Do you feel big? Do you feel small?

Sometimes i feel small compared to the world.

But in a way, i feel big. For instance when i feel responsible of whatever happens around me. I have to consciously tell myself that i'm just small and things happen and it's not me.

So in a way, i'm ambivalent.


Do you feel big? Do you feel small?

Like most delusional ppl, I feel incredibly superior to the majority of the human race whenever I am completely alone for long enough (which is 3/4 of a day), but small and insignificant when on a crowded bus, or walking down a crowded street. In terms of the free will/determinism debate, I have recently been leaning toward a "whatever will be, will be" philosophy, as long as I continue to remain sober and drug-free, let the chips fall where they may.

Small or perhaps suppressed and perhaps overwhelmed by social claustrophobia?

Your question is probably not aiming at this but I've noticed that, despite being rather tall, I often view others as relatively taller, bigger etc. even if they technically aren't. Not sure if that has any meaning on aa psychological level though

I used to be very avoidant, and know what you mean by bigger as well. I was asking because used to when I'd have to deal with people I'd feel like they basically could overpower me with mere words/existence.

When I said social claustrophobia I was thinking back when a person might back then ask me something in a group or whatever situation. My heart rate would esalate, I would start getting panicking, and everything I would try to say would be virtually choked out of me. I would barely be able to talk, as if I had a boa constrictor around my throat. I would force out short easy to understand words despite normally being capable of eloquence when on my own. The more I thought about dealing with even one person it was like they loomed over me and choked my ability to communicate properly.

I'm completely easily able to deal with people now...though I'm schizoid now, so not sure if most would consider that an "improvement" lol.

I do get a rush from dealing with people now though. I have no sense of worry about what others think about me anymore, and when comparing it to yesteryear it feels like a goddamn superpower.

CrimsonKing wrote: I feel incredibly superior to the majority of the human race whenever I am completely alone for long enough (which is 3/4 of a day), but small and insignificant when on a crowded bus

I can relate Well, not sure. Sometimes i take energy from people around me. It depends on the contexts, i think.

Holodeck wrote:Small or perhaps suppressed and perhaps overwhelmed by social claustrophobia?

Yes, suppressed. I used to feel that way as a child. With some magical ablity to disappear.
I feel sort of claustrophobia occasionally in the crowd or in place where i don't perceive sympathy or something that makes me welcome. I mean : me. A smile, something to eat, some word... but i need to perceive sincerity. If not, i just want to run away.

Asu wrote:Your question is probably not aiming at this but I've noticed that, despite being rather tall, I often view others as relatively taller, bigger etc. even if they technically aren't. Not sure if that has any meaning on aa psychological level though

I suppose that maybe there is.

Personnally i usually i can't say if someone is tall or small. Even close colleague. I just don't see. Why? I don't know. Same with wearing glasses or colour of the clothes.

Holodeck wrote:I used to be very avoidant, and know what you mean by bigger as well. I was asking because used to when I'd have to deal with people I'd feel like they basically could overpower me with mere words/existence.

Yes i imagine that.

When I said social claustrophobia I was thinking back when a person might back then ask me something in a group or whatever situation. My heart rate would esalate, I would start getting panicking, and everything I would try to say would be virtually choked out of me. I would barely be able to talk, as if I had a boa constrictor around my throat. I would force out short easy to understand words despite normally being capable of eloquence when on my own. The more I thought about dealing with even one person it was like they loomed over me and choked my ability to communicate properly.

At the beginning of talking in this forum, i had fear of being asked something like "where do you come from". What would i answer? What to say? How to escape?
I think just being able not to answer or lie or any answer made me feel more comfortable. Like some possibility of escaping. If not, one feels trapped.

I'm completely easily able to deal with people now...though I'm schizoid now, so not sure if most would consider that an "improvement" lol.

I don't know. I suppose it depends on how you feel or if you are ok with your life

I do get a rush from dealing with people now though. I have no sense of worry about what others think about me anymore, and when comparing it to yesteryear it feels like a goddamn superpower.

I worry a little less then before, but still...

Good question; I feel hooked in where Im not supposed to be! Same difference! For me, to say Im either big or small suggests I'm codapendently hooked in or intertwined in something that Im not actually involved in but feel hooked into or involved in! ITs like comparing myself to other people! They seem 10 feet tall, I feel 2 feet tall! For me, that is a learned behavior of survival! I had no place to run or go when child! I was not taken care of; I was neglected in many ways and it started showing up and when bullies attacked or other problems; I had no one to tell or get help! soon, I disappeared within myself! I felt 2 inches tall! by the time I was 17, I didn't exist anymore! The number 17 existed for my age, but I was not present, nowhere to be found!

.
Did I feel to tall; yes, that makes sense that I had a percussion complex; meaning, it must be my fault in a way; I was hooked in where my emotions should not have been! In reality I had nothing to do with it! With what ever problem was going on!

Philonoe wrote:Personnally i usually i can't say if someone is tall or small. Even close colleague. I just don't see. Why? I don't know. Same with wearing glasses or colour of the clothes.

I have had this issue in the past. I think it's due to being so overwhelmed by the situation that you find details like that as unimportant. In that moment nothing matters except for questions to you, how to respond without self-loathing later and how to make an easy getaway before things get too stressful.

At the beginning of talking in this forum, i had fear of being asked something like "where do you come from". What would i answer? What to say? How to escape?
I think just being able not to answer or lie or any answer made me feel more comfortable. Like some possibility of escaping. If not, one feels trapped.

One important thing to remember about things online is anybody can come and go whenever. Even if you are shown as "online", it doesn't mean you're not in another room unable to type and simply logged in. In person is a lot trickier, because it's in real time. Go ahead and take all the time you need to respond to online things though. Also keep in mind saying "I don't wish to mention 'subject' online" is reasonable as well. You shouldn't give out identifying info for safety reasons.

I'm completely easily able to deal with people now...though I'm schizoid now, so not sure if most would consider that an "improvement" lol.

I don't know. I suppose it depends on how you feel or if you are ok with your life

I don't miss being avoidant, but I get no reward from anything anymore. Sure I don't want to feel like I'm being torn apart when something goes wrong anymore, but even in this quote here:

I do get a rush from dealing with people now though. I have no sense of worry about what others think about me anymore, and when comparing it to yesteryear it feels like a goddamn superpower.

^This rush is adrenaline from the memory. My heart goes faster, but there is no emotion to it at all. It's a nice change of pace is all. Sadly, it's one of the closest feelings of pleasure I get now. "Feel good" brain chemicals are almost impossible for me to produce 99.999% of the time. Imagine instead of getting to enjoy food you can only get a light scent of it (and that's if the scent is a strong one). Biting into the food gives no pleasure.

The thought of being like this for the rest of my life is beyond depressing for me. It's basically going from being suppressed by others to self-suppression from a self/anti-self that I want nothing to do with. I hate it. Hopefully things will get better is all I can say.

I feel neither most of the time. I feel average, I have a certain impact on specific people around me and plenty of individual strengths as well as weaknesses which is perfectly fine.

So, yes at certain times I do feel rather big whilst at others I feel rather small. I see everything in life as a continuum though and to be honest I think it's hard to objectively measure where does big start and small end, most of the time I like to think I fall somewhere in between those two antipodes.

Yours thoughtfully

HumanityIsOverrated