my frustration

hey guys so this my first post on here, anyway. first off sorry about all pgraphs i dunno why but i seperated them as i made a new point. so sorry for that.

yeah i have a frustrating situation atm. all my life ive had trouble socialising, but at different times ive had friends who i was kindve distant in nature to, atm i have just the 1 friend. im 22 male and live in australia.

whenever i speak to people im completely on the look out for if theyre judging me. it hurts so much if other people criticise me and it stings like a wound for days or weeks or longer afterwards.

i mostly dont speak in social situations unless i have to. it seems anybody ive ever known notices this except for my parents who think im complately normal.

when i do speak my heart pumps, i get butterflies and i mostly mumble nervously.

i get completely embarrassed by looking nervous while speaking to groups or individuals.

i find it excrutiatingly difficult to remember peoples names, not to the regular amount that most people do. for instance the other day i met someone and asked their name three times in 5 mins (thats the record for me, usually twice).

the only people i feel comfortable talking to is my one friend, a few acquaintences and a few exchange students at my uni. i know they wont judge me because they are lonely as well. in school i often spoke to some of the more eccentric types because i knew they would accept me.

ive always been afraid to try new things. when i was little my mum had to ask the teacher at school for me not to do bike education because i was so afraid of learning it. i was scared to tell time until well after the normal age for this and the same with doing up my shoelaces. my mum also used to rescue me from other potential embarrassing things. she once got me out of going on a school camp because i was afraid i would be embarrased by not being able to carry my back pack. i was terrified before i got my first job and am so in any new situation.

i was always afraid to join in school sport despite being reasonably talented at many sports.

i spend all my time at home (i live with my parents and older sister), side from when i go to uni, i dont work (too confronting). i spend all of my time either watching tv or on the internet and manage to excite myself with a great amount of interest in sport.

when i was little i found certain things exciting and obsessed over them, i often liked to cut pictures of football players and put them in scrapbooks. i did this at various times for weeks on end. i had an new obsession all the time first it was toy cars (i know normal, but for me it was like massive obsession). after cars it was basketball cards, after that it was yoyos, but mainly following sport has always kept me from admitting the total sadness of my loneliness

ive always paid extra special attention to my looks. i cant walk down the street without putting gel or fudge in my hair and i only like to wear nice clothes.

the clothes i wear are always teenie type clothes. im not sure whats with that but i think its the fact that im kinda stuck in the past because im scared of growing up.

i often have seemingly completely easy things to do or go to that i worry about for ages and ages beforehand only to back out at the last minute.

ive always felt different to everybody else and am completely intimidated by any accomplished socialiser.

intimate relationships are a huge fear for me, i completely freeze and my mind goes blank when i speak to any girl i like. i also see there as being no possibility that any girl would be able to put up with my patheticness. that i would be a burden for any girl. that after long enough they would get sick of having this burden of a boyfriend.

there are times i try to fight my urge to avoid and end up over-compensating and appearing very confident. but that doesnt last long at all.

i have a huuuuge problem with procrastination. often for uni i will have a presentation to do and not prepare for it until the last moment or dont do assignments, and like block them out of my mind and almost pretend theyre not gonna happen.

as i said it was only until recently that i didnt suspect there was anything the matter with me. until i found out about apd on the net, ive read everything about it, and it describes me unbelievably.

heres the big problem. ive recently been admitted to a private hospital to treat depression and have my social anxiety assessed.

yeah so im in hospital atm and i have a pyschiatrist here and he's currently assessing me. the second time i spoke with him he told me he thinks i probably have social phobia, but there is the possibility of me having two others things. one being body dismorphic disorder (he told me he suspected this when i told him about the always have to look nice thing and after i told him that i had become especially withdrawn lately because i felt i looked tired and unnattrative) and the other possibly he said is that i could have aspergers.

the next few times i saw him i was again nervous and timid and again couldn't share the full details of my life. i lied to him and told him i have a few close friends even though i dont.

i did try desperately to tell him one thing especially. the fact that whenever im in a social situation i am completely focused on what the other person thinks of me. and that i have a complete sensitivity to negative comments. coz theyve been trying to get me to interact with alot with the other inpatients, challenge my anxiety, do cbt and interject when i have the troubling thoughts, but i cant do it and always look for judgement and get hurt when i feel i dont get acceptance.

then the last time i saw him he told me his he thinks his thoughts on it was that his original suspician of aspergers may be right as people with aspergers often find it hard to read others when socialising and tend to avoid speaking to other people they dont understand how to communicate.

i told him i read other people fine but the problem is only that i get devistation from things and comments that are mainly trivial and should not matter. i know its completely irrational but i still get devistated.

atm im still in hospital and im going to have further assessment but at this stage im just flabbergasted he hasnt mentioned the possibility of apd. and im just so frustrated because i have the ability to speak perfectly fine with my immediate family and people who arent socially accomplished.

anyway theres no question to this post im just completely frustrated at this situation and was wondering if anybody had any thoughts.

im contemplating typing up most of what ive written in this post and handing it to him but i fear it would look like im shopping for this illness.

your thoughts???

. You have apd. Not aspergers.

Sounds like Avpd to me. I can definitely sympathize with a lot of what you say. You should show you psychiatrist what you typed here. That would take the pressure of trying to explain it to him verbally away. Then he would be able to help you better. I hope that helps.

Good point, Nutopian.

ok ill do that guys.

You have apd. Not aspergers.

You can have both to some degree (overlap). It is not either this or that. You look at the symptoms and if there's a match, there's a match.

If you can, tell your therapist that you've heard about AvPD. Many don't know it exists, even professionals.

i wrote it all out for him. i dont need to mention apd, he's a highly respected pyschiatrist. he defo doesnt think i have aspergers now, hes gonna get a second opinion, then try cbt to curb my thinking patterns. if that doesnt work i suspect he'll diagnose me with apd.

Good luck. Let us know how you get on.