Do You Hate Your Loneliness?

I have a love/hate relationship with my loneliness. There are times I couldn't be happier about the fact that I'm so alone in the world and actually look at other people as being needy and pathetic having to have so many people around them in their world. Then there are times I really wish I had at least ONE person to talk to....to have at least ONE friend. In the past few months, I've taken to posting Craigslist ads just trying to find someone to email with. Nothing sordid or anything, just looking for someone to correspond with. But nobody really communicates like that anymore. I posted one ad specifically looking for someone who is AVPD, and amazingly got a reply. We traded a couple of emails but then she never responded back. Of course I figure she found something wrong in something I said (I always blame me). I suppose as I get older the thought of being old and alone is starting to enter my thinking more and more. There are times I find that quite appealing, other times quite frightening.

Tonight, my loneliness is my best friend. Sometimes, I am glad that I don't need to be around other people to be happy. Sometimes, I am so happy I get anxious around others, so I don't have to deal with incredibly stupid people. Sometimes, I am glad I have my PPD to protect me. I hate my mother to a whole new level tonight.

F**cking family friend wanted to came over to drop by gifts. Mother told me she will be out so I had to answer the freakin door. When she freakin comes home, she ######6 tells me to call them to say thank you. I called them twice and got their voicemail both times. Told my piece of s#% mother they didn't pick up the phone. She then ######6 asks me, Did you call the right number? You insulting *****. That question was not even worth answering so I kept my mouth shut. But really, I'm pissed. How can you not trust me? Mom, how stupid can you get? I'm trying my best to not let my anger out. I just want to be alone. So annoying and frustrating.

Yes I hate my loneliness. I so very much enjoy being with the few people who I am comfortable around that I miss it terribly the rest of the time. I was off work for 12 days at christmas and saw no one for 10 of them. i spent 4 of those days crying literally from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep. Yes, I hate my loneliness.

I came here to find a way of getting online friends because in real life, I dont have any. I wish I could have someone to talk to occasionally. I hardly ever leave the house, unless I go to the grocery store. My ex had apd and so before we broke up, I was just as lonely. He avoided me for years... Some of his avoidance must have rubbed off on me. My patience and tolerance for other people is not much. I am 38 so whenever I was younger it was so easy to join a chat room and talk to all kinds of people. Now, I don't know where to go. I used to view these pages years ago and got interested in some of the conversations people were having here. I think everybody needs friends of some sort.

whyaretwo: I know how you feel. As much as I don't like my job at times, I'm grateful that I have it because it's really the only thing in my life. I used to have a few people that i was very friendly with there, but over the last few years there's been a lot of turnover and most of the people there are much younger than me and I find little to relate to with millenials. Even still, I'm glad I have my job to go to...even though I don't talk to many of my co-workers anymore, the few i do talk to make me feel sort of normal and not sub-human. Many people think I'm an uncaring, grouchy snob...and i suppose in some ways I am, lol....but 90% of the time, its my avpd that prevents me from being open with people.

adyren: So your ex was avpd and you aren't? Interesting...do you think you're looking for someone similar to your ex? My ex was a borderline personality though she didn't acknowledge it. I think us avies are somehow drawn to others with similar disorders and traits. Most of the women I've had relationships with had one thing or another that would be considered not normal. One of the best friends I ever had was bipolar and though we were as close as could be, her condition brought our friendship to an end. I found out later that while she had a ton of "friends", most of her deepest friendships ended badly.

I don't like to be alone, but I can deal with it. That said, I think sometimes I fear being alone and that fear makes me hold on to relationships that might not be working out. I worry if breaking up is a sound decision, or if it's just the AVPD talking.

He was not diagnosed, but yes. I used to get so mad whenever as soon as I started to talk to him he would start coughing uncontrollably or talking to the dog loudly... whatever it took to avoid me; He didn't even realize what he was doing. I coundn't stand it, but I did put up with it for over a decade, so I guess somethings going on with me too. I wanted to remain friends when we broke up but that is just crazy to him. I have low self esteem. I think he's stunted mentally.