Rejection by the service industry

I don't know if I'm imagining things, but I feel like servers at restaurants never acknowledge me when I'm with other people. Like when I'm having dinner with my parents they'll ask my parents how everything is, but they won't look at/ask me. I could see it if I was a kid, but I'm 30. Could just be a natural tendency to ask the older people in the group. I still feel insulted though.

FragranceOfLilac wrote:I always suspected that friendly cashiers who make small talk are pretending and their smiles are utterly fake. Then again, maybe you hated small talk because you were avoidant, and some cashiers actually like it, because they're bored.

This is the worst. Knowing that people's reactions are different but not knowing which reactions each of them really hides behind their exterior.

Well, from someone who's been on the other side of the cash register, I'd say it really doesn't matter. When you're in work mode, you're kind of on auto pilot. Does someone who stuffs envelopes for a living single out and remember one particular envelope?
And again, I would think that unassuming, quiet avoidant types would be the least likely people to cause a negative reaction from a cashier. No complaining, no small talk (which can get annoying to even talkative, outgoing cashiers). These people make a service worker's job go more quickly and smoothly.

Marble Rye wrote:I don't know if I'm imagining things, but I feel like servers at restaurants never acknowledge me when I'm with other people. Like when I'm having dinner with my parents they'll ask my parents how everything is, but they won't look at/ask me. I could see it if I was a kid, but I'm 30. Could just be a natural tendency to ask the older people in the group. I still feel insulted though.

That could be because when you're taking an order, you want to get it done as quickly as possible. A server has dozens of things to do at the same time, always rushing around, and order-taking is the worst because you have to stop and slow your pace, all the while trying to appear relaxed. An especially withdrawn or quiet person can appear to be more difficult to get an order from, so you might be being "skipped over" because there server just wants to get everybody's order in as quickly as possible, hoping that you're just making up your mind or, better yet, that someone will order for you.

That's the point of view from a nervous, high-strung, quick-to-anger, passive-agressive service worker. Other's with the same occupation may see things a little differently.

Marcus555 wrote:Well, from someone who's been on the other side of the cash register, I'd say it really doesn't matter. When you're in work mode, you're kind of on auto pilot. Does someone who stuffs envelopes for a living single out and remember one particular envelope?
And again, I would think that unassuming, quiet avoidant types would be the least likely people to cause a negative reaction from a cashier. No complaining, no small talk (which can get annoying to even talkative, outgoing cashiers). These people make a service worker's job go more quickly and smoothly.

I admit I don't really understand this. I'm incapable of doing automatic jobs that consist of repeated actions. Tried it, it was a nightmare. That's why I would definitely welcome any distraction if I had to do something like that. Any small talk, whatever, just something to focus my attention on.

I tend to fantasize all the time as an avoidant mechanism, but it can't be done at work if you have to work. So either give me something that I can fully focus my attention on, or I will feel tortured and run away from work in a few hours. Automatic jobs do not engage my mind, I can't focus on them, and an unengaged mind is such a torture for me, it makes me fall into a cycle of fear and being disgusted with myself and makes me feel more depressed. It's always surprising to learn that others function differently and are fine under the same circumstances.

But I kinda used to think that all avoidants would have problems with automatic jobs or situations when their minds aren't busy with something intently. I'm surprised that this is not the case. Don't you need to avoid your own thoughts and emotions?! Sure, depression is a factor in my case, but I thought that avoidance isn't only about avoiding people, it's about avoiding your own self just as well. Avoiding all those hurtful self-deprecating thoughts and feelings.

I have worked in retail, and that look that those cashiers have is really a sign of how much they hate their job. I only really disliked customers who were rude, or made a mess. You would never sit on the papers on someone's desk, so why would you sit on a table full of folded clothes. Not to mention the time someone peed on a pile of clothes in the changed room, and just left.