Anxiety about girls finding out I'm attracted to them

27??? You're in the same age bracket as those college girls.

Man I'm the same -- purposefully or accidentally showing attraction to someone else makes me uncomfortable.

I've been this way ever since I was a kid, and I believe your right about this maybe being caused by rejection in childhood. I can remember one time during Junior School (UK); where someone I liked found out I liked them and I was insta-rejected before I even said a word, stuff like that stays with you forever. This same fear stays with me to this day, no doubt that past events played a part in this, but at the same time I think this fear is sort of 'innate' for me anyway.

I'm currently 18, and I'm also attracted to (somewhat) younger girls, youthfulness is an attractive trait and I don't see anything wrong with it. The thing is though, for me the age of the person I'm attracted to has nothing to do with how worried I'll feel about them knowing I'm attracted to them. I'm worried all the same regardless. I can see your dilemma though, being older but your preference remaining the same sounds difficult. But as NimplyDinply said, I don't think the age range is 'wrong' in anyway, as you get older the 'socially acceptable' age range gets larger anyhow.

"Seriously, in situations where I notice pretty girls, I would often interpret their behavior as trying to avoid me, and assume they must have somehow caught me looking at them or something, even in situations where I barely glanced." -- I know what you mean, I feel the same way, seeing subtle signs that they know this.... But there's no real way to know for sure.

At the end of the day I think it comes at least partially down to self-esteem -- do you see yourself as unlikable? If so, it would make sense that you're fearful about them finding out you're attracted to them, because you are worried over the fact that they will think your creepy/unlikable, because you see yourself as unlikable. This is contrasted to someone with high self-esteem who sees themselves as very likable: if they thought the girl they were attracted to found out about the attraction, the guy wouldn't feel any worry because he doesn't think she thinks he's creepy, due to a positive self-view. (hopefully that made some vague sense).

I'd imagine it's an Avoidant trait, but it also exists outside of AvPD.

I can totally relate to this. Except I'm a girl and I am nervous around men. It's great now because I am married, but I may have missed out on some really good relationships because of this anxiety for being rejected. The more intense the feelings I had the more anxiety I felt. I didn't really feel this way with my husband but maybe in someways I go for younger and less attractive because there is less fear if I'm rejected. I've always dated younger men but not much younger. My ex was only a day younger, my husband is almost 4 months younger and the intense old crush was 5 months younger.

With this old crush I went as far as to date his old friend because he was easy. I did have to work for the relationship because he came to me and instantly wanted to have kids get a house and get married. I avoided going go the guy I actually liked because I actually had feelings for him and therefore the fear of rejection was a lot higher. In a lot of ways he was in the exact same position as me with my friend and avoided me for probably the same reason. So we ruined each other's chances of ever dating because of the bro code or girl code what not. Plus while in the process of dating his friend that friend got me pregnant. I stayed with him before getting pregnant to be around the other guy but I trusted the guy I was seeing not to knock me up but when he did he said it wasn't a big deal cause he just knew we were going to stay together. I love my daughter but I knew in that moment I could never get the guy I really wanted to I stayed with the guy as long as I could tolerate him to be around the guy I liked and for our kid. We always flirted and had a really strong connected. When my daughters father and o finally separated I could tell the guy I really liked really wanted me too. It was the most intense connection of my life but we both avoided it too because we knew it would cause tension in our friendships.

I feel a lot of regret now and I know he does too. We still talked but we are very careful not to flirt or cross any lines. Just joke around and I try to bring up talking to him to my husband because I'm so paranoid he would figure it out anyways lol the avoidant in me could never cheat or steal or anything because it would cause too much anxiety lol anyways so I still have vivid dreams about this other guy and I tell myself it's because of a deep friendship connection and nothing more and that's what I want to feel and avoid any other thoughts. I feel like the worst wife ever when I do dream about him because my husband is actually awesome. He treats me so well and I would be extremely foolish to ever let him go. Also the unknown is not worth the potential anxiety is it? It never is. So many unknowns that I can't ignore. What if the other guy is secretly a horrible person and would treat me like sh*t?

Sorry for rant there. It's nice to type it out when I can tell people how I feel because it wouldn't make any sense to anyone else. Does anyone else feel like their life would be so different if they didn't feel the need to avoid everything with any potential disappointment? I feel like I've made the safest possible choices for everything in my life.

justbreathe88 wrote:Sorry for rant there. It's nice to type it out when I can tell people how I feel because it wouldn't make any sense to anyone else. Does anyone else feel like their life would be so different if they didn't feel the need to avoid everything with any potential disappointment? I feel like I've made the safest possible choices for everything in my life.

I know just how you feel. I couldn't take the pain of a relationship I really wanted falling apart, so it was easier to date guys I didn't care that much about -- not fair to them, not fair to me, and a disaster in the long run. I did once take a big chance with somebody after many years of avoiding the possible pain. It didn't work out, and I thought the pain would just kill me when we broke up. But it didn't, and you know what, I don't regret it for one single second. At least I tried, and I never have to live with the "what-if".

Like I said, it is likely based in my early experiences with girls and is aggravated by the feminist propaganda which is so prevalent today.

born in the wrong generation, are we?

wodienjong wrote:Does anyone else feel this way?

Yes, all my life. I too feel like if I show that I'm attracted, they will never develop interest in me for sure or will lose it outright. Like it's the worst thing I can do.

In truth, it's not like that. One man I almost started having a relationship with lost interest in me because he decided I was uninterested in him. And he was really, really sad about it, I read it on his face. But as ridiculous as it surely sounds, I couldn't bring myself to show him I liked him anyway. (And some guys here think that AvPD girls are "getting laid" easier... haha!)

Currently I analyse this phenomenon thus:

I can only know and somewhat believe that the person finds me attractive if they show it to me quite clearly. If I'm the one being pursued. But if I show my interest in them myself they remain passive on the receiving end, then I'm in doubt => anxiety going through the roof!

Even if they're alright with my interest, I'm left in the dark. I don't know if they're alright because they're flattered and it strokes their ego or because they like me back. I need to be shown clearly. But that's not what happens if you show your interest. People may react ok, but merely "ok" is not enough, it's too neutral and it feels similar to outright rejection. So what I need, or rather what AvPD forces me to need, is a constant set of encouraging feedback, which is best achieved when someone else is pursuing you all the time. Personal activity becomes counter-productive behavior and its cost is anxiety.

At it's best and worst, it's just plain old avoidance in romantic context.

OK, enough theory, what to do about this? Wish I knew. I'll post here if I manage to start dating someone.

Oh, I just realized how amusing it all is. OP draws his fears from feminism, while I draw my fears from old patriarchal system. It seems they can be drawn from anywhere!

I have fears such as these on top of the bare-bones analysis:

If I show a man that I like him,
- he'll decide that I'm easy and will despise me;
- he'll decide that I want quick sex and will use me and throw me away;
- he'll decide that I'm desperate to find a man;
- he'll decide that I'm emotionally needy;
- he'll decide that I'm after his money.

In other words, a show of interest can potentially convey something sordid instead of genuine interest, all thanks to patriarchal believes about women.

FragranceOfLilac wrote:I have fears such as these on top of the bare-bones analysis:

If I show a man that I like him,
- he'll decide that I'm easy and will despise me;
- he'll decide that I want quick sex and will use me and throw me away;
- he'll decide that I'm desperate to find a man;
- he'll decide that I'm emotionally needy;
- he'll decide that I'm after his money.

These are the exact same things that use to run through my head. I hate dating. It's so exhausting for an overactive brain like mine. Because I am too busy running these things through my head constantly I end up pushing them away because they think I am not interested at all. Also because of that I have always ended up dating the guys that went for me and were okay with taking things slow. These are men I didn't have to work for. I had to let them make all the first moves like kissing me and telling me they loved me. When it did get to that point I wouldn't answer them when they told me I loved me because then I over thought the commitment of saying it, but then would end up saying it back the next time out of guilt because I didn't want them to think I didn't like them at all and end up leaving me before I would know if I actually loved them. When realizing how complicated my thought process is for everything I feel lucky to be married lol