I have a serious problem...

hi.....new here, probably won't hang around here for long, but as I'm sure everybody here is...I'm seeking a little help and some advice.

For those of you; I've never said much in my life, only when It's absolutely necessary, trying to keep this article as "emotion free" as I can.....so here I go straight out of the hearth; I'm a 20 y.o male who has probably suffered this disorder for most of my life. recently I did a wikipedia search regarding my feelings an behavior and came to the conclusion that I most likely have Avoidant personality disorder. almost everything that was written in the content of the text was a indeed suitable description of my mood and behavior. Not a good thing I guess.

I never felt as being normal, always hiding away from things/situations. Always felt that I was alone and needed no one to love me/ look after me, it feels as if everybody is against me and that is a fact, because no one ever phones me or engages in discussions with me. It feels like I'm inferior to others...I used to have a few friends, now I have none. For the last 9 weeks I been alone all by myself. I want to cry, but I can't....and that hurts...a lot! The only humans I have an close allegiance with is my mother and my father and my sister. I spend my days down in the basement of the house (where my rooms is) and spend the days with regular gaming. I also consume large amount of alcohol weekly, feels better when I have been drinking, I feel more secure, Free and happy.

I have never had a girlfriend in my life because of who I am. At work I am slow, unfocused and sometimes lazy, spending the days daydreaming, as with my hobby, which is my car. Every step feels like a sting, as if I am exhausted, and I'm not fat. Feeling lonely, depressed, useless, shy and unable to make contact to people I've been up to self-harming thoughts, which includes suicide....had my father revolver placed to my head, but wasn't brave enough to pull the trigger. So I got no friends, I drink a lot no life, no one that I love and I don't even know what I want in life. Don't care if I'm dead or alive...dunno what to do.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. Maybe you should let your family know how you're feeling. They probably don't realize how deeply depressed you are. In the end drinking makes everything worse. I drank to cope with my shyness and depression but my life improved dramatically when I stopped drinking. It's still a struggle, but much better. You feel like you're inferior, but you're not. I can tell by reading your post that you're an intelligent caring person who is going through a difficult time. I wish there was more I could say but know that there is someone out there who is sending good thoughts your way.
Kate

It's a pretty sad situation that you described there. I can relate to some of the things you said. However, i think that what you want in your life now is to change.Change yourself and change what you feel. Maybe start by gradually changing your appearance. Something that will make you look and feel a little different.
I remember i drank too when things didn't go the right way, but i found physical exercise to be the best substitute for alcohol. Now instead of cigarettes and beer i buy nutritional foods and supplements. If you're uncomfortable going to the gym, maybe you can buy some weights for home.
If you know stuff about cars i can only be jealous. I wanted to make my car a hobby too, but what happend was that i couldn't do anything to it. I would usually end up breaking stuff or having my dad to do everything for me which made me feel completely worthless. Men are supposed to like cars, but it is quite the opposite for me.
Anyway, just try to change for Yourself, and not for others and you should feel better. I did.

I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time lately. I'm glad that you are trying to identify your issues, so maybe you can get some help and feel better.

I agree with everyone else, though, drinking might make you think you feel better but it really makes things worse. When I was younger I used to drink a lot whenever I was in a social situation. I'd be ok for about an hour, then I'd be drunk and get paranoid and have to go hide. The only times I ever cut or burned myself to relieve anxiety was when I was drinking. So, maybe if you could cut down on the alcohol, you might find you are able to tolerate small amounts of social interaction.

I hope you feel better and find a good counselor to help. Good luck!