Any successful intimate relationships for AvPD?

I'm curious if any AvPD (or BPD?) folks have had serious, long term, committed relationships? Is there any hope for me?

I'm diagnosed by a licensed psychologist as AvPD, so no guesswork here.

I'm almost 41 and never married. Longest relationship 3 or 4 years, but extremely rocky, at best...especially at the end. I push/pull so much -- dudes just throw their hands up eventually and just want someone "normal" and wind up marrying the next chick they date...since apparently my issues are so full-blown, *anything* is better than being with me. I know AvPD typically affects males, but I'm a chick and have the same story of growing up with being bullied, made fun of, extremely shy, extremely intelligent, a wicked mother with untreated hyperthyroidism and a codependent, functioning alcoholic father who allowed her to be as uncontrollably mean as she wanted to both him and me until I peaced out of their house at 18. I was sexually abused as a child, as well, by neighbor's sons. And my self esteem has always been very low... Then my first *real* boyfriend was a real piece of ish and his entire family was a lie and that sent me down a very bad emotional path for many years. Anyway, point of this is, in case anyone's unsure of my status, I think it's pretty clear I fit the norm, despite being a female. I have 1 real friend. The only people I hang out with are local barflies... as long as I'm drinking alcohol, I'm social as everyone else. Back at home, or at work, I keep to myself mainly to avoid the eye rolls and shocking looks I receive from being socially awkward and attempting to hide anything about myself by using humor to distract.

I feel I'm losing my will to survive... the only thing keeping me going is I have a 2-year old daughter who is my world. Otherwise, I'm a loner. I just broke up with someone 2 days ago. He's a great guy. But like all my relationships, I eventually catalog all these "red flags" I see until I cannot stand them anymore. Are they real? Yes, but should they be dealbreakers? Well, I don't know since I do this in EVERY relationship it seems most of it is just my AvPD pushing me away from intimacy. I told him on our first date I'm AvPD, and I am not good at relationships. I laid all my stuff out there so he wasn't blindsided. He stayed. And now I've kicked him to the curb for a second time. And I'm hating it inside. I don't want to do this to him (or anyone), but I miss him terribly and know that it is my "issues" that flared up and caused me to overreact to the one person who was trying to show me unconditional love and kindness. He actually wanted to marry me (wtf??? why?!?!).

Just looking for any shred of hope to cling to. Should I just resign myself to the fact I'm forever alone, or is there hope? I am in therapy and read when I can about my disorder to try to help arm myself with knowledge, but it usually just sends me into a downward spiral (boy I'm really f####d up!). I don't want to be crazy cat lady on the corner... I want to be with someone, I want to love someone, I want to be loved back. Is there hope??

I have avoidant and dependent traits, and I have been with my husband for 8 years ( our third year wedding anniversary is coming up).

Unsocial Butterfly wrote:I have avoidant and dependent traits, and I have been with my husband for 8 years ( our third year wedding anniversary is coming up).

Thank you, Butterfly. Congratulations!! How do you both handle your avoidant episodes? Is your hubby just a generally chill guy who can handle it, or do you guys have a plan in place, or does it just blow up and then blow over eventually?

my avoidance does not apply to my husband. I think that since dating and romance are one on one I never got into ruminating over things and avoiding him. I have bigger issues with non romantic relationships... I always just assume people do not want another friend, so I don't even try.

Hey
Well I'm only 19 so I'm probably not the most experienced person here to share their experience but I'll do it anyway.
The longest lasting friendship I had so far lasted 5 years. From my experience, I can tolerate and even to a certain degree enjoy intimacy to an amazingly high degree if the person in charge has proven to be "safe" over longer periods of time.
I once read that Avoidants tend to not have romantic relationships that frequent, and if they do, these relationships tend to be "fragile and strained by conflict". That was a German scientific paper I found online BTW. I can confirm that relationships I have tend to be that way, even though I have had better relationships with people already, but those people have to be tolerant and forgiving regarding my confined social competencies..
I didn't have any romantic relationship yet and it seems like I'm strongly heading towards "forever alone" so to say... so all I talk about are friendships really, just saying...

I've been with my boyfriend for 15 years. He's the only person in the world that I trust and the only person who's never given up on me.

If you ask me, I don't do push-pull. I get codependent, needy and clingy. I'm PULL PULL PULL and that's what all my ex-boyfriends dumped me for. I've never broken up with anyone, I get massively attached and can't let go.

When I asked my boyfriend, he said I mostly do push. Go figure.

If you actually want to be with your man maybe couples therapy would help. A good couples therapist will use attachment theory and that's what your (our) problem is - insecure attachment.

Thanks Kivulitaronyu and AvoidantPenny.

I'm just curious overall if any AvPD folks have had long term, successful relationships. Mainly the PUSH type... like me. First red flag I see and I'm out! push push push.. not sure I'm capable of anything substantial at this point in life. *sigh*

I think there are some deal-breaker items on the table between me and my recent ex-man. I just don't see a way around them, since he and the mother of his children refuse to take the son for a professional examination. The boy is almost 3 and is violent/aggressive. He tried to choke my daughter the first time we went to their house (after several play dates and lunches/dinners at restaurants). My daughter is 2.5 and non-aggressive, at all. Their new babysitter said during week 2 that she would no longer watch their kids because the boy was violent toward her 18 month old.

And the fact my ex said Monday night "I'm in a terrible situation, I'm in love with 2 women" meaning me and his baby mama. That's enough for me.. either you're with me or you aren't.. and if you refuse to get a professional evaluation of your son's temperament and recognize his inability to speak very well at his age (he either has a physical deformity of the mouth/throat or is on the autism spectrum)... then you aren't the best of parents or are turning a blind eye, which is a shame.. I worry that little boy will grow up to be much, much worse and a lifetime riddled with trouble at school, the law, etc. It could all be helped now but they refuse. What's the harm in an evaluation? If they say he's fine.. GREAT. If not, YOU'RE FIXING A PROBLEM. Why don't they get that?

Plus he and his ex have constant drama.. she's rude via text, has tried to start stuff with me, etc.

Just sucks. I fell in love with the father but I realize these issues will always be on the table, and I have zero drama in my life with my child's father.. I need someone else with little drama in their lives, as well, to help keep me balanced.

Overall, though.. am hoping some "push" AvPD folks have been able to manage LTR in some way.. need some hope..

What do you mean by push? What specific behaviours do you consider pushing, and other then aggression what do you consider red flags?

With friends I might pull away if I think I am bothering them, but it is not out of anger.

The aggression in your ex's child is actually the parent's fault...kids are not born that way. They will never take the kid into see a professional, because then they will have to admit that they are probably too controlling and possibly using physical punishment in their parenting style.

By push I mean:

- become cold, distant
- refuse affection/physical contact
- become emotionally isolated
- succumb to anxiety/panic/fear
- make excuses why I need to be alone
- critical inner voice becomes really loud
- find reasons to sabotage the relationship
- lash out at the person
- little things royally piss me off
- pick the person apart (value/devalue)
- the list goes on...and on...

Once I push, and they leave, or I leave, within a day, maybe 3, I "come to" and realize I've been a fool and feel sad and despondent and grasp to hold on to the person. Usually the guy will come back, or allow me back. Only to go through the same cycle again. Once it starts, and progresses, each cycle happens more rapidly than the last... so, while the first may have taken 4 or 5 months, the next will only take 2 months, and then the next 3 weeks, so on, so forth.

As for the parents... yeah, you're right. They believe beating the ish out of a kid's tail is the answer. I don't parent that way.

Okay I've completely changed my mind about your ex, that is not someone you want to be with. Agree that the boy's problems are because of his parents, poor kid is going to end up like us. But you need to put your daughter first. And yourself - I got the impression from your first post that the red flags were things you'd magnified in your head to avoid intimacy/commitment, but the drama and saying he loves two women, ugh. You've done the right thing by breaking up with him.

I do do some of those behaviours you've listed with my boyfriend Mostly the first three but also on the rare occasions I get angry I tend to take it out on him

I think you have hope because you're very self-aware. The next step is to interrupt yourself when you realise you're doing it, although I'm not sure how to do that.