Getting close - what does this actually mean?

Along with a very long list of other things about this life thing, I don't know what "getting close to someone" actually means.

I would welcome some definition or opinion as to what you think it means. I realize I might not be asking the most suitable group of people about this, but I don't know who else to ask.

I'm going to try to be brief.

It means being vulnerable and accepting the other person is being vulnerable with you, too.

It means that you want to share "secrets" for lack of better term - things you don't share with acquaintances.

It means you value the other person's thoughts and perspectives enough to want to hear them, and you want them to hear yours, also.

It means you trust the other person to be sensitive and discrete when they have heard your tales, and that they can trust you, too.

Vulnerability, sharing, desire, and trust. That about covers it.

-- Thu May 28, 2015 2:52 pm --

Okay, but...

"Desire" is accurate, but it's a loaded term. I mean, you want to be involved with this person, there are elements of admiration and fascination for them, but it's not necessarily a sexual thing.

For me there are different ways of getting close.

One way is about creating a bond. There was a discussion on that topic in the schizoid forum, where I asked that question :

http://www.psychforums.com/schizoid-personality/topic138007.html

People made interesting comments on how they perceived closeness.

An other way is getting close physically.

Or sharing personal things. Personally I tend to share easily very little things in real life, but feel uncomfortable if people don't respect my rythm in getting close. It's about boundaries. I need them to be secure.

Does that have something to do with your questioning?

I would also say putting myself in a position where I am emotionally vulnerable and opening up to someone. Allowing them in. And I think it happens in stages too.

SSDD-247 wrote:I realize I might not be asking the most suitable group of people about this, but I don't know who else to ask.

I think the group you are asking have probably got good answers for you- they know exactly what they don't like/don't want/don't feel safe with.

lilyfairy wrote:opening up to someone.

lilyfairy wrote: Allowing them in.

Can you explain what these things actually mean?

-- Wed Jun 03, 2015 9:01 am --

Philonoe wrote:One way is about creating a bond.

I don't know what this is.

Philonoe wrote:An other way is getting close physically.

I know and can do that but its not the same thing.

Philonoe wrote:Or sharing personal things. Personally I tend to share easily very little things in real life, but feel uncomfortable if people don't respect my rythm in getting close. It's about boundaries. I need them to be secure.

Does that have something to do with your questioning?

I need actual examples of what you mean.

I find things of an abstract nature/concepts difficult to grasp without examples that occur in real life.

In real life - telling someone a secret, or something you expect to be judged for. It can be simple - you like 70's Disco music, for instance.

SSDD-247 wrote:

lilyfairy wrote:opening up to someone.

lilyfairy wrote: Allowing them in.

Can you explain what these things actually mean?

Sharing things with people that are more personal and that I'm perhaps more uncomfortable with- like Inverse said- something you expect to be judged for. Things beyond the everyday front that I put up- the one that blocks people from finding out that I do have mental illness, or that I still live at home with my parents, or that I can't function normally and am on disability. Or where I share information about my family, or my background/past.

SSDD-247 wrote:
I need actual examples of what you mean.

I find things of an abstract nature/concepts difficult to grasp without examples that occur in real life.

I’ll try to give an exemple in my life about the some nuances in closeness.

It’s in a context of simple acquaintance/friendship.

There is that acquaintance who offered me to visit some artistic exhibitions together some weeks ago (we know each other from that context : we were in a course together).

So she sent me an e-mail (1) and we decided to visit 2 places. We visited the first place, and ate something. During lunch we talked mainly about the course and the artwork there. (2) Then we walked to the second one.

I felt relaxed. We watched the exhibition then talked a little in that quiet place.

We talked about the artist and artwork there and she naturally opened about some event in her family, related to what we just saw (3).

Then we left the place and made sure we would meet during some artistic event at the end of the month (4).

So we didn’t know very much each other and

(1) she offered me to see each other in an other context then the course
(2) we talked and shared some experience together
(3) she opened about very personal event in her family
(4) we decided to meet again

so (1) and (4) are about creating a bond, (2) about sharing an experience and (3) about talking about a personal topic.

I really enjoyed that day. At no moment I felt threatened in my boundaries and I liked the conversations.

Maybe, sharing several experiences like that we’ll know each other better?

Having an activity that correspond to your personality is a nice way to meet people. Because by definition we have something in common. And it’s possible to share nice moments around that activity.

Then, depending of character and circumstances, some bonds arise sometimes.

Does it answer a little to your question? I can share other examples. Each one is very different.

lilyfairy wrote:I would also say putting myself in a position where I am emotionally vulnerable and opening up to someone. Allowing them in. And I think it happens in stages too.

What's the purpose of doing that?

Philonoe wrote:
(1) she offered me to see each other in an other context then the course
(2) we talked and shared some experience together
(3) she opened about very personal event in her family
(4) we decided to meet again

so (1) and (4) are about creating a bond, (2) about sharing an experience and (3) about talking about a personal topic.

What is the point of someone doing 3? How did you experience that and what did you think about it (or others like it)?

Philonoe wrote:Maybe, sharing several experiences like that we’ll know each other better?

For what purpose?

SSDD-247 wrote:

lilyfairy wrote:I would also say putting myself in a position where I am emotionally vulnerable and opening up to someone. Allowing them in. And I think it happens in stages too.

What's the purpose of doing that?

It's part of getting to know someone and being able to share things in your life with them. Whether I can actually ever achieve that is another thing.

Also when I say "making myself emotionally vulnerable", I'm not suggesting getting into a dire situation, but more allowing people to see parts of me that no-one else does- not blocking people so much.