Problem with Therapist

I haven't been diagnosed with AvPD.
I can’t bring it up the subject of AvPD with my therapist. I can’t speak freely most of the time because I fear his evaluation. Sometimes I feel hopeless there, but I can’t share that with him. I don’t see him as safe enough, but I can’t tell him that either. I want to know what he thinks about me and AvPD, but I keep thinking that I really don’t tell him enough about myself for him to be able to know for sure [ironic]. I feel like he’s not sure about me at all, and that he’s just confused. If he thinks nothings wrong with me I won’t know how to deal with it, because I really think something is wrong.

I actually brought up how I thought I needed to learn how to have a conversation. If I bring up the topic of how I can’t say what I really want to say I know it will go nowhere and he will become frustrated, because the problem is- not being able to talk about the problem- although that’s what we would be doing . . .

I guess the problem is that the problem is in my head. And how to solve that? eh . . .
A while back I tried to bring this up and I felt him become frustrated.

Maybe I should change therapists. But that would be scary and possibly turn out worse. I’m not sure what to do now. Any input would be really appreciated.

I know what an impossible situation this is.

I’m kind of in a similar situation. However, I’ve told my therapist that I have APD. He didn’t look into it at all until I brought it up a second time. He just couldn't see until I gave him examples real to me. Then he saw it, and he realized he has other patients that are APD as well (Guess its hard to see one when we APDs never show how we really feel ). But anyways, for an AP to share something like that it’s almost like it has to be forced out. Not by the therapist, but by themselves. Something has to happen to make that risk of rejection, embarrassment, and misinterpretation worth taking.

The big thing about APD is its going to take time to work at it. ( Lots of time… ) As much as we may want to share and disclose, what ends up happening is we have to wait till it’s forced out. Something has to happen that makes us feel like there is nothing else left to do. That something can be lots of things; maybe it’s just time; maybe its problems with work or relationships escalating to the point of hopelessness; maybe something completely different.

When something finally pushes us to share a part of us it feels great; especially when that break-through is shared with someone who can help. But not to long after the feeling is gone and it starts all over again. As far as I know this is what seems to be the pattern until trust is no longer an issue. Someone you’re able to have complete trust in seems to be what I’m looking for, and I assume others around here are too. A relationship like one has with a therapist probably isn’t ever going to be one of complete trust. But that doesn’t mean they are useless in the pursuit of someone to trust. During a “break-through” they can be most helpful as to what your feelings and thoughts mean and why you have them. And when you’re feeling hopeless at least you know they are there; an “Ear for rent”.

The breaking point that allowed me to say I have APD was, coincidently, when I found out about APD. Like many here, I read the definitions and descriptions and knew right away THIS IS ME! Similarly to you, in the past I feared I would be told nothing was wrong with me if I were to reach out. However when I found out about APD, I had proof something was wrong! I had a name and no matter how scared or reluctant I felt I had to share it in hope of help.

If you are afraid he won’t see the APD in you because he does not have a lot of information to work with, tell him things you have done that are examples of the APD descriptions.

I’ll give you one: “Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked”.

About four months ago I quit my job at the local grocery store because of stress and depression. I had recently been coming in late a lot and calling in sick as well. So, when I quit it was very abrupt and sudden. Since then I have given myself a very hard time about not being dependable and for quitting without a two week notice. I really regretted quitting but I couldn’t even go back to shop I was so ashamed and fearful.

Just last week my brother applied for a job down at the same store. When he came back he said the store manager missed seeing me around and that he thought I was a great employee. So what do I do? First thing next morning I go down and apply to get my job back. I was still very worried, but I knew that I was welcome. My therapist and I had a good laugh at that because it really is so typical of and AP.

Hopefully your therapist is right for you, and he will understand where you’re coming from as you open up. I know what its like to have a therapist frustrated with you, and wondering if you should find someone else. It’s going to happen, but try not to get down on yourself for not sharing how you feel, the fact that it takes time cannot be stressed enough for AP’s. I really hope you find this helpful. Its all opinion, but I think a lot of us here feel the same and can relate.

Lo wrote:I can’t speak freely most of the time because I fear his evaluation.

A few months ago I had the same problem. I had already told my therapist about AvPD, but I still felt very nervous every time I went to see him. Just like you, I didn't think that I could really trust him.

We had a short break because he felt that we weren't getting anywhere due to my procrastination and inability/refusal to take some difficult steps. After a few weeks he e-mailed me and in my response I managed to tell him about the trouble I had opening up to him. It was a relief to have told him, just to have him know the difficulties I had just being there and talking to him. He also asked me how he could make it easier for me. I'm still not that happy to go there every time, but it's a little easier at least.

I also considered changing therapists, but I'm not sure if the problem is specific to this one or if it's something I'm going to experience with any therapist.

So, Lo, maybe you could try writing down everything that bothers you and showing it to him on paper, or by e-mail if you have his address.

Thanks for all the feedback.
I’m actually going to see my therapist very soon.

I really like the idea of writing it down. I think I’m better at writing than talking anyway.
But first I’ll try to force myself to say it out loud.
I think I can do it If my therapist is going to be frustrated with me anyway there’s nothing to lose really . . . or so I’m trying to convince myself.

Iconoclast wrote: As much as we may want to share and disclose, what ends up happening is we have to wait till it’s forced out. Something has to happen that makes us feel like there is nothing else left to do. That something can be lots of things; maybe it’s just time; maybe its problems with work or relationships escalating to the point of hopelessness; maybe something completely different.

With me, my romantic relationships just seem way out there and are causing me a lot of stress. So I’ll try to start there, and then bring up AvPD. Hopefully my therapist will help by trying to force it out of me.

Gentleman Geek wrote:So, Lo, maybe you could try writing down everything that bothers you and showing it to him on paper, or by e-mail if you have his address.

I’ll try both. Write and Speak.
If talking fails me this time, then I’ll write it down.

Thanks again.
Maybe writing this down here will help me to actually do these things.

I’ll update soon hopefully.

This thread reminds me so much of when I started seeing my therapist, about 12 months ago.

We had a short break because he felt that we weren't getting anywhere due to my procrastination and inability/refusal to take some difficult steps. After a few weeks he e-mailed me and in my response I managed to tell him about the trouble I had opening up to him. It was a relief to have told him, just to have him know the difficulties I had just being there and talking to him.

Almost the exact same thing happened with me and my therapist, after about 3 months she said that I was improving, and there's nothing more she can do. I eventually rang her a month or 2 later to book another appointment, and I wrote down a lot of the things I just couldn't say. Honestly, I was so anxious when she was reading what I had written, but looking back, it was an ice-breaker I guess, and I slowly started opening up more.

Lo - You could combine the speaking and writing by writing what you want to say, then reading it out to your therapist? I do that when I see her now, it helps me get my mind off things when I'm writing them down, and I don't have to remember as much.

Reading this thread made me feel good because recently I posted on another forum about APD and people told me they didn't think that I had APD. I felt absolutely terrible after that and edited what I wrote, though what I wrote was mostly about about depression/anxiety that I experience, so I really shouldn't be upset.

What I'm experiencing can't be normal and I don't see how it can be anything else. I know I'm young but I don't see this getting any better in the future, only worse. It will get much worse when I go away to college and don't know anybody, because I wont be able to make friends.

I was just thinking "maybe I don't have apd... maybe its all just me being an idiot... its all my fault". It was just really frustrating and it'd be terrible if a therapist told me I didn't have it and what I'm feeling is normal. I'm not happy at all.

Ghost08 wrote:Reading this thread made me feel good because recently I posted on another forum about APD and people told me they didn't think that I had APD. I felt absolutely terrible after that and edited what I wrote, though what I wrote was mostly about about depression/anxiety that I experience, so I really shouldn't be upset.

What I'm experiencing can't be normal and I don't see how it can be anything else. I know I'm young but I don't see this getting any better in the future, only worse. It will get much worse when I go away to college and don't know anybody, because I wont be able to make friends.

I was just thinking "maybe I don't have apd... maybe its all just me being an idiot... its all my fault". It was just really frustrating and it'd be terrible if a therapist told me I didn't have it and what I'm feeling is normal. I'm not happy at all.

I'm really sorry they said that. My number one greatest fear about APD has been that fear of rejection if I said I had it. I was so afraid if I told someone they would say being able to talk about it is not characteristic of an AP. I know exactly what it is like to feel like maybe they are right, and I am just lazy. I don’t think that’s true one bit for myself though, and I wouldn't let anyone over the internet tell me otherwise as well. Only you and those you let close can tell, and if it feels real to you, then yes, you are not just being lazy.

Lately I’ve felt this even more. Now that I am aware of my APD, and I know how it affects me and what causes it I’ve been trying to reach out a lot more than usual. I’m really hoping I’ll find someone who will be my friend and help me. It’s left me very open to feelings of rejection though. I’m almost brutally honest with anyone now. If it comes up I tell people I’ve dropped out of school. If I’m feeling bad I try very hard to say so rather than tell them things are fine. And just today at work I mentioned APD to a co-worker. School came up so I told him I dropped out. Then he asked why and I said among other things APD had a lot to do with it. I don’t think he knew what it is, but he was very supportive about getting a GED. My advice is to try and open up a bit more when you feel you can. I just do it almost all the time because I’m getting very desperate. Lots of people won’t look deeper; they won’t ask why. But rather than getting down about being judged I advise ignoring those people. They just aren’t in a position or mind set to be helpful and supportive of your needs. You’ve got to move on till you find someone who is.

As for writing things down and sharing them with someone, that has been working pretty well for me. Now that my psychologist knows I have APD I find it even harder to talk during our sessions. Probably because telling him has made me even more vulnerable and I am still afraid I could be told nothing is wrong with how I'm feeling. Email has helped a lot though. I have no problem talking when I'm asked questions, but therapists understandably have a hard time asking the right questions when APs find it hard to share any information at all. Every now and then I'll hit one of my "break-through" moments. Usually around 4am on a night when I'm too depressed to sleep. At these times I feel most in tune with my feelings, and I feel a great need to share them. So I spend a couple hours just pouring out anything about how I'm feeling that I can, and I email it to my psychologist. He has a lot more to work with after that, and he asks a lot more of the right kinds of questions.

Email works best for me just because I’m terrified of my reading skills being judged, and I hate being around when my writing is being read. Hopefully we’ve helped, and things are going well with your therapist. Good luck.