A few Qs - a non would like to understand AvPD better

1. When I distance myself from someone, it is usually because I have been hurt or humiliated by them. During the "distancing" time I want nothing to do with them, unless they show genuine remorse. I don't tell them this, because I'm afraid that if I do they will decide to outright snub or reject me. But most of the time people don't apologize or attempt to straighten things out, so I either avoid them completely, or, if it's a co-worker, family member, etc. try to find ways to keep times together as limited and rare as possible.

2. I am well aware of what I'm doing. I don't always think I am pushing them away. So I try to be open to the fact I could be, and do as much soul-searching, praying and pondering as possible. If I feel or realize I have pushed them away, I make every effort to reconcile.

3. I don't really have anyone anymore that I am close to except my kitties and my Lord Jesus (I'm a Christian). The last person I was close to, when I distanced myself, I made sure to apologize and ask forgiveness for my mistakes or mistreatment. Unfortunately that person became (?) bipolar and distanced themselves from me. She has since told me "it must suck to be you."

4. I am grateful for ANYONE who sticks around, because it shows me that they truly care and are not just trying to make me think otherwise. But I am always afraid that they too, in time, will leave or reject me. I am more grateful when they listen and let me vent, instead of trying to tell me what to do, make fun of me, bully me, etc. I haven't really met anyone who will stick around, except my Lord Jesus.

5. Don't yell at me. Understand that I am a highly sensitive person and am prone to anger issues and crying spells. Understand also that I have a disorder that causes me problems with focusing, remembering and concentrating. Just because my disabilities aren't visible doesn't mean I don't have them. If I don't think you care (but you actually do, without conditions) show me you REALLY do (if you have the nerve to really care) by giving me space and not trying to psycho-analyze, criticize or judge me. Do not tell me how to act or live my life. DON'T RESORT TO SARCASM OR SNARK WITH ME, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF IT. If I ask you to politely not tease me, don't get upset or treat me like dirt, or give me the silent treatment. Have some compassion. Don't try to make a fool out of me or pretend to be my friend, only to dump me if I do/say something you don't understand. STOP TRYING TO FIGURE ME OUT. Understand that I'm different but worthy of respect. Don't join the crowd in calling me "weird." Don't roll your eyes, shake your head, laugh at me, backstab me, make gestures, or poke fun at me because you don't get me. Don't take it personally if I get upset, and give me my space when I say to LEAVE ME ALONE. If you anger me, expect me to return your anger, bc I am fed up with people who think they can just push me around. Do not assume I act like this to "play the victim," demand my own way, etc. Don't call me names, humiliate me, tell me to go kill myself, and don't threaten to beat/"F" me up, kill me, etc. And lastly, DON'T put me down by showing or telling me how much tougher, smarter, prettier, or better you are than me. I already know these things so KNOCK IT OFF. All that shows me is that you are a rude, selfish, uncaring phony and unworthy of trust.

6. I absolutely test people. For me, it's a necessity. I do it to insure that they are sincere and genuine. I've had too many so-called friends of mine claim they care, only to either turn around and stab me in the back, falsely accuse me, bully me, make fun of me, or make me "pay" for doing/saying something they either didn't like or understand.

I'm not sure how to explain what form it takes. But I just know that I NEED to know IF (and this is a huge IF) you are as caring and understanding as you claim, you won't turn around and treat me like dirt when I don't "behave" in a way you can understand. When you leave or try to tell me off, you make me feel like a freak, and in the end you make me wish I hadn't tried to make friends with you.

7. I'm not 100% sure. I have been scammed by people of all ages so my distrust is very high. I am comfortable around SOME senior citizens, but that's about it. (My elderly mother is manipulative, so I'm not completely comfy.)

8. LOL I'm not that fortunate. Except for my Savior and my kitties, I haven't really had any human being that TRULY loved or cared about me. Only He has shown me that He understands, accepts, and loves me without judgement. He knows more about me than anyone.
I HAVE had many "friends" who claimed they cared, but then showed their true self and dumped me for one reason or the other. (Yes, I know that I probably am to blame, so don't remind me. All it does is reinforce my refusing to make friends.)

9. No, it doesn't trigger me, but I do try to give them space (if requested), and pray for them. I'm too afraid to ask them if they need any other help for fear of being yelled at.

I just hope that, now that I have answered these questions, my fellow AvPDers will not in turn reject me or see me in a negative light. That would be the most devastating thing for me.
It would also make me feel that "even among misfits, I'm a misfit."

Hello black cat.
As you say, there are different reactions within the group. I can only say with certainty that these answers apply to me.

1. For me, if I'm distancing myself from you it is because I've come to the conclusion either that I'm wierd and you don't want me around, or I'm overwhelming and you don't want me around. Again, for me, I want you to pursue me and reassure me that you like me.

2. I feel undesireable, so in my mind what I am doing is providing you with a painless (for you) way of disconnecting with me. I'm not pushing you away. I desparately want you to want to be around me. But I also feel that if I open up to you about that fact, you'll find me even less desireable.

3. I have never been the one to initiate the return.

4. I am grateful for those very few people.

5. Be as open as possible about the positive things. Whenever I'm being asked to guess how you feel I will assume it is more negative than it is. For the same reason, I am hypersensitive to negative comments and criticism. This dosn't mean you can't be negative, but realize that I will always perceive these comments as stronger than they are. For example, for me, anger=hate. If you express anger to me, I see it as you hating me. A person who hates you will hurt you on purpose. A person who hates me can never be trusted.

6. All the time. I like talking to people but I dread conflict. I have been a master at presenting topics in a neutral way to see if you express strong views on it that differ from mine. I will also tell a slightly, not strongly, painful story from my past in a humorous way to see if you laugh. Laughter isn't the right reaction. Sympathy is. I am trying to detect if you are a naturally hurtful, or naturally caring, person.

7. There is a sweet spot of friendliness and happiness. Too much makes me suspicious. Too little makes me think you automatically dislike me. Unfortunately I read shy people as silently judging me and finding me lacking.

8. This one is hard for me to talk about because she is no longer in my life. We both knew at the beginning of our relatonship that it had a built-in, unalterable time limit, but it's still hard as it was the only time I ever succeeded in being completely open and honest with someone, and felt nothing but love and care and sympathy in return. In some ways this has made life even harder, because I now know for certain I can find true love, but it has only happened once in 51 years of life.

9. This sort of thing doesn't always trigger me. I always want to help them and be there for them. If I get triggered then I doubt that I am helping them and suspect I'm making things worse. If things do get worse for them then I fell at least partially, if not completely, to blame.

lechatnoir,

interesting choice for a nick - and thank you for starting this thread. As well as to everyone who has taken the time to give your take on the questions. I see some similarities in a few of the responses to certain questions.

Guess I'll add a few of my own (AvPD so questionnaire applies)

1. No although this doesn't happen with a few people I know quite well - if it does the process will be stopped if the other person is ok with it happening in the first place - I only have to do the distancing if I'm pressured to not do it

3. The people themselves so for me it is "just a natural thing that happens" as again there is no need to run away from them

4. I am pleasantly surprised when someone does stick around especially for a longer period of time - there are always crises happening at regular intervals almost so it's inevitable they'll end up hearing about one or another of those if they are in my life for a while

5. The biggest one would be not automatically judging my actions and deciding what they "must" mean because that just worsens my avoidance - generally other avoidants are good at this and nons are very bad at it

6. I don't test but do observe - more so unknown people to see if they might have malicious intentions as life tends to place me in situations where I have to deal with people doing just that. For people I know it's more about trying to see if they are going through something and would benefit more from a certain behavior from me vs another one; intuition is my friend here

7. Yes and it does include animals for sure (who seem to be automatically friendly with me in most cases) although there are some people who have the same effect - and usually they are the ones who have later become friends or people I know. As for who I have a sciency theory on how/when it works and have been doing research along these lines with some interesting results.

8. Yes and although I don't want to describe any actual instances it is similar to the answer to 5.

9. Ironically this will "untrigger" me because then I have something to work on if the other person could use the assistance - what was that saying about the idle mind - however I don't like the fact they are having to go through these experiences even if it has an unintended positive effect on me.

+bump for more posts in case anyone else would like to

If you are a non, you might not see that someone who is an anger-prone AvPD can have a two-faced personality. My parents constantly worry that my angry outbursts will land me into trouble in public. In reality, I can switch being angry completely off, because I'm terrified that other people will judge me if I have these outbursts. This is completly driven by fear of people. Nons (my parents) can't understand how someone can completly have two different personalities or "switch" their feelings. The unfortunate result is I ended up getting told what to do about my behavior which just further escalates into arguing. The more you tell the person what to do the more likely they'll become paranoid and sensitive. For me personally, even just suggesting I should see a therapist is very insulting. It is a never ending cycle that goes nowhere for both sides.

I have a 32 year old daughter that I think (from what I’ve read) has AvPD disorder. She has been hurt in relationships and the pushing away has become more and more prevalent. I’m her mom, I desperately want to have a relationship with her but I don’t want to make her feel smothered by me. I want to give her the space she needs, but yet feel that if I don’t reach out she will feel unwanted. She has no friends. She has to have a man in her life and pours herself into that relationship that she has no relationship with her parents or her sister. Any advice as to what I should do, I would be grateful. Most recently she has turned away because of a comment her dad said over the phone and now I have zero contact with us.

Hi Lechatnoir (why this nickname, if I may ask?)

I'm not sure you're still around, but I felt like answering these questions. I did not read what people here already answered, I didn't want to feel influenced. I will read them later though.
One precision though : I have strong avoidant traits, this is a sure thing, but this is not the only traits or disorder that I have. So my response may be quite different because of this reason.

lechatnoir wrote:1. For those of you who go through episodes of distancing yourself from someone/cutting off contact - how do you feel during it (if anything)?

I feel empty/numb/I do everything to numb myself. Sometimes I may engage in several activities, as a way to prove my life is a lot better without them. Also I look for new people to replace them. But yeah, people with AVPD will mostly isolate themselves I think. Suicidal ideas can become stronger also.

lechatnoir wrote:Is there anything the other person could say to help when you distance or do you prefer to be left alone?

It depends on the reason why I took some distance. If it's because I feel like $#%^, or unwanted, then every positive and warming intervention could be appreciated. If it's because I hate you, better leave me alone

lechatnoir wrote:2. When you are in the midst of distancing yourself from someone you got too close to, do you realize that you are doing it in that moment? Or is it only in retrospect, after perhaps you haven't heard from someone in a while that you realize you've pushed them away?

I try to do my best to know what and why I'm doing it.

lechatnoir wrote:3. For the people in your life that you've been able to get closest to, what causes you to return after distancing? Is it remorse? guilt? loneliness? miss them? Or is it just a natural thing that happens?

Never did such thing, except for some members of my family and for someone I was obsessed with and wanted to take revenge on.

lechatnoir wrote:4. Do you think less or more of people who stick around through difficult periods where you may be uncertain of their standing in your life?

More of course, but this thinking never lasts since I know they will leave me anyway. And if they give me proofs that they 'll never leave me, then I push them even harder.

lechatnoir wrote:5. What are things someone you care about can do to make you feel more at ease? Less at ease?

Enjoying simple moments. Not mentioning the "normal world" or worse, bringing me in it.

lechatnoir wrote:6. Do you ever find that you "test" people to see their response? What form does this take and what is the motivation?

Oh yes I do. The problem with tests is that if you choose to answer positevely, there can be no winning, ever. This kind of game never stops, it only becomes harder. Limits are needed.

lechatnoir wrote:7. Are there people you come across that immediately seem non-threatening and make you feel more at ease automatically? (ie, kids, people with a small stature, people with a certain demeanor, shy people?)

People who are calm, confident, who smile a lot. On the opposite, I hate when people speak loudly, or have an agressive behavior, or are a show off.

lechatnoir wrote:8. Could you describe an instance where you realized someone who came into your life actually did truly love or care about you? What lead up to this realization? How did it make you feel?

No, actually it's quite the opposite; I've realized love doesn't really exist. Infatuation, obsession, desire, habits, dependance, affection, interests do exist though. And yes, it's quite obvious that I think this way because I suffered a lot.

lechatnoir wrote:9. What goes through your head when someone you care about is going through a difficult time? (ie, death in family, illness, high stress, etc). Does this trigger you?

I do the best I can to heal or ease their pain. If it's really too much to bear, I run away to protect myself.


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Momneedsadvice wrote:I have a 32 year old daughter that I think (from what I’ve read) has AvPD disorder. She has been hurt in relationships and the pushing away has become more and more prevalent. I’m her mom, I desperately want to have a relationship with her but I don’t want to make her feel smothered by me. I want to give her the space she needs, but yet feel that if I don’t reach out she will feel unwanted. She has no friends. She has to have a man in her life and pours herself into that relationship that she has no relationship with her parents or her sister. Any advice as to what I should do, I would be grateful. Most recently she has turned away because of a comment her dad said over the phone and now I have zero contact with us.

Hello and welcome;

I'm curious to know what comment her father did say? You seem to minimize it a lot so I was wondering if it was justified or not.

Pushing people away doesn't mean you don't need people, it means you need them but you have to protect yourself from the world. It means that deep inside you think you have no value, and being around people would only remind you of this painful truth (especially if people try to "help" by saying such things as "go find yourself a job", "go meet some friends" "live the life, it's beautiful" "you have everything to be happy, try to be happy", etc., which makes the pain even worse.

I hope people here will give you other advices but mine is : be there (you can just send her a text to tell her you'll always be there for her, even when things are bad) , accept her, as she is, show her you're proud of her if she does steps (even if baby steps) to go over her fears. Then maybe she'll begin to look for a professional help.



Pffew. Too much english for today.

Hello and welcome;

I'm curious to know what comment her father did say? You seem to minimize it a lot so I was wondering if it was justified or not.

Pushing people away doesn't mean you don't need people, it means you need them but you have to protect yourself from the world. It means that deep inside you think you have no value, and being around people would only remind you of this painful truth (especially if people try to "help" by saying such things as "go find yourself a job", "go meet some friends" "live the life, it's beautiful" "you have everything to be happy, try to be happy", etc., which makes the pain even worse.

I hope people here will give you other advices but mine is : be there (you can just send her a text to tell her you'll always be there for her, even when things are bad) , accept her, as she is, show her you're proud of her if she does steps (even if baby steps) to go over her fears. Then maybe she'll begin to look for a professional help.



Pffew. Too much english for today.[/quote]

Thank you!!
The situation that has happened recently to have her push her away is that her grandmother is getting sicker. Daughter lives an hour away and works fulltime so I get that she has less time to come. Grandmother recently had to start dialysis and stayed with me for a bit and daughter never called to see how things were going (she is close with grandma). After a week, she called and dad answered and say "how come you can't call and see how your grandma is". She said "I call her 3 times a week", and almost hung up on Dad. The 3x per week is not true because grandma has mentioned that she wonders why she doesn't call. this was a week ago and now no contact with her.
I texted to ask to see if they (daughter & BF) could come and visit during a recent long weekend. No answer... I've texted a couple days ago to just say Hi and I love you and no reply.

1. I jump from being incredibly depressed and sad to numb and not caring. I prefer being alone.
2. That would depend entirely on the person and how much i like them at the time. Sometimes i distance myself without realizing it and other times i do it on purpose because i don’t want to become that close to them.
3. I get close to some people because i realize we share similarities, not because of emotional ties. Generally i get close to people that like the same activities as i do and i become close again when i want to engage in those activities.
4. I hold them in a higher position when they stick with me because it shows that they are loyal and sometimes loyalty is what i need.
5. Silent companionship is why i typically spend time with this person. They don’t feel the need to fill the silence with meaningless chatter like most people.
6. No. I spend enough time around a person and i can tell where they stand and what their reaction to something may be. I don’t need to test them.
7. Kids aren’t threatening but they do disgust me. Everyone else is perceived as a threat.
8. They accepted me regardless of my faults and helped me get to where i am now. I wouldn’t consider it love though, that is too strong of a word. They care for me perhaps.
9. I distance myself and let them deal with it. I don’t like it when people feel bad for me so i doubt they would. Im also not that good at comforting or understanding others and would have no idea what to do.