Not sure if the correct diagnosis

Recently, I was diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder.

I think this is a fairly accurate diagnosis in many respects. I am sensitive to criticism and I spend a lot of time in isolation. I feel inadequate often, and any of my accomplishments do not seem like much.

Except, I can be very forthright, and when angered I can be brash with people, or simply direct and to the point. I am also known to be critical. However, I only seem to express criticisms to people I know, friends or family.

And, as another example, I was very forward with my boss a few months ago when I asked for a raise. However, when my boss was stressed out and critical of me I spent a great deal of time being avoidant and not being able to handle her negative emotions.

I don't know how I can be avoidant and also sometimes direct to confront people if they are doing something I don't like. I can also be opinionated and I try not to express this or curb it somewhat to be polite. Concern about not being liked is there but this often does not prevent me from telling someone sincerely how I think or feel about something.

This seems antithetical to what AvPD are like because from my understanding they don't share their negative feelings with others, nor do they have the courage to ask for a raise for fear of rejection.

I was also diagnosed with Asperger's and I'm not sure if or to what extent this influences how AvPD is expressed or not.

Any thoughts are much appreciated.

That actually sounds just about right. Avoidant people tell it like it is. Because we don't speak up about things that bother us, it builds up until we snap. And then, of course, we are immensely guilty and ashamed of our behavior.

That actually sounds just about right. Avoidant people tell it like it is. Because we don't speak up about things that bother us, it builds up until we snap. And then, of course, we are immensely guilty and ashamed of our behavior.

That makes a lot of sense, actually.

I have a pattern that whenever I drink around family I will let slip some sarcastic or critical comment that is a little more intense than I usually express. Then, I apologise the next day and feel really guilty about it. I feel abashed and with self loathing and become depressed for several days.

It's gotten to the point where I have reached the conclusion to not drink at all around certain people because they bring forth too many negative emotions that I can't hold in, particularly if I am spending more than a few hours in their presence. I'm often a little sarcastic with family at times, but I think it's just the tip of the iceberg for particular individuals who greatly hurt me as a child and I've never recovered.

If I ever let myself express the wrongs committed against me in childhood, all the neglect I experienced, it would be utterly terrifying. I don't bother to say anything about it because I have before and I know those individuals would leap to the defensive and would not take responsibility for their actions. It would be a complete waste of my time. So, I compartmentalise around certain people. I pretend that they are a different person, or that they have greatly changed from the person who hurt me in the past, but the dislike and the anger is always there under the surface, and while I can be friendly, every so often it comes out as slightly biting sarcasm.

You know you have the right to not be around the people who were abusive to you in the past, even if they're family. If they trigger you, you'll get something similar to, or even a full blown case of, PTSD. I don't know what's going on with you, obviously. But that's something to think about.

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inverse wrote:You know you have the right to not be around the people who were abusive to you in the past, even if they're family. If they trigger you, you'll get something similar to, or even a full blown case of, PTSD. I don't know what's going on with you, obviously. But that's something to think about.

I did have one traumatic episode around 3 years ago when I went on a road trip with my dad. I was on antidepressants at the time, so for some reason I felt I would emotionally be able to handle it. I'm not completely innocent either, and sarcastic comments came out a few times. I was then pushed and pushed and pushed with petty comments as though he was trying to provoke me. I warned him to back off more than a few times, a few times yelling very loudly for him to "shut up". What caused the levy to break was when he took the opportunity to feel indignant at this disrespect in being told to "shut up" and criticized me, and then I attacked him (we were trapped in the vehicle, and we were both passengers ). I later kept saying "I want to go home, I want to go home" over and over . I even said that I would rather just take a bus home so I didn't have to see his stupid face ever again, but somehow my boyfriend talked me out of it. My dad later expressed concern that I have anger issues, but I have been tested and found to fit within the normal range for anger expression-- no other person would be able get me to that state of rage. I was deeply troubled, upset and angry about the experience. I don't know if I got PTSD from it, but it certainly was an emotionally volatile moment for me. I recently read over the journal entry about the event in recollection of it, and was crying a lot.

He is apologetic about some of the things he had done in the therapy session following the event, and I think this has done some good to add clarity. I do think he is a good person, for the most part. Some of my difficulties in dealing with him has to do with what I believe to be his autism (lack of understanding other people's emotions and responding accordingly). However, sometimes he can be rather controlling and he does have some mildly manipulative characteristics in ways I can't describe. Sometimes he does it without even realising it, while other times it is intentional. It's not so much sociopathic as it is parentally domineering.

Our relationship is functional now, but I feel it's not great-- outsiders seeing us having dinner together or at an event would never think anything was wrong. He assumes that it's all water under the bridge and things are mostly fine now. I'm not even certain if any amount of apologies is going to change my feelings about him at some primal level, however. I have told him that I cannot engage in discussions and especially arguments about the past unless there is a therapist present because otherwise things could become very volatile, and thankfully he has respected that.

We can maintain good relations over the short term, but I will never, ever go on a roadtrip or otherwise spend more than a day or so in his presence. So, the short answer is I have a good relationship with him so long as we set boundaries and limitations. Sometimes I am able to have good discussions with him also. I used to think he was evil or at least a horrible person, and now I think he's a person who means well but sometimes can be a real jerk, and he holds his ego and reputation in defending himself to the point where arguing is futile.

Honestly, though, most of my family members to a far lesser extent trigger me in some way, and to avoid all of them would not be a healthy thing and simply make my avoidant tendencies worse.

It's great you're setting limits. That can be very hard for avoidants, who sometimes tend to think that people are all or nothing, take them in their entirety without question or have no contact at all.

I get that people aren't perfect, and that some triggering people are much more easy to deal with than others Just ramp up the self care techniques when you're around them to counteract their triggering natures. ("Just" - I make it sound so easy - sorry.) If you're prepared for what will come when you're around them, and can brace yourself for it, then absolutely there are people who's positives outweigh their negatives, and you'll want to be around them from time to time.

inverse wrote:It's great you're setting limits. That can be very hard for avoidants, who sometimes tend to think that people are all or nothing, take them in their entirety without question or have no contact at all.

I get that people aren't perfect, and that some triggering people are much more easy to deal with than others Just ramp up the self care techniques when you're around them to counteract their triggering natures. ("Just" - I make it sound so easy - sorry.) If you're prepared for what will come when you're around them, and can brace yourself for it, then absolutely there are people who's positives outweigh their negatives, and you'll want to be around them from time to time.

My ultimate pet peeve about this forum is that if you take any longer than like five minutes to write a reply it will ask you to log in and you lose all that you have typed. I was able to recover it last time, but not this time. I will send another reply later. From now on I'm saving this stuff in word first. Uggggggggh...

My ultimate pet peeve about this forum is that if you take any longer than like five minutes to write a reply it will ask you to log in and you lose all that you have typed. I was able to recover it last time, but not this time. I will send another reply later. From now on I'm saving this stuff in word first. Uggggggggh...

You might want to write it somewhere else, like in notepad and then paste it unless using a phone. I'm sure there is a good reason for the timeout but it can erase your post if you took a while to write it.

Ticking "Log me in automatically" will help too. I use copy/paste with a text or word document as well. Sometimes using the back button on your browser will allow you to have it back.

It is a security thing, yes.

I'm much more certain that I have AvPD now. A couple days ago, I sent an invitation to my cousins years after a falling out with my mother and her siblings. (It was drama that had nothing to do with my cousins or me, only our parents and grandparent.)

I sent an invite for them to visit me in my house to be friendly and to put the drama behind us since we're all now independent adults. I expected that not one person would reply, and none have yet. I will be extremely surprised if they say anything at all. I only thought it would be a nice gesture regardless, so that's why I sent it.

Then I spent the past few days feeling like garbage and felt it would have been better to simply not say anything. I had a complete emotional breakdown over something that made no sense to be that upset over. The invitation shows bravery that makes me go beyond AvPD to some extent, but the rejection and expectation that nobody cares about me and I have no extended family made me very upset.