Boundaries - problem with new friend

Hi

I have a new friend. Someone I like very much and get along with very well. We are like best mates. I feel very at ease and comfortable in their company. (ACT therapy had helped me overcome my usual AvPD traits).

However, this friend is making me feel unwanted with certain parts of their behaviour. It really upsets me. I have made reference to it a couple of times, and even said 'it makes me feel sad'.

This behaviour is getting more frequent and I'm getting upset. It is becoming the only thing I can think about - signs of my obsessive tendencies. I can kinda deal with the thoughts and obsessions but I am finding it difficult to deal with the negative emotions. It makes me cry when I'm on my own.

I find it difficult to understand how someone who says they like me can behave in a way that upsets me.

I think about raising the issue again. But then I think 'who am I to change how they are, who they are'. Or is anyone truly capable of changing what comes naturally.

If I make an issue is it always going to be the 'elephant in the room'? Or are they going to refuse to change and fall out with me.

If they fall out with me have I cut my nose off just to spite my face? Am I better off with a friendship, albeit flawed?

Then I think I that I should make a stand and if not then walk away myself? Then I wonder if that's the real issue? Am I finding it difficult being with a friend? Am I seeking excuses? I look back and I can see how I have found reasons to push people away in the past. I do it with my family, who tolerate it as they think I'm unstable.

Then I think of my borderline father and how he used to love people and then totally hate them. I wonder if I have borderline traits too.

Then I remember my friend and how much we get on and the behaviour I don't like. I know how lonely and needy I am. Is emptiness worth making a stand?

Then I'm hurt, upset and paralysed by doubt and fear. I want to run and hide. I want to stay home forever

Any help it advice?

That's great! A new friend...good on you for putting yourself out there. And to find someone you can feel at ease with, well that's pure awesomeness.

I wonder if their behavior is something that's just getting on your nerves? Or something that makes you truly uncomfortable (something dangerous, illegal, immoral, etc.) Because on the one hand it might be worth taking the bad with the good and working through it. After all, you enjoy their company. On the other hand...well you know the answer to that.

The fact you've been able to express how you feel in a healthy way, (I feel sad when...) is very good I think; not easy. I also think all relationships could be considered flawed in a sense. There's no such thing as perfection in real life, right? Speaking as someone who is trying to overcome perfectionist tendencies myself. No matter how hard you try, a given situation/person will NEVER be perfect - even someone like Mother Theresa.

It is hard to accept that someone can knowingly go on doing something hurtful. Sometimes good people can do bad things, bad people can do good things. I mean, is it a bullying tactic? Are they unable to stop due to their own personal problems? Are they just kind of dense, but with a good heart? If/when you feel comfortable enough with them you could ASK them why they continue.

From your side, are you doing some black or white thinking? Are your expectations reasonable? You could do a little checking on any unhelpful thoughts or cognitive distortions in yourself, see if there are any. Like having a negative filter, or over-generalizing, etc. I think that all we have control of is what we do, think and feel...not what anybody else does.

This a kind of dumb little thing I've used with success in past relationships if someone's pushing one's buttons: say your friend is going on and on about something and it's driving you nuts -like a breakup with a boyfriend. It's the same lines over and over, and it's not doing them any good any longer either. You want to be supportive but enough is enough, right? You gently let them know, hey you need to stop, I can't listen anymore. Then you agree on a code word, say "elephant" - something only you and she would understand. So when she goes off on the same tangent, you can interrupt with something silly like, "Look! did I just see an elephant?" or "you look elephant - er, I mean elegant today." It can be kept a little lighter that way - especially if there's something YOU'RE doing to bug them too, so it's a two-way street - not an attack on them!

I can so relate, I'm up at 1 AM rather than laying in bed ruminating and obsessing. Had to get up after an hour and a half of it! Saw your post, so there's my 2 cents.

Is is possible that your new friend may have mental issues. It is unnerving when you look at at when percentage of the population has a personality disorder...let alone something less severe.

Are you comfortable explaining what types of boundaries they are crossing? Like is it asking questions that too personal, visiting you without an invite, or subtly insulting you?

I don't know if you are currently in one on one therapy right now, but my therapist has been a great resource for figuring out boundaries. I am learning that my old boundaries were terrible. I used to accept a lot of abusive behavior, and also assume a lot of neutral was negative.

My friend has the habit of cancelling at short notice and not retuning phone calls or messages for days or weeks at a time.

When I ask about it I get loads of different excuses. I've been full of cold was one! Or I haven't had time was another. They had a mystery sleeping illness was yet another. But they assure me they want to meet and rearrange. When we finally meet we get on fabulously.

When I look back at all the reasons given, they seem excuses. And given the lack of reply from messages, I wondered if they really wanted my friendship.

After originally posting this I got another apology for being out of touch for so long. I pointed out that it bothered me.

Their response was to send me a long email with more excuses. Cancelling our next meeting and saying this was the best they could do. Then ignored my messages for a week. I did offer to listen to whatever issues or problems they have.

Now, apparently they have come down with a virus which has unbalanced their diabetes and they will not be well enough to meet for at least two months. They also have thyroid problems and are depressed. They say that that this has happened to them before and it can take ages to recover. Because of this they will get back in touch with me when they are well.

I'm gutted. Am I paranoid to doubt? Can't help feeling fobbed off. Felt they were shutting the door on me and using excuses to do it.

Off to lick my wounds.

I'm sure they have mental health issues, and I shouldn't take it personally. But I'm just upset.

The only other friend I have is over opinionated. This person was a breath of fresh air.

Ah well ..... :'(

Just realised, I'm gonna be hoping and praying for the next two months...or more that they'll be in touch! God that's awful! It would have been easier for them to just end the friendship. And when, eventually I realise that they have forgotten me, then I'll be upset and hurt all over again!

Harrumph! That's insult to injury.....

Reminds me why I've avoided opening up before..........

From what you have said it sounds like it is something to do with your friend, and you shouldn't blame yourself. Is it possible that they are you getting together with you to vent their issues? If you were both venting it would be good, but don't let it be one sided. You don't need to any aniexty or stress onto your life.

I have dealt with this type of situation with my closest friend. It started after I confronted her about some very abnormal behaviour, but she eventually got over it. It took me a long time not to take it personally. I think you should decide how much of this flakiness you can deal with, because that is going to be a huge avoidance trigger.

Are you always initialing the plans? If you are, then you could try waiting for her to invite you out.

Have been going thru something similar with feelings about my friend for the last couple months. She seems healthy mentally, "normal" BTW. I'm still battling with myself to keep my emotions about it under control at times. In my case I think it's been a matter of being able to recognize her boundaries, as well as determining what I can and can't put up with. Apologies to you if my previous reply offended you in any way -- it was only an attempt to be helpful but I'm not very good at figuring out what people need or are actually saying. Like do they just need to vent or really looking for advice, or what? I'm way out of practice. I was trying to explain some of the things I'm doing to try to work through it.

But yeah, after I don't hear from her in a week or so I get teary about it - I get so lonely. For a while there I think I was bugging her, being clingy, not recognizing hints she was giving that it was too much. Now, after I've come right out and said how lonely I feel, and she hasn't attempted to contact me any more often (or any less, btw)...I've felt hurt and disillusioned about her and people in general. So, trying to deal with that as well. It's so hard for me not to just totally withdraw from the friendship.

I'd very much like to keep her in my life because I need a friend. I have zero family. She has really gone out of her way to be there for me at times. I think she's a positive example. To help me learn to think and behave in a more healthy way. We've had some fun times together, even though we're polar opposites in personality. We've been friends for about 5 years which is almost a new record for me. Since your situation involves a new friend, maybe that's way different.

So now I make sure we're taking turns about who initiates contact. I will call her and suggest a get-together. Then it's her turn. If it's 2 weeks until she does, so be it. I try to be mindful of how long she waits and wait a similar time before it's my turn again - roughly speaking. Don't know for a fact if that's correct behavior on my part - but I don't want to go from the extreme of just totally dropping her or being too clingy, I'm sure that's not good.

If you get along with someone very well, the chances that this person has a personality disorder are very high. I suspect one guy who I recently met to have OCPD. First I thought that he might be bipolar, but he is more of an orderly dictator who makes a fuss about little things, so I suspect him to have OCPD. He is certainly not a normie. I would say that all people I got along with in my life were some sort of weirdoes with emotional issues. If they are not diagnosed, then they don't control their behaviour, as they don't see that it is linked to a disorder. The person should try to understand herself/himself well with a help of psychological help and learn how to maintain healthy relationships with proper boundaries.

Thank you for all the replies and messages. I really appreciate it.

I know that they have issues, I can recognise that. They were pulling away for a while and it doesn't matter what I did, it would have reached this point any way. I don't blame myself. Instead I'm glad I stood my boundaries and prevented further hurt to myself. I could have let myself in for a lot more rejection if I'd not raised the issue.

I do feel a big gap though and I totally miss them even though it's less than a week. They've told me that they're under a lot of pressure, and that they wouldn't be a very nice person for a while. So they've let me go.

They hinted that they might be in touch 'later in the year' but I think they'll be so lost and dealing with their issues that I'll never hear from them again. And I need to accept that. I definitely need to stop ruminating about them, about what's happened and about what's going to happen!

It's very sad. I miss them. It makes me feel lonely.... Very lonely

Right.... Sorry for wallowing.... I'll stop wittering on about it.

SB x

I'm just wondering.. is this a male or female friend? I apologize if I missed it, but I don't think you said? You just said "they". I'm not sure if it makes a real difference or not since it's a friendship and no sort of romantic relationship, right?