APD, self-consciousness, depression

I mean, I'm very self-conscious in the sense that I question everything, and question my questioning (the others doesn't like me because I am worthless, I am not able to do anything at all. No, wait a minute, this is my phatological thinking: it not represent reality, and you know it! But I still feel it as if it were true! Maybe it's true, after all. But I'm really thinking what I believe I'm thinking or I convinced myself somehow that I'm thinking that? ...) But my thinking is very circular, obsessive and self-referenced, it stuck me in a circular loop: in the end it is always about myself and how I am perceived by the others, if the others care about me or not, if I am worthless, useless... I'm inundated by so many intrusive, not-related-to -what's-happening thoughts every time and especially when I'm around people, so much that I can't live the moment in itself for what it is. So, I enjoy nothing, I crave every second for something that there isn't, to be in another place, to be different because I hate myself, I can't understand why I'm so different from the others, why my mind can't leave me alone. Every once in a while I go in the depression pit where I rest, completely defeated, for days.

I have been diagnosed recently whith APD, but I feel there have to be something else too. I can relate to the desease, every point of it... I have a long way to go with my therapist...

sorry for the fragmented ramblings... english is not my language, too. I don't know if this topic has a point or not. Maybe some users could relate with what I wrote.

Hi mixed case
Sorry to hear you are feeling like this.

I think I know what you mean, I get cycles of anxiety and self doubt. The pattern with me is that these thoughts and bad anxiety seem to last very badly for a few days then lessen and if feel ok for a few days only for the same feelings to come back a few days later,
This cycle of thought is very tiring..

I know this sounds simplistic but I now at least recognize when these feelings are coming and that they will lift. I try to appreciate the good things round me even if it's just the beauty of nature and i live in a city or the kindness of another person. This can help me sometimes

you have been brave and done the right thing in getting help.
May take some time to feel better but hopefully you will get coping strategies to deal with avpd and any other issues. You have encouraged me to open up a bit more which I also am finding this forum useful

Good luck to you please let us know how the therapy is progressing and whether it is helpful to you