Do I have APD and how can I get better? Anyone similar here?

Hi! Till yesterday I thought I was a covert narcissist, and I kinda felt like I solved some problems that are usual for this PD. But after few big problems in my life that happened recently, I started to question some emotions and negative thoughts I had since childhood. I used to think this negative emotions are normal, and problem is in people that are causing them to me. After more research I found lots of familiar details with the avoidant personality disorder.
I would like to hear your opinion, and also advices how can I solve this problems so I can function normally with others. Thank you so much for reading this post.

Current problems I experience daily:
⦁ When I have problems with someone, during day I will suddenly start to fantasize about the conflict with that person. I imagine the whole conversation in my head. In this conservations I am always trying to justify myself and prove I am corect. I really hate this feeling.
⦁ Often when I am doing or explaining something, if I am feeling pressured, I feel like I need to do it exactly in some specific way others imagined, or I could be perceived as a bad person.
⦁ It scares me when I randomly encounter a person I somewhat know, because I am afraid I could fail to be good enough and be rejected because of it.
⦁ Receiving negative criticism feels really bad, especially in group. Often I will try to defend myself in some way.
⦁ When someone disagrees with me, I feel negative energy burning in my chests, and I instantly start thinking about the justifications. This is huge problem in teamwork.
⦁ In team, I feel like I am being rejected when others are having discussions without me.
⦁ The worst thing is that I am somewhat not always interested to listen what others are saying, especially if they talk for too long, or they have different ideas what we need to do. I am not genuinely interested to hear it, and they also notice it, even though I really try to hide it.
⦁ I also feel some kinda jelaousy when others are telling me about their success if it somewhat impacts me (for example they will not have time for me or they made something better than I did). I hate this feeling, it evens shows on my facial expression, and it gives weird burning sensation in my head, and I really want to get rid of it.
⦁ When I notice some friend is not liking my posts and/or is liking someones elses posts, I feel like he is doing that on purpose, even though my posts should be good enough
⦁ One narcissistic thought I had when I discovered this problems is that if I manage to fix this, I could share the story with others, and they would admire me for it. So it didn't matter it's something bad as long as I am getting praise in return.

Problems I kinda solved:
⦁ This still happens sometimes, I suddenly start remembering some situation (recent or even really old one) and I feel regret and guilt that I did something wrong. I kinda solved it by countering the thinking with "no one is perfect, you don't have to be either".
⦁ Connected to that I feel less and less like I need to be perfect, and I am okay with being just average.
⦁ I don't feel so stressed anymore to meet new people, and I don't feel stressed when I am gonna meet up with friends.
⦁ I stopped being isolated, I am living with one friend, and work at the office where I meet office mates daily.
⦁ I don't care so much anymore about how I look.
⦁ I don't fantasize so often anymore of achieving something amazing, I am kinda settled with the idea that I am not so talented.
⦁ I am kinda more and more relaxed to talk whatever and joke with people that work at shops, restaurants etc. They actually laugh back, and kinda like me.
⦁ I almost never feel depressed or like I want to die suddenly because nothing makes sense.
⦁ With people that like me I can talk a lot and joke, even in smaller groups. But in general I feel much more relaxed when I talk with single person.

More info about me:
⦁ My parents separated when I was really young, and I lived with my mother till I started going to university.
⦁ During this years I would rarely hear from my father, he would sometimes send me gifts, and I have seen him maybe few times in those 15 years. I was always happy when I heard that he is interested into me. I never seen my father as someone I admire though, and I even noticed that others don't respect him either. After I started going to university I lived with my father for few years.
⦁ My both parents had problematic families. My grandmother kinda always told me that I need to be careful what I do because others will think I am failure. She also got really upset when receiving negative critic.
⦁ During my childhood (till low school) I remember that most of the kids didn't like me. I always kinda felt excluded, and against most of the kids I wasn't able to stand for myself. It was a bit different against kids I wasn't afraid of, and I really liked to be the one in charge. During low school I was always with unpopular kids, and there was some kid that called me "the beast". though I never experienced physical bullying. I really wanted to be part of more popular groups, but they wasn't interested in me at all, and looked at me from the above. I even remember my relatives (few years older) treating me this way. I think they all noticed that I was feeling afraid and abandoned.
⦁ During high school, just after the transition, I had really weird habbit where I was trying to go through streets in which it would be least likely to encounter someone I knew, especially someone from low school. I remember this were really scary moments for me. I also remember that it sometimes seemed to me that people like what I am talking, but once I really opened myself, they would start making fun of me, and it felt that they finally realized who I am.
⦁ After 20s I met some people over the internet, but with all of them I had troubling relationships, and I was surprised to realize after that most of them had serious psychological problems as well. We kinda attracted each other.

I think my girlfriend could also have some traits of avoidant personality disorder. She is always afraid of me leaving her, and in general she thinks friends don't like her. On every critic she becomes really sad or upset. We have been together for almost two years now, and this is my first long term relationship. I will be soon 33 years old. I am kinda afraid of admitting her this, while it also doesn't sound fair I try to fix her problem without telling her who I am.

Thanks for reading, and I hope I will find some help here.

How hard is to solve this issues, honestly? Is it even possible to do it alone, or I should seek therapist?

I am gonna try go through similar process to what I did before when I was trying to solve some ways of thinking and negative emotions. I wonder does this really works, or there are some side effects I am not realising.

When I feel some negative emotion or I start thinking negatively, I try to take a deep breath, and I try to identify what kinda emotion it is. I try to find out why is this emotion happening, and I try to classify the situation, is that situation happening often, is it similar to other situations etc. I try to think what should I change in this situation, instead of just justifying myself. I try to find some kinda simple solution, and repeat it to myself every time this negative feelings occur. It takes a lots of concentration and trying, but it seems to me I really solved some issues I had before.

One more emotion I identified today is this: when someone comments I could have done something better, or just doesn't give positive critic as I would expect, I get annoyed by it, because I am thinking "I already tried to do it right, but it's AGAIN not good enough for you. No matter what I do, it's never good enough!" Ugh, I really don't like this one either, and it's huge problem while working as well.

One more, it's kinda similar feeling of annoyance - if for example I want to go to cinema, and friend doesn't wants to go, it feels to me that person is on purpose suggesting something different just so that we don't go where I want. I remember he wanted to go there before, but now he suddenly doesn't. It pisses me off!

So many negative emotions inside of me...

honestsin wrote:Hi! Till yesterday I thought I was a covert narcissist, and I kinda felt like I solved some problems that are usual for this PD. But after few big problems in my life that happened recently, I started to question some emotions and negative thoughts I had since childhood. I used to think this negative emotions are normal, and problem is in people that are causing them to me. After more research I found lots of familiar details with the avoidant personality disorder.
I would like to hear your opinion, and also advices how can I solve this problems so I can function normally with others. Thank you so much for reading this post.

Current problems I experience daily:
[long list]

How hard is to solve this issues, honestly? Is it even possible to do it alone, or I should seek therapist?

You don't sound narcissistic at all. Avoidant? Perhaps. But we cannot really diagonose here. Also the exact label you want to put on it doesn't matter. But you can read this form and see how much you recognize. Anyway, there is some avoidant behaviour and low self esteem because of negative childhood experiences. I think a (good) therapist might help to improve some of the things you are struggling with. You will never be normal, because nobody is! Don't think of yourself as having to be "fixed".