's such a lame excuse. Honestly this whole family complains about EVERYTHING. The women won't drive outside their local area. They can't plan anything, even having people over is too stresful, they don't like making friends, they don't like to drive for too long, they claim they can't afford to fly,...and if its not one thing its another. I honestly want to help them, because they honestly need help or I need to cut them off completely. But, I was looking for some input as to a clinical term for such repeated behaviour.

What made you choose the APD forum for this?