I ruined my one and only chance at having a good boyfriend

I want to scream at the top of my lungs with tears running down my cheeks with pure rage at myself. I regret not being with my long distance ex boyfriend when I had the chance. I had a lot of doubts and insecurities, I felt like he wouldn’t love or accept me, so I completely ruined and sabotaged the relationship. He deserved to be treated like a precious king, but I kept pushing him away. I hate myself SO ######6 MUCH for all the times I said anything mean to him. He never deserved any type of mistreatment from me. God I hate myself so damn much. I’ve been self harming at a ridiculous rate like never before. Ever since the start of 2017 I’ve been in self destruct mode. Ruining my relationship with him is one of the biggest regrets of my life and trust me I have a lot of regrets. There’s absolutely nothing that can be done to fix this; I can’t go back in time and be with him. I have no one to blame but myself. I always have to self sabotage and destroy any chance I have at being happy, and hurt people in the process. Always. The guilt and regret is eating me up alive. He was such a good guy with a good career and education, totally my type in both looks and personality, he actually found me attractive and I found him extremely attractive too. HE WAS SO ######6 PERFECT. And I just HAD to push him away for no reason at all. I hate myself. I really ######6 do.

Then the worst part of all is he doesn’t understand me. He thinks I rejected him on purpose. He takes it personally. He says it’s because I don’t think he’s good looking enough WHICH ISN'T TRUE. I find him very good looking, but I’ll never be able to prove myself to him. All he has are the mean things I said about him in the past because I was lost and confused and in self isolation mode, trying to push him away because I felt like I wasn’t worthy of love or a good man, it was the equivalent of rubbing $#%^ on myself and throwing it at people so people will get away from me. I completely ###$ up everything with no chance at redemption.

You already posted about this. *mod edit*

It’s been almost a whole year since we broke up and thinking about him still eats away at me.

Have you tried to reconcile things with him and explain your internal struggle?

My ex has this issue and we have broken up twice now. I think now that we are friends, we are moving a pace he can handle in opening up to me finally...he's deciding I guess if he wants to take that risk I would say. Do you think your ex is open to that conversation at least? Might give him some peace of mind too.

I think I'm over this for the most part. I just hope he's okay and everything is going well for him. I hope I'm off his mind forever and he ignores all the things I said.

Have you considered or even found out about what used to be known in some circles as soul ties? These form bonds and attachments that can be very hard to break and are the kind that doesn't fade away unlike most connections. These are often mental but are also very strong spiritual connections that keep people trapped so they can't move on from failed relationships.