Sexual Frustration

Hi,
I apologize in advance if this might sound questionable. I may sound agitated or like a self-pitying idiot, but I'm full of very strong emotions right now. But, I thought I just had to get this off my chest, before it explodes.

I haven't been diagnosed with AvPD yet, but most of the symptoms described of AvPD fit my personality pretty well.
Most of the time I thought I'd be schizoid, because I was never bothered by my solitairy lifestyle, lack of relationships, lack of emotional connection to family and friends, social isolation and generally my reduced affect. I was not interested in socializing. I was never interested in having a girlfriend (no interest, don't really understand the concept of relationships, unable to share intimate feelings, not able to build an emotional connection, incredibly insecure and introverted, BDD), I was never interested in going to a party, making friends or engaging in an activity that involves social interaction. I totally accepted being different and an 'outcast'. I was fine with it, I was happy. Atleast I thought so.
But things have changed a little.

Let me tell you about my anxiety. From my anxiety, that is stronger than what most people experience, emerged a personality that is avoidant, sociophobic, obsessive-compulsive, paranoid and hypochondriac. From these issues I developed a severe panic disorder, that isn't as strong as it used to be though, luckily.
So these factors might have caused the isolation and maybe I suppressed strong feelings like frustration, sadness, anger and loneliness for all these years.
I also think I suffer from bipolar disorder, right now I'm experiencing a phase of severe depression, horrible moodswings and sometimes mixed states ((hypo)mania + depression), that induce very dark intrusive thoughts and grim fantasies. I have felt this way for months now (and several times in my life already, right after feeling the exact opposite, hence the 'self-diagnosis') and it gets worse and worse.

I don't know if you experienced this, but with the depression + that avoidant lifestyle comes a pattern of extreme sexual frustration that has gotten decreasingly more severe with more time passing. I almost can't take it. I developed a hositility towards everyone in my agegroup who is sexually active (atleast I think they are, I'm 19). With that, come feelings of envy, frustration, rage and sadness when I look at males in my age (I'm male). I used to laugh at these arrogant pricks, thinking I was better than them. The group of girls I'm interested right now has changed as a consequence of this 'envy'.
I'm now more interested in younger girls from the age of 11-15. There is one girl I think I actually fell in love with..(she's about 14/15)
The reason for this is clear. They're innocent, not like girls in my age. They're not going out partying (maybe they do, but it's different), having sex, smoking weed, being ambitious and thinking they have successful careers ahead of them and acting like arrogant a**holes because of it.

I know that this is overcompensation for some of the feelings I described above, but I can't do anything about it. I'm full of rage and frustration, and there is absolutely no way for it to go. And please don't tell me to go to the gym, that is not going to happen. If you don't know why, read this text again, thanks.

When will this end? It's tormenting me. My self-esteem is shrinking lower and lower and I have no idea how low it can still go..

Have you made these experiences? I hate this f**king sh**!

If you are attracted to 11 year old girls you have a major problem. Also being 'in love ' with a 14/15 year old girl is just as bad. That isn't the kind of problem we deal with on this board. Anyway - DO NOT ACT ON THOSE FEELINGS. You really need professional help. If you are bipolar it could be put under control with medication. You will need a psychiatrist if that is the case.

Parador wrote:If you are attracted to 11 year old girls you have a major problem. Also being 'in love ' with a 14/15 year old girl is just as bad. That isn't the kind of problem we deal with on this board. Anyway - DO NOT ACT ON THOSE FEELINGS. You really need professional help. If you are bipolar it could be put under control with medication. You will need a psychiatrist if that is the case.

I was on jury duty not too long ago. I didn't get picked for the case, but a young man was charged with child molestation for putting his hand where it didn't belong on a 16 year old girl. He sure looked embarrassed and upset for having his terrible choice on trial in front of all those people. I'm not sure what happened, but if he was charged he will be marked as a sex offender publicly for who knows how long. If he's registered as sex offender, his name and address will be publicly available to everybody. Also, sex offenders tend to have a very hard time in jail.

But worse than all that is the potential to do irreparable emotional damage to a complete innocent. The damage can be permanent. Do whatever you can to avoid acting on these impulses. They are terribly wrong, on every possible level.

So yeah, absolutely what Parador said.

Parador wrote:If you are attracted to 11 year old girls you have a major problem. Also being 'in love ' with a 14/15 year old girl is just as bad. That isn't the kind of problem we deal with on this board. Anyway - DO NOT ACT ON THOSE FEELINGS.

Don't worry, I won't. I never intended to. It wouldn't even be really possible considering the circumstances and my personality. What I was complaining about was the sexual frustration, my hostility against people in my agegroup and the incredibly strong emotions of anger and frustration. They're really consuming me.

Parador wrote:You really need professional help. If you are bipolar it could be put under control with medication. You will need a psychiatrist if that is the case.

I was planning on telling my mother about my suspicions concerning bipolar disorder. Maybe she knows a good psychiatrist. I won't tell her about the things I told you about though, I'll never tell anybody about it except maybe a pdoc. I don't trust other people.

skyflyz, I'm totally aware of how the justice system and society condemns these sorts of things, which is justified ofcouse. I didn't plan on acting out on these feelings, I was just telling you how I feel. I don't ever wanna hurt anyone, that's the last thing I want to do.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with the things I've been telling you. You're the only people I can talk to about this and I'm very afraid of earning a bad name (there it is, my fear of rejection). That's the avoidant personality talking, but whatever..This forum is all I have right now, I'm not doing anything else.

A little update for anybody who cares: The enhanced interest in younger girls, that was a form of overcompensation for strong emotions, is finally gone. The sex drive and sexual frustration is still there.

I have this incredibly strong urge to share intimacy with another person, but the idea doesn't even compute in my head. I feel like I'm emotionally disabled due to my incredible insecurity, AvPD and BDD. I can't even look a person in the eye, let alone have a meaningful conversation. Sharing intimacy, having sex, how would I be able to do it when I fear human contact so much? When I can't even talk about my feelings in my phantasy? When I have an extreme performance anxiety and the fear to disappoint somebody is so strong, that I already get nervous thinking about it...I mean a girl wouldn't just ignore all these issues, a girl would never find my personality so great to just accept these things..I mean, how would she..

Does anybody have similar feelings? Do you have strong urge and desire for intimacy and a high sex drive, but feel like there's nothing you can do about it? It's consuming me..Please sex drive, GO AWAY!

Edit: I might add that I'm still suffering from severe depression. That might have something to do with it..

try a professional?

ck2d wrote:try a professional?

Will call a few on monday to make an appointment. But there will be waiting time, which will probably feel like an eternity..

Don't get your hopes up - most of them are idiots. Hookers cured my sexual frustration. I highly recommend sex workers to guys who are sexually frustrated.

Parador wrote:Don't get your hopes up - most of them are idiots. Hookers cured my sexual frustration. I highly recommend sex workers to guys who are sexually frustrated.

I don't know where the OP lives, but AFAIK prostitution is illegal in the US in most states, with the exception of some counties (or is it one county?) in Nevada.

However, if it's a choice between A) getting busted as a john or B) getting busted for sexual assault/child molestation, I'd take choice A every time.

Parador wrote:Don't get your hopes up - most of them are idiots.

You mean psychiatrists? Well there's no alternative. I just have to find the right one.

skyflyz wrote:

Parador wrote:Don't get your hopes up - most of them are idiots. Hookers cured my sexual frustration. I highly recommend sex workers to guys who are sexually frustrated.

I don't know where the OP lives, but AFAIK prostitution is illegal in the US in most states, with the exception of some counties (or is it one county?) in Nevada.

It's legal in the country I live in. I'm not interested in that kind of sex though. My partner should share the sexual desire that I do and shouldn't be motivated by money. It isn't attractive for me.

skyflyz wrote:However, if it's a choice between A) getting busted as a john or B) getting busted for sexual assault/child molestation, I'd take choice A every time.

As I've already said earlier, I have no plans on molesting or assaulting a younger girl or child, that's totally out of the question. They were just fantasies and they are gone now.

The general question was if other people here with AvPD (or who think they have AvPD) have made a similar frustrating experience. As this disorder can also "function" as a disability when it comes to sexual relationships, the chance might be high that lots of people in this forum either haven't had sex yet or rarely. I might be wrong though, so that's something I wanna find out.

Maybe even stories of how people got over it or how their first experiences were.
That's what I'm interested in.