Coping strategies

Hi,

I'm new, and I'm really glad I found this website. Looking at some of the threads, I really believe I may have an avoidant personality. I don't want to seem self-centered, but I guess maybe I need to give a brief history.

Although I have always been a shy person, I withdrew even further because of the rejection I faced in highschool. So, I pretty much keep to myself. Aside from the few friends I've had since elementary school and my family, I don't really talk to anyone. Throughout highschool, I was labeled a "loner". I thought once I started college maybe shake the label, and I did pretty well in junior college. But, I'm in my first semester at a university now, and here it is again. I really try to reach out to people and I would love to have many friends. I just can't initiate a decent conversation with people. When I try, I don't portray myself well. In fact, I usually end up sounding like a idiot. I also dread class discussions, and I can feel the anxiety rising (my face actually turns beet red) if I think I may be chosen to stand up in front of the class. If the instructor gives group assignment, I find it impossible to be assertive. I just passively agree, and try to avoid conflict.

I spent alot of time trying to blend in and go unnoticed to avoid the anxiety. Whenever I do anxious all I can think about is going home, and sometimes I make excuses so I can. It has come to the point where a few of my instructors have asked to see me in private to tell me they were woried about me. This one in particular mentions it everytime she sees me. "Why are you always alone? and Where are your friends?" Once she even told me that she was a mother, and that is why she was worried about me. When I reassured her that I was okay and asked what she meant; she said nothing.

I am used to dealing with most of the issues mentioned, but I am worried about being labeled a "loner". I think society tends to associate that term with deviant individuals, and I feel a little stigmatized sometimes. Are there strategies I can use to overcome these feelings, and be normal around others? All I want is to be normal, act normal, and feel normal.

Hi guest, thanks for sharing your story. You're not alone, I can relate to your story and your pain. It sounds like you are writing about my high school and University experience!

I think it's great that your Instructors are reaching out to you.

I recommend seeing a therapist. I am sure others could give you more experienced feedback, but for starters you could try reading "10 Simple Solutions to Shyness: How to Overcome Social Anxiety & Fear of Public Speaking" by Martin M. Antony. I checked it out the library the other day and it gives a lot of practical advice on techniques a therapist would use to help people overcome social anxiety. It tackles all of the problems you list, such as talking too quietly, fear of being the centre of attention, inability to make small-talk etc.

I always thought avoidance was a coping strategy. You find people confusing and scary, and you don't like that, so you avoid them to cope. But like a lot of coping strategies, it usually backfires.

How do I cope? Well, I find this helps :

http://www.planet-cutie.co.uk/coping.jpg

Thanks cutie. You are right. I guess what I meant was when someone decides to come out of their shell, what first steps might they take to face their fears? I am tired of people thinking that I'm weird. I just want to be able to be around other people without having the urge to bolt or be anxious.

Thanks Trence. I will definetly read those.