Relationships with nons

I was wondering about your relationships/friendships with nons. If they are close, they obviously figure out that something is not completely normal with you. How do you explain yourself and your behaviours without coming out? Do you have anybody whom you could confine in? How did they react when you told them that you have AvPD?

I guess I'm lucky? that no one close to me is very intrusive into my personal life. I'm sure they have some thoughts about me, but I'm not really interested in what they are. The only person I've opened up to is a therapist I've been seeing for the past couple months. I like that she is kind of bound by a code of ethics not to reveal stuff about me to other people.

I've always just been considered to be a bit odd, really. People don't tend to look beyond that. They don't tend to expect you've got a diagnosable condition.

My only friend thinks I'm a bit flaky or over emotional. I've tried to explain that there something wrong with me deep down. I think that I tried to explain it as ' my programming was all wrong'. To be honest, she didn't care. By which I mean she was more interested in herself and telling me how wrong I was and how she's got life sussed. Nice!

My other acquaintances accept that I suffer from really strong anxieties. Some of the more sympathetic ones understand that life has shaped me like that. There are one or two who I've explained my social anxiety/avoidance too.

I have one work who I can turn to when I'm triggered. She kinda understands. One of her family members has quite bad health anxiety, and can have strong compulsive and irrational, out-of-proportion behaviours. So she can relate when I'm triggered by something that wouldn't bother a non AvPD person. I don't lean on her too much though and I usually only speak to her as a safety valve.

I've raised the issue of a PD with a couple of my family. One completely dismissed the idea, my mum agreed that it was possible. She apologised for allowing me to be in a toxic environment as a child.

I've had a couple of breakdowns at work. One I described as depression. The second as anxiety. I did try and discuss it with my supervisor at the time, hoping to get support, but he just paid me lip service and piled the work on nonetheless.

I'd love to be able to just say to people that I act this way because I have AvPD. I feel it'd offer some explanation. It may also mean I'm less anxious and less triggered, if they understood about my behaviour. However, I think the stigma of mental illness means that there would be negative consequences. And the perception of what a PD is doesn't help. My perception is that most people equate a PD with a psychopath or sociopath. So I would be very sceptical about telling anyone, for fear of being judged, misconceptions or prejudice.

I suppose until were push the boundaries, and expose ourselves and stand up, we won't change or challenge those opinions. Avoidants aren't really good at that though. By our very nature we'd rather stew in our juices. I do feel quite strongly that we shouldn't feel ashamed of who or what we are. But never enough to overcome doubt and fear.

Can I ask why do you ask the question? Do you confide in anyone?

I'd really like to hear any positive experiences. What did you say? How did they react? Did it help or improve things?

I ask, because I wish I could talk to someone about it, not just a shrink (and usually I don't get along well with them). I would like to have someone who would not judge me based on my PD, but it would be easier for that person to understand my behaviours. But can you really trust someone with this? Imagine that this person would seem as understanding during the conversation, but after some time when you are in conflict with that person, they would use that information against you. This is what I fear the most.

I do not tell people that I have AvPD because I don't think it's something that the average person I know would understand or care to try to understand.

If I feel the need to explain to someone why I sometimes appear like an "odd duck", I will use more standard, mainstream descriptive phrases so that people can hopefully get a general idea/framework of why I might act the way that I do. For example, things like...anxiety and OCD runs in my family...I grew up in an abusive environment...I grew up in a very dysfunctional family...I grew up in a very sheltered environment where we did not have regular interaction with people...things of that sort. People seem to somehow better understand that these types of experiences can shape and/or scar a person on a deep emotional/psychological/mental level.

I met up with an online friend a few years ago, at something that was a common interest. I am sure I appeared "weird" but she's a very nice person who suffers from some extreme depression herself. I only found that out because we both belong to a very small, private forum.

However, let's face it, even though we might suffer from a PD we don't necessarily think that somebody else's behavior is due to their own anxiety or issues.. I end up thinking it's because they don't like me.

I did realize that I need a lot of practice in learning how to act around other people. I am perhaps unusual in the fact that I'm so scared of uncomfortable silences I attempt to fill them and usually end up saying something I regret.

My normal behavior would be to disappear, but I was hoping I might be forgiven and it looks like that is what happened. This was a victory for me.

jamberrypie, I like your idea. It looks like it's been successful for you too.

I have a huge problem with this as well, and I think it's one of the reasons that sometimes people feel uncomfortable around me. This year, I've spent a lot of time trying to combat this, especially in the work environment. It's almost the end of year 2015, and I think I've made some improvements in this area.

skyflyz wrote: I did realize that I need a lot of practice in learning how to act around other people. I am perhaps unusual in the fact that I'm so scared of uncomfortable silences I attempt to fill them and usually end up saying something I regret.

jamberrypie wrote:I have a huge problem with this as well, and I think it's one of the reasons that sometimes people feel uncomfortable around me. This year, I've spent a lot of time trying to combat this, especially in the work environment. It's almost the end of year 2015, and I think I've made some improvements in this area.

If you don't mind, how have you been tackling this issue?

I don't have what I would call a close relationship with any nons. Even my relationship with my parents I wouldn't call close. In a way I feel like you can't have a close relationship with someone without them knowing. If they don't know, just how close is that relationship really?

I don't have any close relationships with anyone besides family who's in my daily life. My family knows about my issues and are very supportive but it's still hard for them to grasp all the implications. Two of my siblings are married and the other one is about to be. This seems to shine a light on the fact that I never have a relationship. People used to ask me if I had a girlfriend but now they know I just get embarrassed, so most people have stopped asking.

I had male friends growing up through high school and a few friendships that were close into college. I have since moved back to my hometown while they're still there so I don't talk or see them ever anymore. I don't meet a lot of people my age anymore.