Avoidant by proxy?

Wonder if anyone can help-

I seem to be able to cope with social situations ok, as I can "act normal" for a short while before I have to disappear. This gets easier as i'm slowly becoming more schizoid rather than avoidant.

What I really can't handle though is hearing/seeing somebody else suffering socially, i.e, someone near me talking without confidence on the phone at work- I can almost feel the awkward silence on the other end.
Or that point on the bus when two people who don't know each other very well run out of things to say.

It burns into me so I have to leave or play with my phone to distract myself. I would say the feeling is as intense as if it was happening to me directly.

What is this? Is it a usual avoidant trait?

Sounds like empathy. Since you know what it is like to suffer like that you can feel for someone who is going through it. I think normal people tend to look on the socially awkward with contempt. But maybe that's the idea I get because I am avoidant.

I can feel this empathy for certain people. Mainly women I think. It depends on my mood. I am pretty miserable and I get really surly sometimes. Then I don't care about anyone.

Yup I know exactly what you are talking about. I can relate very well and we seem to share some common traits (dysthimic, avoidant vanishing into schizoid). One of the most painful things is listening to other people's social awkwardness. Not painful as in, thats annoying, but very empathetically painful, as if it were happening to myself like you said.

Like parador mentions, I think this is just normal empathy intensified by avoidant qualities and past experiences. For me the worst is listening to some guy trying to hit on or flirt up a girl who is obviously not interested (or vice versa, some girl going after a guy who doesn't care). Or listening to people's "social suffering" during phone conversation like if they are in some argument or someone is trying to tell someone else they care about/love them but it is not going so well.

Parador wrote:I think normal people tend to look on the socially awkward with contempt. But maybe that's the idea I get because I am avoidant.

I feel the same way.

Sometimes I think I'm somehow lapsing over into Schizotypal PD. The diagnostic criteria are:

1. ideas of reference (excluding delusions of reference)
2. odd beliefs or magical thinking that influences behavior and is inconsistent with subcultural norms (e.g., superstitiousness, belief in clairvoyance, telepathy, or "sixth sense"; in children and adolescents, bizarre fantasies or preoccupations)
3. unusual perceptual experiences, including bodily illusions
4. odd thinking and speech (e.g., vague, circumstantial, metaphorical, overelaborate, or stereotyped)
5. suspiciousness or paranoid ideation
6. inappropriate or constricted affect
7. behavior or appearance that is odd, eccentric, or peculiar
8. lack of close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives
9. excessive social anxiety that does not diminish with familiarity and tends to be associated with paranoid fears rather than negative judgments about self

Except for 2 and 3, I have these things to some degree. Does AvPD have a way of turning into Schizotypal or Schizoid or something? Or is it just a high co-morbidity between the three disorders?

Aha, empathy- yeah, that makes sense, thanks. It's sometimes strange to think of an intensified feeling when mostly my emotions seem dulled.

Hi IronAngel, we do seem to share quite a few traits, don't we? Confusing, aren't they?!

Speaking of which, it can be very tiring and confusing when I trawl through my personality (lots of the time). I mean, as in whether a certain way of thinking confirms my (self)diagnosis or contradicts it- and what constitutes a criteria or just a trait. I find I have traits from just about every personality(disorder), so prioritising how much they affect me is never-ending in my search for "the answer".
So many traits seem to contradict and of course we can think loads of things in passing which are not dependent on our personalities.

Ooh, if I could i'm sure i'd be really angry right now!! ;-D



xx

When I was a kid I couldn't watch someone embarrass themselves on TV. I would run away and hide when Lucy did something embarrassing on I Love Lucy. It was probably the first expression of what later turned into APD. I was about six years old. Sadly, my extremely shy five year old son is doing the same thing when he plays with other kids. I'll look over and he'll randomly have his hands over his ears. It's because he thinks some other kid is doing or saying something embarrassing.

Kate

Yeah I always do this although I never even really thought about it too much afterwards. The explanation of putting your avoidant self in someone else's shoes triggering empathy makes a lot of sense too...

I hate watching candid camera most of the time. It triggers to much emotion or anxiety or both. Same with newer soap operas with younger actors. The whole non-rational behaviour disgusts me, like jealousy or anger. It's enough when I can experience it in real life but also in TV? No, thanks.

Wow..same thing with me. I've come to the point where I have to turn off the TV because I just cant stand to see what happens..even though I know in the end it works out.

I have a friend though, who now that I think about it, seems to have APD as well.. When I see him get in conversations that dont go the way he intended and see his response..I feel that.

I have so many talks with him, enforcing him to not care, be himself and be more talkative etc. Im like his counsoler! Im always on the watch to make sure he's ok and to talk to him.
other than that..Im just like him. (except for around our small group of close friends, thats where Im comfortable. He's uneasy in all situations, questioning his friendship a lot.)

I feel the same. Ive always described it as dying a little inside. I die and i cringe.