Advice on how to communicate with an avoidant partner

Hi thanksalatte,

I'm sorry you are having issues in your relationship. I often see posts such as yours, and I usually refer people to this passage by Dr. Tracy, found on loveadvice.com:


The Broken Popcorn Machine Parable

So often in my private counseling, I've heard the same story from both men and women: "I met this attractive, interesting person, the sex was exciting, our relationship started off great, and I fell in love."
Then they go on. "But I've poured my heart into this relationship for over a year, and he (she) just isn't responding. He (she) insists nothing's wrong, but I know something must be."

These are not "Crazy Love" situations, as in Coleen's and my "Did For Love" cases, where the person you're in love with is an obvious philanderer or crazy person. These cases are more like Sandy's story, where the relationship failed to blossom into mutual love and eventual commitment for a different reason: the person you've fallen for looks normal but turns out to be commitment-phobic, has fear of intimacy, or is simply a "witholder."

Invariably, my hopelessly in-love client feels there must be something they're doing wrong, or something more they should do to solve the problem. I feel sad for them, for the unfairness of the situation, but all I can do is tell them the following little story, about a mother and her son and a popcorn machine at a carnival.

The son gets a coin from his mother for popcorn but comes back empty-handed, so his mother walks over to the machine with him to help. She is careful to put the right coin in the right slot, and she even shakes the machine, but no popcorn comes out. She turns away but he pulls her back, his heart set on popcorn. "The popcorn is right there," he cries, "I can see it, and we put the money in, so why can't you do something to get it?"

His mother gently explains why she can't help. "I'm afraid there's nothing you can do and nothing I can do; the machine is broken and the only one who can fix it is a popcorn machine repairman."

Accepting the message of this parable is difficult, so I usually continue. "Your partner is a broken popcorn machine. You've put your coins in and deserve to get love out. You may even see love in him (her), but there's nothing either of us can do to get it out. The repair he (she) needs is years of therapy. This is a popcorn machine you can't fix, and you can't wait for it to get fixed. Put the loss behind you and get on with your life."

If you've done all you can in a relationship and it's still not working, the Broken Popcorn Machine story may help you come to peace with letting it go.

Thank you, Skyflyz.

It is a tough message, and I so appreciate it. It is hard when you are looking at the popcorn machine, you've had the popcorn before and it was the best popcorn you've ever had, and you just don't understand why you can't have it again. Sigh. It seemed like he was capable of love in the beginning, and then he admitted to me that it scared him, how "fast" it was moving (not fast at all, btw). And then it was like everything just ... stopped.

And I am still continuing to invest so much.

This is such an interesting post regarding how to communicate with a BF. I am a mom and need help with my avoidant daughter. What should I do to reach out? something her dad said to her on the phone last week has resulted in no contact with her at all. It breaks my heart. How do I reach out? I text her and she doesn't respond. I want to give her space as I am understanding that avoidants require. But I don't want her to think that I feel "nothing happened"... she felt attacked and now she's pulled away. What do I do?